Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Greedy guts, the lot of yas!

Goodness me, the dragons aren't lizards, they're PIGS! Hehehe, they've eaten SO much today. I ordered some more of Nature's Grub Dragonfly Larvae in cans. Gamma radiated and cooked, these dragonfly larvae are juicy, fat and soft - and highly addictive it seems!

Tsam was getting seriously antsy whilst Sandy and baby Hyphen were outside, taking turns nomming the squishy brown bugs from my tweezers, but as Mocha didn't want any, I saved the biggest for him. Total dragon heaven: Sandy, Tsam and Hyphen ate the entire can between them... Yummy!

"Awww. All gone? Here, let me have the last of that gravy out of the bottom of the tin..." Whilst they look icky and smell gross, they're so tasty that Sandy stuck her head in the tin to lap up the "gravy", even though she had a drink in the bath last night!

I'm tempted to get some of the "Reptile Mix" next, as it's like a variety can with a combination of crickets, bamboo worms and grasshoppers.

Chi had come round this evening to keep an eye on His Lordship whilst I got lack-of-teeth friendly foods, so I did a biiig pot of butternut soup for us all when I got back. I had a little bit of butternut left over, so I did the dragons their own soup without any garlic or onion ingredients; making up for the flavour by adding dried herbs and carrot instead.

And boy, was it TASTY too - all of the dragons, including Miss Mocha, supped heartily of the creamy yellow, warm soup. Mocha's still very scared when I fish her out to feed her, but she's getting the hang of it and now looks forwards to the waxworm or waxmoth reward at the end.

Hyphen was easy to feed (always is really...) as he finds the "soup bug" utterly irresistible - I tuck the syringe into the palm of my hand so just the nozzle pokes out of the back of my fist - Hyph attacks it, bites the nozzle hard, and I depress the plunger with my thumb.

He ate so much, both he and I were genuinely worried he might pop...

Monday, 19 September 2011

Taking some teeth.

Brought HL breakfast in bed, nutella toast and tea. Poor chap is going to have surgery later to remove some teeth, so he had to eat early. He's not looking forwards to it, but it will be better than putting up with all those damaged/ing wisdom teeth.

We spotted this graffiti on the way through the underground walk to the hospital. I have to say, it's kind of fortunate I did make sure he had a good breakfast, as we were kept waiting for four hours.

But once he came back out, though still VERY woozy from the anaesthetics, he said he didn't care about the wait - that was DEFINITELY the way to have teeth removed. First class service. In fact, so good that, once he'd checked his fingers were still there with hand gestures very similar to Johnny Depp in Loathing, he even said we ought to leave them a tip. And that the anaesthetics definitely weren't a truth drug. "See - I AM the king of Dubai!" He also said that it was a shame they didn't give him a robot jaw. That would have been cool.

Guys, he'll be online later (he thinks!) but he can't at the moment - he's got really, really bad internal lag. His processor just won't handle the ... uh... something. But the toffee yogurt is really good!

Quote of the day: "Hello world! Goodbye teeth..." Freshly woken up. Quickly followed by: "Uhm. My tongue... my tongue it just won't. Won't do. Oooh. My brain is like treacle."

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Persisting it down.

We're all having a quiet morning. The dragons are VERY grateful for their warm, dry tanks, as it's been raining bucketfuls for the last seven hours. Mocha is convinced it will flood and refuses to come down from her table.

Never mind, Sandy is snuggled up in bed with us, where it is going to be a wonderful Sunday - no chores (or at least, they're not getting done!), The Big Bang Theory on TV, followed by the Three Musketeers (never seen it) and then double Simpsons. Oh, and I've prepared warmed chocolate brownies to be served with Thorntons toffee Icecream for breakfast, chicken satay rice with chicken sweet and sour balls for lunch, and then chow mein with exotic mushrooms for tea. How wonderful!

Update: It is oddly quiet now there isn't the thunderous tumult of rain pounding on the roof.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Miss Mocha & &.

We finally settled on a full name for Miss Mocha. Her "kennel name" is Miss Mocha-Choca-Marion Asterisk von Munch. Ampersand has formally adopted her as her little sister, to teach her how things work here. I'm glad she's taking care of confused Miss Munch, because things are still very scary for her.

Our Sandy has a lot of sympathy for her, coming from a similar background and having to find her way in a whole new household - it's a daunting experience for any little lizard. She's even gentle with bouncy, boisterous, clueless little Hyphen - Kyle would have clouted him one by now!

Mind you, Sandy doesn't make things easy for Tsam. She doesn't play to the rules he's used to, and now he's all confused. Kyle was easy to bob at and show off to, but Sandy looks at him funny and raises an eyebrow instead of bowing and waving.

This does something very strange to his brain and now he gets baffled when he sees her - a bit like your average Joe Bloggs meeting Natalie Portman.

For example, yesterday he got so het up that he ran round the side of the tank to bob at her... and was thrown when all he found was the wooden wall of the tank there. (It's always been there.)

But today, he really fried his grey matter. He was antsying to come out and stretch his legs, so I put his slope out for him. As he bounced out, he caught sight of Sandy, looking all citrussy alluring in her tank. He bobbed furiously, got so worked up that he did a frantic little dance and then SHOT along his slope. Only to come to a very muddled halt.

Instead of charging DOWN the slope to show off to her, he accidentally ran UP the slope -back into his own tank.

It has made his brain hurt, so he's gone back to bed to think about it.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Grr! Ooh, nice. AUGH! Oooooh pretty...

Oh for goodness sake! We walked an hour in to town to see Fright Night (with David Tennant, lovely!) - only to find it has been pulled so they can have six empty screens showing Jane fricking Eyre.

I suppose it could be worse, could be that silly horse faced woman in that yawny "look how hard my life is" crap. Oh... wait, that's also playing on multiple screens. I heard another disappointed would-have-been watcher comment that SJP "looks like she's trying so hard to act. All she is is clothes and makeup and not much else."

We gave up on that idea and headed home, stopping off at Shirabell's petstore on the way past - where we found this funky new table for Mocha. We also managed to find the perfect water bowl for Tsammy there too - it's identical to the one he's got, but twice the size.

I'm sure we'll give him an inferiority complex, because every time I upgrade something, he wakes up and thinks he's shrunk! Though he was very pleased when he found he could fit himself IN this bowl, rather than going in circles with his head underwater and his back legs and tail outside.

AUGH! Getting home wasn't much better. FB so crap that I actually lost my temper after my SEVENTH repost mysteriously vanished like its brothers. Oh, and then FB wouldn't let me post a status until I had accepted not one, not two, but three new pieces of s....ugar that I'm never going to use anyway. Ye gods and little fishes.

Whilst I'm Book-Ranting, the app fails to send me notifications. And fails to connect to FB when on the rare occasions it actually DOES remember that I might like notifying.

Long live GooglePlus, where there's no game nonsense posted all over my stream, where the pages actually work, where I can choose who reads what and what I read from whom, where the Google notifications work perfectly. Consistently. Immediately. And link through to a) Google and b) the relevant post. None of which FB does.

But on a bright note, Doctor Who was good this evening.

Ooh, speaking of which, I found a truly shocking rendition of the Doctor Who themetune. I mean it literally - it's a really good version with a lot of power. Sparks will fly!

Produced by ArcAttack's stage show team using two Dual-Resonant Solid State Tesla Coils as seperate synchronised instruments. The Tesla wave (continuous lightning bolt) it belts out creates a crisply distorted square wave sound - truly unnatural! DRSSTCs can be used for all kinds of fun, my favourite is a home-made rendition of the Super Mario Brothers theme tune.

Gone to the Goosefest!

We attended the Goosefest!

One of His Lordship's EvE friends decided as it was his girlfriend's birthday and she'd just come back from abroad, he'd throw a huge party to celebrate - and invite as many people as he could think of to come stand in a field for the evening.

In the middle of nowhere.

Thankfully, another of HL's random EvE friends was going, and loves any excuse for a good hammer down some motorways, so was more than happy to drive all the way here to take us there (bless him)! Better yet, Mauler's parents kindly let us stay the night in one of their spare bedrooms as they're just down the road from Goose's farm, saving us having to sleep in a tent, in a field, in the rain.

They're lovely people and have, quite frankly, a gorgeous house. His mum recently re-did all the kitchen, picking seaside colours and matching the warm orange from a tropical clam shell. The "island" worksurface was seriously cool, with a kettle tap (ayuh, a tap that runs through a kettle mechanism) and a pop up chrome cylinder containing extra plug sockets. And a glass fronted wine fridge. And hidden cupboards. And underfloor lighting.

Anyway, I digress. The party was a lot of fun - a wide range of people came from all over to Goose's farm, even though it was pounding down with rain. He'd had the brilliant idea of telling everyone to bring their own stuff in return for setting up a marquee to keep the barbeque, us and the food dry, as well as a MASSIVE yurt - complete with a projector and eight foot cinema screen!

As it got dark, we managed to run some lights into the marquee (the Yurt was already rigged) but we couldn't get them out to the barbeque in the rain - so Goose's Girl came up with a wonderful idea, and lent His Lordship a headlight. The moon was shining so bright, it cast shadows - once the rain finally cleared.

Without being too bragworthy, we brought the most delicious stuffed mushrooms in foil; wedged full of onions, garlic, mozzarella, cheddar and Lurpak salted butter. Oh, and some tasty pork with caramelised red onion sausages and a few boxes of Koppaburg - but everyone overdid it - Mauler bought chinese pork ribs, huge boxes of chicken drumsticks and Crabbies ginger beer (which is delicious by the way, I hadn't tried it and now I know what I was missing out on!), whilst someone else brought a box of 100 Lincolnshire sausages. People brought burgers, buns, crisps, Goose's Girl made massive, tasty bowls of potato salad and coleslaw, mixing bowls full of the stuff.

The cinema screen was a marvellous idea, because when the kids weren't learning how to drive the Landrover round the field (private land, it's what farmer's kids do here.) they were tucked away watching Toy Story 1, 2 &3, followed by the same of Ice Age. We grownups watched Shaun of the Dead later on, being somewhat a favourite amongst the Zombie Slaying Gamers. So much so that the game "Killing Floor" has a Shaun of the Dead map, complete with the Winchester pub!

Friday, 9 September 2011

Little Miss? More like Little Madam!

Pose of the day win!

I found this big old stick in my "beardie spares" cupboard! It stands in a very stable fashion, ideal for young dragons to scamper up and down and, best of all, it was free! It was a leftover item amongst many that came with the TripleTank I bought some time back (and is still waiting for us to move house before setting up. It's big.) There are some other branches, but I don't know how this new tank will progress yet.

I also discovered that her bad temper isn't down to the fact that it's new and scary here, it's actually due to the complete lack of training - she's utterly antisocial and has been "husking" at me all morning. This is a low down, drawn out, hunkered beardie hiss that goes "huuuuuuscccckkkk", serving as a threat. We've also had some magnificent beards and plate walking too.

Beardie face of DOOM! "HUUUUUSK!"

But no fear - I am confident I can train her out of these bad habits. She is too used to getting her own way and people backing off when she tells them to. Thankfully she's not inclined to bite (or hasn't thought of it yet.)

Her happy colour is a deep, textured brown, a little paler than coffee cake and her "warm colour" reminds me of rain sprinkled ashes, or coal dust in wet sand - very similar in colour to Tsam, if a little more chocolatey.

Oh, and I forgot to say; the RSPCA people hadn't realised I'd had TWO collection jars. They later found the second one in the stickers/posters crate - bringing the total raised to over £450 that day! For the WIN!

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Meeting Mocha

Little dragon is very worried about the bath - it's big and wet and noisy - but he's looking much better after good scrub with my special formula dragon soap. The toothbrush (for scrubbing) was also quite scary, but very efficient at lifting off some more of that horrible gunk from between the scales and toes.

He smells much better now too; even after yesterday's bath in the drinking water marathon, he was still leaving muddy trails in the water as the months of dirt and mess rinsed off - I'm amazed, there's really rather pretty patterns under there, having turned up looking a funny yellow grey colour, there's all these lovely angular patterns and the stripes up his legs were a surprise!

We also clipped his nails, discovered he is a she and gave her a nice big dinner of superworms and endives. We were intending on calling him Alphonse, but not really suitable for a girl - but Mum saved the day with "Mocha".

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Lizard 'lert!

Ooh heck, there might be a lizard turning up - just got a text asking if I could take him on! I haven't a clue of anything about it other than they think it's male, he's a beardie, supposedly "citrus phase", but that's all I know... Oh, and pparently his name is Mr Munch, or Munchee. Might need to give him a first name.

Update: Arranged to collect, 30 mins to lizard o'clock... looks a bit bare, bit we will work on that later.

Later update: I'm not taking pictures this evening, because poor thing was filthy, scared and tired - it's about 9pm. I have to say though, the little guy is surprisingly cute, with a stumpy tail and dinged fingers. Desperately needs a good bath, but that can wait for tomorrow. It's all very scary right now.

Hah, scrap that, he just discovered the water bowl - I don't think he's ever seen water before - and he's spent a whole HOUR taking big drinks and giving himself a good scrub. I had to change the water twice because it was so filthy, it was the colour of strong tea each time I emptied it... still smells funny and is a bit mucky, but can have real bath tomorrow.

Apparently his old owner was told that his stumpy tail and dinged fingers was due to "temperature fluctuations" in the incubator. Uhhh, no. Poor little sod has been attacked by bigger lizard.

No worries, the big lizard here won't bite.

Friday, 2 September 2011

Reptile Rescuers for the RSPCA!

As it is one of my rare days off, I decided to go in to town to raise money for RSPCA. I took Sandy with me, as she is both an RSPCA rescue herself, and VERY tolerant indeed - probably good job, because she had enough fussings and pattings to last her the next two years! Mind, it was all worth it, we drew big crowds, gave out simply PAGES of stickers and had to get new collecting tub because the first one got too heavy and the string was digging into my arm.

Final total for us street collectors came in at £413.50! Woohoo!

Went in afternoon and got my Kyle tattoo done, like I promised her. Only the middle stung like a b*tch. Was really really good! Progress! Didn't even swear.

I wanted a simple lizard shape, no accuracy required, because it's the colour that's important. Is not pretty, perfect or tidy - but neither am I and neither was Kyle, so that's exactly what I wanted.

I still have to get the other three done: Tsam in charcoal grey/brown, Sandy as citrus orange and Hyphen in rusty red - but there's no rush. This one was the important one; well, Kyle left a mark on my heart, my mind and my soul (and occasionally the carpet, haha), so it seemed only reasonable to finish the collection!

Mind you, chest runs risk of looking like Escher painting once added all lizards...

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Relocation, Relocation...

As Kyle now has a pretty pine box with a brass sign and her stack of gold and jewels on top, I rebuilt her tank so Sandy could move in as Ky would have wanted. It didn't seem right to have a dark, empty tank at the bottom of a vibrant stack of lizards.

In this pic, Sandy has just found the "secret room" at the left, with the roots from her old tank and fake ficus leaves. Kyle used to have her grapevine there and was her favourite spot for some peace and quiet, as the partition made it feel like a separate tank, whilst keeping it a little cooler than the main. The partition is also helping distribution of weight from the two tanks above.

Sandy spent the morning sat on Kyle's swing (having always admired it and shared it with her before), before having a poke round in the corkbark hut behind Ky's favourite old log. Hyph's got her pingpong ball as she requested, and Tsam has her big blue diamond.

Tsam spent day being very sad when he realised Kyle no longer lives in the tank under him. But not sad enough to put him off his dinner. Hehe, bless. He's got used to the idea now, and was delighted to introduce himself properly to his new neighbour. BOB BOB BOB LOOK AT ME SQUAREHEAD! Sandy rolled her eyes and waved at him.

Went out for dinner to F&Bs as we couldn't get to Cafe Rouge in Bath today (Kyle's favourite restaurant, they used to give her free salad!), and then went to watch Inbetweeners Movie. Very good, cringe inducing. Most amusing bit: the little old lady sat in the next row with a face like an amused bulldog. Apparently it was her cup of tea!

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Kyle: Superdragon!

Kuleana Graeme Squishee, my marvellous, grumpy lizard turned out to be a genuine superdragon.

As most of you know, she was struck down mysteriously ill a couple of weeks ago, and I've been fighting to keep her going in an effort to identify the cause and cure her.

Sadly, she passed away today, but her blood test results finally came back and the vet was astounded: A normal uric acid count for lizards: 300, lethal: 3000. Kyle had been running for at least a week at SIX THOUSAND.

They think she had an undiagnosed congenital kidney defect all her life, and the vet was particularly astounded as she managed to keep fighting for another 20 days - even after her kidneys had completely failed.

It does explain a lot about her though; from her funny barrel shape, her grumpy days, the perpetual pickiness with food, to her unique, familiar Kyle smell; sweet, warm and acid like lemon drops and mangrove wood. I now understand that this was caused by ketones, an indicator of possible kidney disease or diabetes, among other things.

Either way, it was a relief to know I couldn't have done more even if I had known, and it was nice to know that I had done all the right things for her throughout her life! In fact, I'm glad I didn't know, as it meant I wasn't permanently worrying and waiting for the worst.

I'd like to thank everyone for their support and kind words, especially my family, and the people I have never even met before (thanks to the internet) who gave sage advice such as:
"Treat tomorrow like a gift to come - it's exciting and you have no idea what's going to be in it. That's why they call today 'The present'." and "Tough times never last, but tough people do."

I have a lot of people to be grateful to, not least Kyle herself. Though I'm amused that she taught Tsam how to do the "Flying Pancake" technique... A remarkable skill, where she could instantly flatten out and skid along the carpet whilst "running" at full speed, enabling her to vanish under the bed. Bloody frustrating lizards!

Clearly she was smart, but the x-rays don't show that she had a brain... Hehehehe!

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Ralph and the Malfunctioning Jazz Dog

Can anyone answer this: Why do your eyes water when you pray to the porcelain goddess?

Been doing it since 3am and finally stopped barfing at 12pm. Managed to hold down some chicken soup (just) and slept for the next three hours. Woke to icecream and a skull two sizes too small. Haven't worked out what set it off; honestly, it could be anything - probably stress, but could also be that maybe McCoys changed their Sizzling King Prawn crisp recipe to contain actual shellfish extract. Who knows! I managed to eat spaghetti for tea and kept it down.

It's been an entertaining week, with Kyle so ill and having had a genuine, full on and uncontrollable panic attack on the 23rd. Very embarrassing. Wouldn't recommend it. Mind, I suppose they wouldn't call it a "panic attack" if it was nice. Perhaps "warm fluffy bundle of cute little kittens and a plate of chocolate brownies" wasn't a great name for it. Sounds like a good cure though.

Talking of good cures, laughter is supposed to be the best one - and my kind friends around the internet rallied to find His Lordship and I some good things, including our favourite video clip this week: The Dog Malfunction:

I also recommend reading Ben Driscoll's "Daisy Owl" cartoons, found HERE. There's something sweet and surreal about them. Keep an eye out for Benjamin and Steve's jacuzzi - it nearly killed me laughing! (Though not quite as funny as Michael Macintyre's Dead Arm sketch.)

Related Quote of the Day: "A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and £22,398,750.78 in cash.".
The granddaughter, about to become filthy rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..." - Best joke sent in by internet friend Matt.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Hats off to the reptiles - they're COOL!

Firstly, apologies for not doing Kyle updates, but I'm actually backdating these posts, as at the time I was WAY too stressed to do proper updates.

Some people dress dogs up,but I like to make/buy hats for lizards. Apparently it's more common with beardie owners than you'd think. For example, my friend Danny has both a pirate hat and a Santa hat for his beardie Chucky. We do have a Santa hat here for Christmas time!

I finished making Sandy's Halloween costume, with a raggy purple and black cape and this rather fetching, diamond studded witches hat coated in black spangly glitter. She was only too happy to let us snap a few photographs!

I think Hyph might need a pith helmet and an "adventurer" theme - any ideas? And no, I'm not taking the pith...

Tsam of course has his 1960's vintage German Commander's cap, but I'm not sure what else to add to this "costume". It does amuse me greatly to think of some nerdy specialist Action Man collector somewhere out there, throwing a complete fit when he sees Tsam wearing his precious cap.

I do have plenty of camouflage material handy, including some super military issue weatherproof ripstop fabric, so I think I might have to do him some sort of cloak or jacket to go with his hat. The ripstop actually came in really handy for keeping the rain out of the dragon basket recently.

Quote of the Day: "Sandy looks so mean and yet so darn cute." - Barry, Google+ randomer

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Visual Electro Dubstep

I liked Dubstep before it got cool, and I always enjoy seeing the new roads it takes on its evolutionary journey (discounting of course the trash that's in the charts). I was amused to discover DubstepLyrics this evening. DSL dedicate themselves to the visual realisations of sound. Now you can sing along to your favourite hardbeat dubstep.

Warning: not suitable for people with epilepsy.

Related Quote of the Day: "This beat is so sick it made me teabag a bear trap :)" Benny Benassi, commenting on dubstep track "Cinema" (the Skrillex remix) http://dubstepreactions.tumblr.com/

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Pretty Pink Patterns!

I love keeping up to date with the new discoveries in the animal world - it's amazing to think that tomorrow there will be dozens more previously unknown insects and a few new animals discovered. Every day means new findings and new delights.

Recently, they discovered another marvellously pink coloured animal in Madagascar - meet the Liophidium pattoni.

Apparently, the snake's fluorescent colouring is to mimic nasty-tasting millipedes in the leaflitter, and they don't yet appear to be toxic or aggressive.

They've also made a colourful RE-discovery a few weeks ago. Apparently, this is one of the world's most elusive amphibians, the Bornean Rainbow Toad (Ansonia latidisca). It lives in trees, and was last seen 87 years ago before making a sudden reappearance in Malaysia. You can find more info: Here

Related Quote of the Day: "You probably don't want to put this in your mouth." - Amphibian Expert Robin Moore, on an interview about the Bornean Rainbow Toad

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Lethargic Lizard...

I came home on Thursday after jury service and discovered Kyle had collapsed. The pic is how I found her, with heavily sunken eyes, and all her temples (top of head) concaved.

Thankfully I have a good vet's phone number and a great team of friends over at BD.org who were very happy to help. We were able to diagnose her with extreme dehydration, probably brought on by not eating her greens and eating WAY too much calcium. Too much protein from just eating bugs had drawn out more water from her system, forcing her to eject it all - inadvertently losing more liquids.

I immediately bathed her and she drank deeply from the tub whilst I called the vet. The vet wouldn't be in on the Friday, but she was able to call in ahead to the Taunton branch so that I'd be able to collect some Critical Care formula and hydrating salts. I'm just glad Kyle chose a week when I was actually IN Taunton - my lift was kind enough to run me to the vets to collect in the morning.

His Lordship bathed her whilst I was at jury service, and we finished SUPER early, so I was able to dash home and start treating her properly.

Tsammy recently received his new German Commander's cap in the post from a friend, so he took charge and made sure we followed the rota. (It's a 1960's vintage Action Man German hat, but it fits like it was made for him!)

After a couple of scary days, Kyle seems to be pulling through - the large quantities of fluids and care formula are doing their job; her eyes are back to normal (though her eyebrows are still a bit flat) and the sharp edges of her skull have softened, the water storing fats in her temples haven't filled out yet, but we're getting there.

Understandably, it's left her very wobbly and she's lost a LOT of weight and muscle tone quite suddenly, but I believe she's a very tough little dragon and should recover well given time.

Related Quote of the Day: Walls for the wind, a roof for the rain and tea beside the fire. Laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all that your beardie might desire. - Ado, beardeddragons.org

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Pause for the Prodrome

I have been researching into the vasovagal response - the symptoms I had were known as a "prodrome", sort of like an early warning system. It's caused by adrenaline from the stress in my case; the adrenaline makes all my blood vessels dilate, the blood pressure to suddenly drop and all your blood to pool in your legs. And when you consider how long my legs are, I'm impressed I didn't actually pass out. Apparently I'm tougher stuff than a wussy little scare!

But it does explain why the blood slowed dramatically when I went half deaf and fizzy visioned - there wasn't enough blood in the top half of my body.

However, looking up treatment methods had my laughing my ass off - this line in particular: "The cornerstone of treatment is avoidance of triggers known to cause syncope in that person." Uh, well, DUHHH. Not the most helpful bit of advice I ever heard. (And I'm guessing these tablets won't help much.)

With a bit more digging around I now know that lying down and putting my legs up will help reduce this particular side effect of my phobia. Rumour has it that licorice root helps too. Although useful to know, the response is... well, purely a response to emotional stress and not the underlying problem.

I'm not sure how to progress from here, except to get more blood tests I guess, like immersion therapy or something. Oddly, the internet isn't offering many useful suggestions. Any ideas?

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Munchies with Melf

A week's worth of patience has been rewarded, as His Lordship's Danish friend "Melf" decided he'd drop by whilst on holiday in the UK.

He was supposed to be holidaying with his family in Sweden (a stone's throw from his hometown of Copenhagen), but that didn't feel enough like a "real" holiday, so they took a ferry here instead, to enjoy the sunny beaches of Bournemouth. Amazingly, the weather stayed good until today, so they came to visit us - and we took them out for dinner.

They were delighted by the idea of Ostrich Steak at Garth's, and as it's awesome, they braved it. We had red wine and mushroom sauce, whilst Melf and his wife went for the pink peppercorn and brandy - good for dippin' a chippin it seems. "Numnuhummmmnum" seems to be the Danish for "Nomomanom".

Nicolaj (the younger of their little boys that came with us) says his burger was great. His parents were pleased and offered him a burger the next day, but he says it wasn't as good as the one at Mulberrys! High praise if ever I saw it.

Hehehehehe - I just unwrapped Hyphen! I was trying to put him in his waterbowl for a soak when I realised he'd gone into Jumpsuit mode, so I carefully unzipped a strip down his belly and the rest peeled off beautifully. I got the
whole back and sides skin.

Hyphen was all "Aaaaaahhhhhhhh."

Friday, 5 August 2011

Help! Block bigger than the Lego Wall of China

Hope you've got your imagination hat on - I'm really stuck. I don't know how I wrote myself into a corner, but the story was literally writing itself. I wasn't telling them what to do, I was just writing it down as it happened...

I need to get a female main character into a massive rock band's hotel room. She's currently posing as merchandise specialist, but the doorman's asked for her pass. (I know, I don't know how that happened.) She's already dodged the worse of the suspicion by pointing out her "assistant" is useless.

The other bit is much the same problem - I'm supposed to be getting a band to do a charity gig at a massive stadium - but I need to get past the security team at the concert hall. They're supposed to be unbribable, and intelligent, though they're actually monkeys. Sort of.

If anyone has any ideas, let me know - I've really boxed myself in. Whoops!

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Park 'N' Ride

Got lift to the Park and Ride! A couple of the other Jurors are from here, so the lass from Portsmouth and I have been able to hitch a lift, saving £16 a day. I have to say the Park and Ride is a really sensible system - the buses are great, and they even have leather seats!

And so another day of waiting is in progress. Thankfully I'm built with a near perfect ability to tolerate immeasurable lengths of time doing diddly squat. (Having a book, a laptop and my lovely little HTC's ability to be a portable internet hotspot is handy.) I have to thank my mother for "training" me, with considerable lengths of time being spent tolerating clicking of ballpoints and other such irritants. Hehehe.

If you're not as tough at waiting around for hours, here's a little entertainment for you whilst your brain and computer slowly melts: http://www.sketchswap.com/. Hours of procrastinationability.

This lunchtime, I managed to find the perfect bowl for Tsammy - it's identical to the one he's got, but twice the size. I'm sure we'll give him an inferiority complex, because every time I upgrade something, he wakes up and thinks he's shrunk! He was pleased that he could fit himself entirely IN this bowl, rather than going in circles with his head underwater and his back legs outside.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Travelling to Taunton

It occurs to me that Taunton is bloody difficult to get to from here by public transport. Buses won't get there on time, the motorway is too fast and dangerous for my little bike, trains mean I have to leave the house at 7 to get there by 10 - but the best one; getting there by taxi, all of 27 miles, would cost £46. Each way.

So, as you can probably predict, I wound up getting the train. Apparently the later train allows a change at Castle Cary, lopping nearly 45 minutes off the journey, but not at any times I could use.

This is all because I've been chosen for Jury Duty. For those that have been fortunate enough not to discover what this means, you're randomly selected from the Electoral Register. (My name's still misspelt on it, after three years of complaints, emails, calls and letters.)

It's a governmental calling, so you can't get out of it unless you a) know any of the involved in the case you're assigned, b) have a sufficient medical reasonm or c) will be on an already paid for holiday.

This is a bad thing - for example, one of the girls forgot to move her Registry when she moved to Portsmouth. So she's having to stay at a friends house here so she doesn't get fined. Oh yeah - that's right, not only is it mandatory, but if you fail to turn up, they can and will stick you with a £1000 fine. Some cases can go on 200+ days too, but most normally consist of a bunch of short cases for a two week period.

My first day wasn't very entertaining. Nothing happened, and we sat around in the waiting room. They did let us out a little early though, so I took the opportunity to explore Taunton's magnificent Lush store. Yomnom bath bomb! Vanilla-y. The moisturiser I grabbed leaves you smelling like New York cheesecake, and the Toffee Apple bomb smells heavenly.

Proper lush!

Friday, 29 July 2011

Trying More Tasty Things...

First up, the lemon mousse, milk chocolate shell with white stripes.
His Lordship is pleased because: "I like lemon mousses." - which is a good start.
Initially, it has a very lemony citrussy scent which smells fresh; clean even. It's got a creme fraiche centre - the chocolate a little oversweet at first - but actually well counterbalanced by the sweet lemon zesty centre. Yes, indeed - it's zingy and brash, with a sweet almost gingery light warmth at the end, possibly in the chocolate shell - quite complimentary.

In summary, it's "A good nomming chocolate - one I'd happily pop whole into my mouth and just..." hand gesture of nom. Personally, I love the texture - this one is a nice surprise after the array of the scentless, oddly flavoured items we've had previously.

But the pistachio and raspberry marzipan (which has a white shell, green stripes) baffles me. It smells almost minty through the shell, which is different for a start. "Yeah, definitely minty, I'll grant you that." It puts me in mind of an East Asian sweet, visually and contents-wise. Licking gives "white chocolate and that's all I get out of it". It has green and pink marzipan inside, which is a little too strong - the pistachio note is a little lost against the powerful almondyness. (Yes, that's now a word) But the raspberry manages to hold its own as a sweeter note. HL isn't a fan, but concedes that the flavour is pretty good for marzipan. Likewise, it's not a top winner for me (as He says, not one I'd choose to buy) but not too bad - definitely recommended for marzifans.

Think marzipan might be too strong a medium for the lighter pistachio and raspberry flavours - perhaps a fondant instead? I'll have to think about that one.

The Lime and Chili is my favourite to look at - I LOVE the decoration on this one. Hopefully it shows well in the photo, as they've used a transfer method to put thin, grassy patterns of green, white, chocolate and metallic bronze on the top - a great visual impact. It smells of dark chocolate and something bittersweet, possibly the lime oil. The chocolate is indeed dark and gingery, which is interesting. The centre is a very thick ganache, the lime and chili coming in late, and the chili with a good firm KICK when it does finally arrive. The lime is delicate and finally! NOT washing up liquidy!

At long last, someone who knows how to treat lime oil usage in chocolate-working. His Lordship just found the chilli and exclaims: "Dangerous!" I don't think he was expecting it. "Not personally how I enjoy my chocolates, but I can see the appeal.". It's strong enough to lightly warm your tongue and tell you it's there, which is a nice treat out of a chili chocolate - I find only Montezuma's pack a proper dose. It's public-friendly. A great one to quickly chew and then allowing to dissolve, as it leaves a pleasantly toasty sensation on the tongue - it reminds me a lot of proper xocolatl. (Dark chocolate, chili, a drop of honey and vanilla. Dark and dangerous, very good if you get the chance - one of my favourite culinary treats and very hard to find someone that makes it properly.)

Ten minutes later and I am still aware of a light chili warmth. Lovely.

The Apricot Praline comes wrapped in a metallic orange foil. It has a hexagonal top leading to a round cup, and has an oak leaf design on the top. Oh. It smells bland, perhaps a note of dark chocolate, but the shell isn't thick like they usually are - it's fine and pops, releasing a liquid, buttery praline, which is salty and slightly gritty with a nice delicate burnt hazelnut tone. There wasn't enough apricot jam for my liking, but it was a fine treat when we finally found find it.

Conclusion: this week's treats weren't too shabby. I'd totally have the chilli again, and the lemon was fantastic.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Needle News

I did good at my blood test!

I was assigned a very good phlebotomist, Amy, who kindly offered me a "butterfly needle". She was very good and, even as I watched her place it I couldn't actually feel it - impressive!

Admittedly, I'm slightly embarrassed to explain that the butterfly needle is one they use for children, being considerably smaller and finer - but in comparison with the "adults" version... well, it makes the adults one look like they're trying to ram a pencil in your arm. (And I'm glad she waited to show me that one until AFTER the procedure.)

Also, it turns out I have a minor and delayed vasovagal response to needles, as it only kicked in when we reached the third vial. It's quite common with venipuncture (taking blood from a vein) and I noticed that the bloodflow into the vial slowed down considerably on this last one. I didn't pass out, but my vision went fuzzy and my throat felt like it was closing up, which is pretty normal for me - but then I went half deaf, which was new.

His Lordship thinks I did very well and handled it, though I need to focus a bit more, as "you're up here." But he was there when I had my tattoo done, so clearly it's an improvement.

Oh, and it all came back normal. So we had a naff picnic in town.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

The Axis of AWESOME!

Apologies for delays again, I'm a bit busy with jury service, writing six different articles (one to spec) and trying to win a trophy for two of my favourite games. I have been trying some new chocolates for bloggage, and the lizards have been getting into all sorts of trouble as per! His Lordship's brand new laptop bit the dust when his flash new solid state hard drive chucked it in too.

However, my favourite parody band are back with this year's remake of the Four Chords Song - and a new album! It's hitting stores on the 3rd, so keep an eye out for it.


Sunday, 24 July 2011

Facing up to Fears...

Normally, I can take ANYTHING. Big white girl like me? Sure. Bring it. Unless it's a baby lizard. Then I'll probably curl up in a ball with it going "ooooooh, cuuuuuuuute." So yeah, I'm a tough cookie, and very little fazes me.

But unfortunately, I have a bit of a problem with needles.

Let me get one thing clear: I don't scream. I don't run away or puke. I don't faint (actually, that would probably be easier - then you wouldn't know about it). I get very anxious, then ... I suppose the word would be "fraught". It's hard work, embarrassing and frustrating for all involved, especially me. I did manage to get a tattoo done, but that's different to having an IV line inserted.

I have discovered that all the advice out on the internet for dealing with Needle Phobias is a bit crap. There's nothing rational about being scared of needles - that's why it's called a phobia. The fact remains that you just have to suck it up, breathe slowly and try to get on with it - but of course, that doesn't help. So this will be a journal of how I'm trying to face up to the debilitating fear of cannulas and hypodermics. This is a journal of a world-class chicken making a leap of faith.

Bring it on - I'm actually starting to look forward to Wednesday. (I'm having a blood test done as a start and might even brave enough to give blood in a couple of weeks. Perhaps. Maybe. I'll think about it.)

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Busy week for dragons!

Sandy has discovered a particular preference for endives, and she discovered lots of beetroot is very tasty - and makes purple poop which scares your owner until they work out what's happened. She also discovered that being on a leash is kinda fun, and the garden is like the BIGGEST salad bowl ever, with added woodlice. AND she figured out how to use the dragon slope today from first principles.

Kyle is FINALLY getting over the invasion of the new dragon, and let Sandy share the heat lamp in her tank. She did give Hyphen a gentle clip round the ear for being too cocky though.

Tsammy can't get over the fact that there are now LOTS of dragons, and he's thoroughly confused as to whether he's supposed to be boss or not, so he now alternates between bobbing and waving. Or pulling a face: Forever Alone.

Hyphen thought the leash was downright terrifying and ended up halfway up the house wall before I realised - today the little dragon climbed all the way up the fence post. I'm sure Hyph's father was a gecko and not a leatherback...

I also ordered a SuperRain system for the gecko. Can't wait!

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Fabulous Friends...

I completely forgot my friend's birthday. His somewhat belated present should be with him now (thank goodness for American Amazon!). I had this one in mind for ages, as sometimes his assistant doesn't see his messages. Thankfully he didn't mind my present being a bit late and thought it was hilarious. 80 11.9 x 11.9 inches of sticky yellow Post-it goodness. Click here for your own!

I had sent this picture to my friend a couple of days back, and was baffled when I received this response: "I don't get it but I'm still laughing."
Well, Xzibit, puts TVs on your TVs, so you can watch it whilst you watch it.

Apparently she got THAT bit: "I know how they go I just don't get the lego one D:"

My eyebrows hit the ceiling and I held back a laugh whilst I gently explained - if you put Lego on your Lego... Well. You end up with just Lego really. It's what you're supposed to do with Lego.

"Oh.. oh yeah. LOL!"

I nearly cried laughing so hard. HURDURRRR. In the immortal words of my card game at the time: Two Four Kings Ace! (How's that for coincidence!?)

It's also been a good week on Neopets - having been around for a few years, you can sense a "Plot" on the air before it arrives. That allowed me time to level up my best pet and grab a few handy weapons cheap before it all kicks off; as well as give a heads up to a few of my "colleagues".

The new plot involves a mysterious giant squid attacking and dragging down one of the islands. I'm hoping it will actually be a new part of a plot that started ... ooh, 8 years ago? Eh, we'll see I guess.

I can't stop long, I'm supposed to be writing a new article.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Attack Dragons Formation Alpha!

The dragons are much better now, having had their full courses of wormer, and being restored with a luxury vitamin and Avipro paste. So much so, they have got back to trying to decide the new pecking order (much to Tsam's confusion).

Kyle, who appears pale grey in the video but is actually the colour of chamois leather, is older, wiser and heavier, but Ampersand is younger, faster, and most importantly - longer. Sandy is, appropriately, a wet sand brown with splashes of olive and bright orange spatters in her beard.

They've had a few clashes, usually involving this tail biting, posturing, wagging, bobbing and dashing around. Sandy is particularly fun to watch, because she flares flat, twists her body AND runs, creating the visual of a dropped saucer rolling along the floor. Kyle usually wusses out first, and they spend a companionable hour or two bathing on the windowsill together.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Possibly the best car salesman ever.

I found this whilst prodding around tinternet eBays this evening. It's a bit long, but totally worth it. All typos are as seen on site.

Ford Focus 1.8 Zetec Ghia Mint Green (Possibly works underwater but this is unconfirmed)

If Trebor made car paint then I imagine it would look something like the colour of this car, it’s a pale minty green. I will include some green Trebor mints in the sale so that you can compare for yourself. Please specify if you would prefer Extra Strong mints instead, they are white (unlike the colour of this car) but I personally prefer them even if I do hold them partially responsible for the decay in one of my teeth.

I took this car in part exchange along with some cash for another car I was selling. I didn’t really want it but I wanted the car I had less and since I am a valeter by trade I saw potential in this.

The engine is sound as can be, the gearbox is a dream, it steers like it’s on rails and all of the features and electricals work as designed. It’s the Ghia model (what does ghia even mean?) so has a bunch of extras such as heated front windscreen, air con, electrically adjustable front seats and an upgraded dash.

Inside its quite lovely, dark and mysterious but shiny and clean. I would feel quite happy to host a business conference inside it. Refreshments could be served through one of the electrically operated windows. Drinks could be placed in 1 of the 2 available cup holders. If your business meeting was for more than 2 people then some of the participants may have to hold their drinks, they might whinge a bit because of this but just remind them that in some parts of the world they haven’t even invented drinks yet.

Nothing nasty to report about the inside of the car, no rips or scuffs, its very tidy actually. I have been driving this minty little number around for a few days now and I was surprised how nice it is to drive and have opted to drive this rather than my Mondeo. OMG I am such a liar, I just remembered that the passenger side door handle is a bit scruffy, that’s all though.

It’s a Ford Focus from 2001 which is exactly 1 year after 2000 when the world didn’t end and VCRs continued to work. I didn’t do much that New Years eve, not because I was afraid an airplane would fall out of the sky and land on me, I just fancied a quiet night in with my girlfriend of that time, I say girl’friend, she was nearly 40 but a proper sporty little thing, bit ugly but perky where it counted. I myself am no beauty box so us both being a bit ugly I never had and insecurities that she would run off with my best friend lol. But she did about a year later! He left his wife, went a bit mad, got sectioned then released, turned out to be an alcoholic and now has pancreatitis, all is well that ends well.

The alloys on this MINT GREEN (it’s not blue or black or red or any other colour, deal with the fact that its mint green to avoid disappointment. If you thought maybe it was silver but the sunshine in the photos made it look a bit green you were wrong) are in genuinely good condition. I gave them a quick tickle with an alloy cleaning brush but they need a better clean than that but since I am quite busy trying to get in to the girl next doors knickers I can’t be bothered. The plastics are all nice and black, the tyres are all insanely named cheap brands but have good tread on them. I valeted the car so it’s looking good and smells divine – you might want to lick it but I recommend against this since some of the cleaning products I use are bad for tongues.

The windows are unbroken glass, have no chips and critically are transparent unlike bricks which are not often used as a window making material, they are tinted at the back so if you take that lass from the chippy up the hills you can do what you like in the back and won’t be seen. Unless someone looks through the windscreen and then the games up and the pillar box is down.

It’s done 107K miles which is much further than I can run and I wouldn’t even attempt to run that far not even for comic relief or children in need unless there was a cash incentive then I would consider it and work out some way to cheat. It would be an elaborate cheat including most likely a helicopter and several disguises, somewhere I have a dress up banana suit which I have only used once so I would probably try to get some more use out of it since I think it cost me about £60 a few years back.

The exterior of the car is generally in pretty good condition, there is some surface rust under the rear wheel arches (not that bad) and its had a small ding on the rear which has been tarted up a bit and doesn’t look that bad. There are a couple of places (arches, rear bumper) that have been resprayed in places probably due to surface rust in the past. I say resprayed, it actually looks like it’s been done by a drunken blind clown at night hanging upside down from a moving giraffe. Honestly, Ghandi could have done a better job slapping paint on with his flip flops. Estimated cost to have this resprayed by someone that isn’t mentally incapacitated is about £150-200 but who knows, maybe you aren’t the picky type and just want a motor that runs well, is comfy and proper posh on the inside.

It’s got MOT and Tax until July and I really can’t see any reason why it won’t fly through its next MOT (apart from the fact that cars don’t fly, be cool if they did)

Aside from the couple of dodgy resprayed bits this is a very decent car that runs beautifully but is green.

Any inspection, test drive, pretend flight is more than welcome. If you don’t want to drive it you can just sit in the driver’s seat and I can make engines noises but there will be an additional fee for this. I can also make airplane noises my Airbus A380 is very impressive, helicopters are harder but I can try if that is your thing.

You can see from the pictures that overall this is a bang tidy motor and you have my word it drives well. If this doesn’t sell I really couldn’t care less, I will keep driving it around not pulling birds. I don’t need to sell it but if you want it you can buy it.

Don’t forget its fathers day soon! What do you buy the dad who has everything? Well if he has a crazy a$$ large desk you could buy him a full scale replica ford focus 1.8 zetec ghia paperweight. If you know someone like Doc Brown for the back to the future trilogy maybe they could make you a remote control lie the one he had for the DeLorean DMC-12 which would be way awesome!

Update, Tuesday 12th April: I like this colour.

I just pretended to get off with myself in the back seats, I had someone confirm that they could see me. This unfortunately means the windows are only lightly tinted and it isn't privacy glass. Also worth mentioning that this car runs on petrol which can be bought at 'petrol stations', if you are unfamiliar with these then ask someone for directions to a place that sells over priced cold sausage rolls. I can confirm that the petrol low light works, it just came on. Also I just took delivery of a docking station for my laptop, the box it came in is surplus to requirements as I have plenty of other empty boxes. I will include this box in the sale at no extra cost. Finally for today, I think a pound coin fell out of my Bermuda shorts and has lodged itself somewhere under the drivers seat, if I don't find it before the car sells you can have this too. Dont be disappointed if its only 50p though, it sounded like a pound but could have been a 50.

On 12-Apr-11 at 12:09:28 BST, seller added the following information: Last night I bought a multi-pack of ready made bovril drinks, just sipping at one now. I want to share the warmth so will leave one of my bovril drinks in one of the 2 cup holders for the winning bidder. You can choose which holder, left or right, but you must supply your own hot water.

On 12-Apr-11 at 13:24:01 BST, seller added the following information: Sorry, the free cardboard box is no longer available. I used it to make a Flux Capacitor. I have now installed this in the Mint Green Ford Focus. It is untested and not covered in anyway by Ford warranty. When I go to buy a sausage roll later I will put some more petrol in and then zip her up to 88mph. If successful I will go back in time to catch the moron that touched up the arches and paint him mint green then ask him how he likes it! I will also go to McDonalds in the early 90's when they still served root beer and stock up. I miss their root beer.

On 12-Apr-11 at 14:10:26 BST, seller added the following information: The reserve is Ssssssshhh! £800 or if you prefer to look at it another way, thats 800 items from a pound shop.

On 12-Apr-11 at 23:16:56 BST, seller added the following information: Bad news, my attempts at time travel have been brought to an ugly full stop. I just remembered that the speed limit in the UK is 70mph so I cant reach 88mph. Probably just as well, have you seen Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? Napoleon was a bit of a handful and I dont have the time to baby sit him. Good news though, my pal was let off with a caution after his dog attempted to hump an old lady that collapsed recently. He was trying to get her in the recovery position and Floyd (the dog) thought it was a game. Someone didnt see the funny side and reported the incident to the police. Did I mention this car has a leather steering wheel? Probably not suitable for vegetarians - not sure? I don't speak vegetarian so can't ask one.

On 13-Apr-11 at 08:27:55 BST, seller added the following information: It is with great sadness that this morning I must inform you that the mint green ford focus has been poo'd on by a bird. I have had a quick look around the neighbourhood and there was 2-3 birds that looked a bit guilty, I have issued them with verbal warnings but on this occasion I am not prepared to perform DNA testing. I will remove the offending poo splash with my high power jet wash, I know it's high power because I once shot my friend in his marble collection and I swear he had tears in his eyes. I once hid 2 sachets of brown sauce in his wallet and then forgot about it for at least 2 months until he called me from work saying words that would kill a nun instantly. The sachets had finally burst making it look like he had gone to the toilet in his pants, he wasn't allowed to go home and change so spent the whole day soiled. Speaking of contortion-ism, I confirm I can not wrap my leg around the entire circumference of the time machine ford focus, I hope this does not affect the final auction price.

Dear pistolfeet,
Hola, I was wondering if you had pictures of the 'girl next door' and if they will be supplied upon viewing of the motor vehicle, if not will she be around for me to spy on?
Much love - iphad

Dear iphad,
Thank you for taking the time to ask about my untested mint green time machine ford focus. I can neither confirm or deny the existence of said photographs however my mum has an old cooking book which has drawings of happy looking 1940s women mixing things in bowls. If I can smuggle a page or two out of her house then I could supply these instead. Do you like home made sponge cake or trifle most? Miss Cookies is my favorite, she has a cheeky smile.
- pistolfeet

On 13-Apr-11 at 10:45:16 BST, seller added the following information: I have added a diagram to photobucket which details my future plans for the Mint Green Ford Focus if it fails to sell. They are not protected by any patents so you may copy them if you wish but I advise against doing these modifications to a Fiat Uno because they get very rusty and could not sustain the additional weight, and lets face it, Fiat Unos are a bit rubbish.

On 13-Apr-11 at 13:44:45 BST, seller added the following information: On 13-Apr-11 at 14:18:12 BST, seller added the following information: This is how I would imagine it be to go shark fishing in a mint green ford focus:

On 13-Apr-11 at 14:35:26 BST, seller added the following information: There is a bee stuck under my summer house and it's driving me nuts buzzing around. I tried coaxing it out with a bit of cheese and a jam scone but it's having none of it. Ford Focus's (especially mint green ones) have an inbuilt feature to prevent getting trapped under a summer house, the feature is known to us specialists in the mint green car sales industry as 'Size', rest assured that you will not be wasting precious scones and French cheeses attempting to coax your car out from under summer houses or other shedery structures in order to get to work on time. I recently bought a hand zapper for swatting flies, the electric kind! Not electric flies, that would be silly but an electric zapper. The temptation to try it out on myself was too much, it hurt much like I imagine giving birth to a hybrid cactus/food processor would. The reflex action from the zap was enough for me to slap myself on the eyeball. I can now exercise restraint when wishing to try the zapper on myself.

On 13-Apr-11 at 18:25:11 BST, seller added the following information: My sincere apologies, I should have made this clear from the very beginning to avoid any doubt in your minds. I am pleased to confirm that you can easily fit 3 tins of Heinz Baked beans and 1 bottle of cheap aftershave on the dashboard. None of these are included in the sale of the mint green ford focus but I will allow you a spray of the aftershave, if I think you have sprayed more than is fair I will have to rub my face against you to reclaim some of the aftershave. I have not been able to test (due to laziness on my behalf) if an expensive bottle of aftershave would squeeze on to the dash but I suspect not.

On 14-Apr-11 at 12:21:04 BST, seller added the following information: Good news! The Focus is still driving awesome, I just took it for a spin in to town to pay a bill that I really didnt want to pay. I popped in to Dominos to try one of there sub sandwiches, the bloke said it would take 10 mins he must be new because it only took 5 mins but I didn't say anything. Sorry but I ate it in the car which now smells a bit of peperoni but I can fix that, it did that thing that pizzas do you know when its really hot but you try and nibble at it anyway then a bit of cheese and a piece of peperoni slides out and sticks to your chin. Its left a red burn on my chin that looks a bit like the sun emerging from behind a pyramid, its quite arty really. I used my free can of coke to try and cool the burn a bit, that was useless. Any way the sub was a let down unlike the focus. Why haven't you bid yet?

On 15-Apr-11 at 09:25:05 BST, seller added the following information: I have had an awful night, firstly I chipped a tooth on some cheddar flavoured biscuits which was bad enough but then I fell asleep on the sofa and had a dream that Texas Pete from superted had stolen my pressure washer which I need this morning. I notice that photobucket have stopped sharing my pictures because you lot exceeded my bandwidth, I am a bit annoyed with them, what do I pay my council tax for! I put them on another site called image shack, I am not sure I trust them, something doesn't feel right.

On 15-Apr-11 at 15:25:09 BST, seller added the following information: Many of you, approximately 7, have asked if they can buy the original images from this post. For me, quite frankly it is all about the money. You may bid to buy here:220770250602 That is for a fishing boat and Ford Focus picture that I drew all by myself. The whale depicted in the drawing is called Weirdo and is included.

On 15-Apr-11 at 19:22:15 BST, seller added the following information: The fonts all look messed up on this update, fonts are like people.

On 15-Apr-11 at 22:19:55 BST, seller added the following information: Facebook Q: Not a question about the car but your add is the best add I have ever read I will put you on my favourites list so I can read future adds. Thank you for a great read even thou I think you may be a little mad but arnt we all. Take care M 16-Apr-11

A: You too, dont let the bed bugs bite. I hope this answered your question.

Q: I'm not interested in buying the car. It's the wrong shade of mint green for me! However I thought you might be interested to know that this ad is causing a huge buzz on Facebook. A helluva lot of people have been sharing this. Made us chuckle. Suuuuuperb mate. Keep it up! 16-Apr-11
A: It's nice to know that mint is the new black. What is facebook? Is it like yellowpages?

Q: 160000 views! awesome! more please!!!!!! 16-Apr-11
A: I'm sorry, you have failed your audition for 'Oliver' the eBay auction. Please try again when you have all of the words SIR. P.s I loved you in wall street

Q: Hi, Your car reminds me of a chewy not chalky remegel tablet, I'm potentially very interested in buying the mint green focus but could you please tell me how effective it is against acid indigestion, heart burn & excess acid, Thanks. 16-Apr-11
A: Its awful, I have had more success with a cake slice. What was the question again?

Q: Ford focus's are absolute shit but ive never read anything so funny in my life, my pregnant bird laughed so much her belly wobbled uncontrollably and now my unborn daughter thinks shes stuck in a wave machine, I laughed so hard a little bit of wee came out! Come to Donny for a night on the piss and Ill buy ur beer all night. Fu@@in excellent. 15-Apr-11
A: I have read a lot of mails this week. Yours made me laugh.

Q: OMG i have the worse week at work BUT i saw your ad on facebook and have had the best laugh ive had in ages! Can you please write a book or at the very least set up a blogg somewhere and let us all have access to it......i think you should be available on NHS prescription it would save billions and the world would be a happier place!! i hope you sell the lovely minty BUT in reality i am lying, i want you to relist it so we can continue the journey...you have united many internet locations...world domination or maybe consider working for the united nations! Awesome!!! thanks for making my friday evening :-)XXXXXXX 15-Apr-11
A: For the moment I can be found on facebook as pistolfeet porter

Q: pistolfeet .....somehow your listing made it onto our website forum (lincs4x4.com) and after reading it twice, falling off my chair laughing, I have now put it on facebook for all friends to read. You have certainly cheered an otherwise dreary friday evening up and I thankyou for that and wish you well... Hope that you get lots of money for it, buy something else and then sell that too on ebay......annie x 15-Apr-11
A: Deer Madam, I spelled it that way in case you are a talking Deer. Thank you for your email, may I suggest a bench seat, they are more difficult to fall from.

Q: Hi, I'm interested in your car, is it be compatible with Windows XP? 15-Apr-11
A: Hello I represent the ford focus in stunning mint green. You will require a dongle to integrate this with XP.

Q: Dear Sir Please ignore my previous question as I have jumped started the Typhoon fighter with a 1983 Casio calulator battery and equiped the wings with bananas instead of missiles. ps the barmaid bird in our local is really skinny should I feed her sausages. Wing Commander Faquat 15-Apr-11
A: I refuse to communicate further with you until you provide written proof of your moustache sir.

Q: is the flux capacitor for sale separately? 15-Apr-11
A: No, let me check with warehouse to see if we have any more in - would you be prepared to pick one up from another store?

Q: I have no interest in your beautiful car im affraid! But i would just like to know the year of the £1 or £0.50 that you dropped. As i am a very keen coin collector. You are officially an ebay legend pistolfeet!!!!!!! 15-Apr-11
A: Hello, it sounded like a 1989 but they are so similar to a 1994 I cant be 100% sure. If they made velcro pound coins I would never have found myself in this out of pocket situation.

Q: excuse me,you have made me laugh sooooooo much,i think i love you ;-) i love the car too,but im so far away :-( roflmao 15-Apr-11
A: I would like you to send me birthday cards, can you please sign them 'Love from pookie buttons'

Q: omg your ad has had me in stitches!!! my son is looking at me like i am a right wierdo sat here laughing to myself 15-Apr-11
A: My favourite Stephanie was the one in the movie 'Short Circuit' as a boy I wanted one of those robot but as a man I want one of those robots and Stephanie.

Q: I LOVE YOU! No really, I do. I actually work for your local Radio station - BBC Tees. I would LOVE to speak to you on the show. Would you be up for it?? Thanks, Lisa McCormick 15-Apr-11
A: Ha, you won't catch me out that easily! If it really is you Lisa McCormick of local radio fame, spell me your first name! Oh and no love hearts instead of dots!

Q: I felt i should take this opportunity to apologise for the poorly repaired paintwork. I used to own this vehicle and late one summers evening after consuming cider and burnt burgers attempted to repair the damage myself using the skills i had. It quickly became apparant my skills were non existant and so took up hairdressing instead. As a "minty" green focus isnt an ideal car for a hairdresser i sold it and bought an mx5 instead. However now i feal a carear change is in order so am looking to sell the mx5. I must warn you now that i painted it matt black, judgjng by my repair to the focus you can probably picture what the mx5 looks like. All this is by the by my question to you is would you concider swapping the minty focus and valeting equipment for my mx5 and hairdressing equipment? I know its a carrear change but you seem to be able to turn your hand to anything, and like you i will give anything a go once (twice if im not sure im awful at it). Let me know Mat 15-Apr-11
A: You should be imprisoned and force fed cheese graters! But I would still visit and give you cigarettes to trade for inmate favours.

Q: Do you love me...as much as I love you? Could be get married underneath the sunset or are you more of a gretna green kinda guy? ;)xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 15-Apr-11
A: The answer to this much depends on your hygiene.

Q: i have for years been trying to grow fiat puntos in my garden, this morning success i have now have one, can i or shall paint it mint green ? 15-Apr-11
A: I think you know the answer to that! It would be a screaming dirty underpants of a stain for you not to.

Q: hi pistolfeet, just read your item description, havent laughed so much for ages, i can only imagine what a date with you would be like LOL good luck with selling the car. 15-Apr-11
A: I usually start all my dates in the library, I like to woo the ladies by showing them rude pictures from anatomy books. If they put out I treat them to a bar of Cadbury Bournville dark fine chocolate but always read out the Fat Stats on the back so they know what they are letting themselves in to.

Q: hello, your car was discussed on Capital radio station this morning which prompted me to take a look, im very much enjoying your sense of humour, your make me laugh a lot. do you have a girlfriend as current? Kind Regards, Hot Blonde Florist 15-Apr-11
A: Thank you for showing a keen interest in my Florist Friendly Hot Mint Ford Focus. Your mail made me shudder, a bit like when you have a wee and it makes you shiver and body spaz, it was a nice feeling. Do you sell those flowers from Little shop of Horrors?

Q: Outstanding my man, but just thought you may like to know that you are the subject of much hilarity here ; http://www.avforums.com/forums/general-chat/1442402-another-quality-ebay-auction.html. Thanks again for brightening up my day !! 15-Apr-11
A: Thank you for asking about my mint green ford focus, many years ago I also had a red one that was a company car. The man who owned the company was called Bob, nobody like Bob or his wife for that matter. Every time Bob (or Fet, as we called him) went out we would play office cricket which consists of a cardboard postage tube and some screwed up tin foil from our sarnies. Oh the old days.

Q: Dear Sir, I read with interest that you have several ideas that would return our kingdom to greatness. I’m very keen to hear what these are. Please contact me at No. 10 Downing Street, London. SW1A 2AA. Yours sincerely David Cameron 15-Apr-11
A: Firstly Mr. Cameron allow me to help you with your coat. Now, send for the chuckle brothers and bring me some pie.

Q: When was the Flux capacitor last PAT tested? 15-Apr-11
A: I don't know you well enough to answer such a personal question.

Q: I don't want to buy your car . but I have on offer one of my siblings he is 25yrs old , not house trained , very gay , loves pink ,( and green lol ) works occasionally, has few bumps and scratches but scrubs up well , has his own hips (always a bonus ) needs a new home due to being to old to live with his mother , and is driving me crazy . has great SOH . will deliver for free many thanks x mwahh ( i did list him one time on ebay but got took off lol ) 15-Apr-11
A: Is the V5 document present? Is he ginger?

Q: OMFG... its been a while since i laughted that much.!!! please let me have your babies..!!!!!!!!! "you had me at minty green"..;-))) 15-Apr-11
A: When I was a child I used to play with radiation, I am not sure it is safe for me to make babies, would you accept puppies?

Q: Hi, I love the idea of a minty green car. What I really need to know is is it a peppermint green, spearmint green or more of an applemint green? p.s I want your babies 15-Apr-11
A: You seem very hung up on the colour green, to avoid disappointment I should tell you now I can only make pinkish colour babies.

Q: i think i love you ;) 15-Apr-11
A: I wish you could make up your mind, uncertainty makes me nervous.

Q: Has anyone told you that you are first-rate writer? Get all this lot to a publishers NOW - you won't need to sell second-hand cars, you will make a fortune (tell Stephen Fry to budge over as you are on your way to the top) As a granny, I particularly loved the bit about the dog, the humping, and the prostrate old lady....made me snort coffee out of my nose! 15-Apr-11
A: If you were my granny I would make things for you to stick on your fridge, I would make them out of recycled materials because I know mature people are concerned about the world exploding, which is ironic since they are less likely to be around when it happens. P.S I bet you can still shake it on the dance floor.

Q: i want to buy the car, just to meet you! re read a million times and showed everyone on facebook hahaha 15-Apr-11
A: I really wish there was a million reread certificate.

Q: I think I might be in love with you. Is this going to be a problem? 15-Apr-11
A: Only if you like to fondle gerbils

Q: Hi pistolfeet, are your feet really like pistols and if so does that mean that they discharge bullets if the safety is off? This question has been perplexing me all afternoon? Also how do you get shoes to fit? My shoes all fit me quite well except the pink ones, they pinch a little. 15-Apr-11
A: I bet you have a pretty bum, I too have a pretty bum but it can sometimes be smelly. I am restricted by French law from talking about my feet in detail. Have you ever pumped? I once pumped when making out with a woman, I tried to kiss her louder to cover it up but I am sure she knew.

Q: Hello pistolfeet, I have just read the add for the 2001 FORD FOCUS GHIA 1.8 Zetec Clean Interior... thank you very much for making laugh so much! Onto something more serious, I would like to buy the drawings you have done of the car they are truly fantastic! please contact me to let me know if you would like to sell the drawings, I completely understand if you wish to keep them but worth a try aye! Cheers teddy83339 P.S. Do you have facebook/youtube profiles? If so could you give me the name so I can add you to read more fantastic comedy! 15-Apr-11
A: Hello Teddy, I hope you are a cuddly as I imagine. I have had a lot of interest in my drawings, make me an offer before they go to auction. Regards Pistolfeet

Q: would you be interesting in running for prime minister in the next election? 15-Apr-11
A: Certainly not but I do have several ideas that would return our kingdom to greatness.

Q: this is the funniest ebay sale ive ever scean. you are one day going to be famous and a legend. therefore i would like to buy all your drawings that have featured in your add. id also like to buy the 3 cans of heinz beans too . look forward to hearing your reply . 14-Apr-11
A: All of this is possible. Did you like battle cat, I prefer cringer really.

Q: Hello there, I am very intresting in purchasing this car, do you have a full service history? And is it possible that you may sell the flux capacitor seperately? My mate just drove his Delorean to 88mph and went back in time. The rest is history. Cheers. 14-Apr-11
A: An angry rhino ate the car, it is no longer for sale.

Q: This is the best listing...... Ever! 14-Apr-11
A: Your extra full stops are very sexy, where did you buy them?

Q: Is this a genuine sale? I got a link off the babycentre website! Your amazingly funny there's no way you valet cars for a living! From Sabrina (owner of depressing grey car covered in bird sh@t as it's parked under a tree) 14-Apr-11
A: I am the best damn valeter in the history of the universe, well pretty good, my clients are happy. I could make you want to drive your depressing grey car again without the use of bribes or hypnotism. You are not a chicken.

Q: What is the air speed velocity of a fully laden european swallow? also do you have a facebook page? 14-Apr-11
A: Roughly the same speed as a shrubbery falling from 100ft. I am frightened about giving out my face book page since you might see my youtube videos.

Q: Would u sell the banana suit? 14-Apr-11
A: NEVER, how dare you, love you really! Remember Banana Man? My mate had the theme tune as a ring tone on his mobile, it was funny at first but he liked it so much he wouldn't answer the phone until it had played most of the way through. We don't talk much now but we both still like Banana Man.

Q: Nice write up you have there about the car.....but you forgot to mention anything about the cv boots, axles, drives and most importantly the boot catch.....they do tend to go on these models....also the fuel pump is also a dodgy component. My main question is if I was to use this car in a theoretical robbery of one of the bollards outside of Old Trafford football stadium, how fast would she drive away.....say if I 'robbed' this bollard at 3pm what time would I arrive in Bolton? 14-Apr-11
A: Did we go to school together? Were you the kid that picked lockers with a paper clip? I still want my rubber back, the one that smelled like raspberries.

Q: I used to have a minty green Ford Focus called Thicky. It was severely injured and was put down. Have you ever tried licking the inside of the windscreen? It tastes like lemon sherbet. 14-Apr-11
A: I once found a frog in my pond that was huge, like it had been blown up with a straw. My vet put it down for free. I thought that was kind, he didn't refund my petrol expenses though. I dont even like frogs, they are sneaky and have funny noses.

Q: Will you marry me? 14-Apr-11
A: Do you need a visa?

Q: i notice that the delivery date "varies". If I were the winning bidder of the minty green beauty plus flux capacitator, could you deliver on the 14th of june 2006, just before 3pm? 14-Apr-11
A: Hello, its kind of you to email me regarding my classic mint green with central locking ford focus. In order for me to reach the all important 88mph I would need to go by ferry to reach the German autobahn - would you be able to pay the additional fees? Homeboy, sorry, always wanted to say that.

Q: I had a Fiat Uno once. It was a Tuesday. 14-Apr-11
A: Yes, I was afraid of this. Are you okay now?

Q: Can I employ you to follow me around and provide me with lolz 24/7? You can wear a minty green suit.... 14-Apr-11
A: It would be quite expensive, I eat a lot of crisps and curry. Do you have cable television?

Q: Please please tell me u have got other items to list on here as i find this so amusing and entertaining that when it ends i dont feel my life could be the same...please dont be the one responsible for causing me this sadness and go raid ur cupboards for more exciting items to sell!! 14-Apr-11
A: I was really sad when they ended Battlestar Galactica, how dare they, they have no idea how much effort I put in downloading them. I am a bit distracted at the moment, I just went for a pee and it was more powerful than I expected and I wet the bottom of my jumper.

Q: If I were to purchase the minty goddess and successfully integrate the flux capacitor (thus creating a working time machine) and as a consequence found myself trapped in a dangerous point in the past (I'm thinking dinosaurs and/or similar), what protection does the car offer? And also would there be some opportunity of a refund? 14-Apr-11
A: Death is almost a certainty, I am not sure how effective pepper spray is against dinosaurs but I could include some of the cheap stuff from tesco an a nerf gun. If you lick the ends of the nerf bullets and dip them in pepper and aim for the eyes you could be on to a decent escape.

Q: Hi, would you be interested in a PX for full salad bar privileges at any branch of Harvester for one whole year + £200 cash your way? I'll throw in a compromising picture of Burt and Ernie from Sesame Street. 14-Apr-11
A: I remember that special night with Burt, Ernie and the rubber duck. I am not a fan of friction burns.

Q: With regards to the bee....if you manage nto free him could you ist him on ebay for me to try and buy.....I saved a bee from a spiders web the other day and in thanks for his newly gained freedom he tried to sting me....ungrateful get.......so I would like your bee to experiment with please...thanks. 14-Apr-11
A: Bees, you really cant trust them. I once tried to catch one bee to sting another bee with in the hope it would go back and explain to all other bees that it was unkind to sting people, I was 7 and got stung.

Q: Hi pistolfeet, I want this car , mainly for the colour. Personally i think the earlier version of the focus was shall we say , poop ! but hey , in mint green ?? oh yes . So my question.... Can you give me the winning lottery numbers for saturday so that i may place a bid to win this fabulous machine , Cheers FingersBev 14-Apr-11
A: fingersbev, a name that delights my imagination. It would be wrong of me to supply such details but so long as you keep it quiet try 01-08-17-21-33-45. My name is pistoltoes, is your imagination delighted also?

Q: Gotta say your add is class wish I had the money to buy the car just to come and meet ya haha Ya add is on vvoc vauxhall vectra owners club and every1 is buzzin lad Keep up the good work Respect 14-Apr-11
A: It has been lovely speaking to so many lovely people except one that was a bit mean. So Jackthewelshman where are you from? If I had to guess I would say Portugal but only because tonights countries beginning with the letter 'P' is my preferred choice.

Q: Hello, very informative advert, I did have a quick scan of it. Could you just confirm the colour of it for me though, are you sure it's green? Also, I hear no mention of breaks, does it come with breaks? It's my first car purchase, I've heard they are an important feature. Cheers. 14-Apr-11
A: Whilst this mint green ford focus does come equipped with very good brakes I personally think they are over rated and that a rolling stop is much better.

Q: I have studied ol' minty carefully and have come to realise that the reason you didn't succeed in time travel is that the flux capacitor was mounted in an incorrect place. The good news is that all you have to do is mount it at the rear of the vehicle you wish to time travel in and it should work. ( even a rusty fait uno ). The bad news (and I'm sorry a stranger is breaking this to you) is that as you mounted said devise at the side of your chosen vehicle you have probably travel sideways in time and are now in a parrell world. As I live in this world (I think) I would like to welcome you and hope you stay. If you choose to leave then stick the flux capacitor on the drivers side, repeat the journey and hope you end up back in your original world. Good luck in your chosen future. 14-Apr-11
A: Are you from the Time Travel board? I have told you a 1000 times, the cheque is in the post!

Q: in the photo's it shows the car comes with standard Focus alloys yet the later drawings you include show some 4 spokes, assuming these are aftermarket... which alloys will the car come with? thanks 14-Apr-11
A: Ah you are referring to my 'show' alloys, Michael insists these look better than the standard ones but I think he is full of monkey pi$$. I have never tasted Monkey Pi$$ but I have always assumed it tastes like coconut and pineapple.

Q: I have shown images of what you described as a Mint Green Ford Focus to an expert colourologist who previously worked at Dulux (until he was caught in bed with the Dulux dog and was forced to resign his position as Chief Colourologist). He assures me that it is actually Minted Glory 6 with a hint of Dublin Bay 5. If you do not correct this I will be forced to report you to the Advertising Standards Agency. 14-Apr-11
A: I always knew that dog was a bit saucy. Does your friend accept back handers?

Q: Are you really Keith lemon? You are quite genius and wasting your talent writing on eBay but please sell more so we can all read. 14-Apr-11
A: cometsbsg, that is also my middle name. I once knew a bloke called Keith, he worth those giant NHS glasses even though they had stopped making them 20 years previously. The arms of the glasses pointed right out to the sides to accommodate the increased size of his head.

Q: Hi there. I have severe disabilities and a lot of problems with mobility so what I am wondering is - which orthopeadic service would you reccomend? Also, would the car help me pull birds? Even a ginger chav one with freckles and a brace would do... The car isn't located in Thorntree or Saltergill is it? I have been banned from them for being a pubic nuisance... 14-Apr-11
A: Kind poster, I am pleased to inform you that the car (a mint green ford focus) is situated in a quiet suburb free of chavs. Sadly I can also confirm that this car does not help pull birds but I can include a tow rope if this would help gain your interest. I can't recommend and orthopeadic service due to an ongoing court case.

Q: As someone who is fluent in vegetarian, I can confirm that a leather steering wheel is unfortunately not safe to have the glorious veggie V emblazoned across it. That said, if any meat eater fancies eating the steering wheel, I would probably suggest that they should make their way to the petrol station instead for one of the sausage rolls you mentioned. Over-priced they may be, but better that than eat a steering wheel. I hope that this information helps in the sale of the vehicle. (PS - would I be right in assuming that the picture with battle cat is also just a potential idea, or are you now including Battle Cat in the sale? If you can include Battle Cat this would render the item far more interesting to me as a purchase. I can't remember the name of his simpering alter-ego. Can you?) 14-Apr-11
A: Battle Cat's alter ego Cringer refuses to allow the sale to go ahead. I once ate a pot noodle in my car and as usual some missed my mouth and landed partly on my leg and jolly rancher but also on the steering wheel - I licked it off. It was curry flavour.

Q: Hi I quite like the colour of the car would it be possible for you to remove it and let me purchase just the colour? 14-Apr-11
A: Thats a very good idea, it would make a lovely bathroom tile colour. Unfortunately the paint goes with the car in this auction I couldn't bare to separate them, not so young.

Q: I once met an old guy, outside a pub,smoking a cigarette, who said that you're not safe til you're ten years dead. He was old and is probably safely dead by now... Is your Focus safe and, if so, just how safe? Surely it can't be proper, ten years dead safe, unless you're telling porkies about the success of your time travel? God Bless, 14-Apr-11
A: Have you ever seen the film Flatliners - they were dead but not safe. The mint green ford focus has airbags.

Q: Are you really shure it is minty green, and not silver with the sun on it? 14-Apr-11
A: My trebor colour comparison chart says Minty Green

Q: Your my fookin hero, i actually p1ssed myself 14-Apr-11
A: You might be interested in my other items "Non-Minted Tena Pants for Men" If you buy my car I will also sing the song from the bodyform advert, I know they both have different uses but they all mingle in the same playground.

Q: Hi M8 I really like your car and I have decided to buy it of you 4 £250 innit, even though you been got a bid of 820 my money is better and anyway they won't probably even both to turn up and you'll have to go with that bird from down the road who hasn't even got real teeth. 14-Apr-11
A: I like you saturdaygig, reading your email was like being tickled below with the wispy bits off a corn on the cob.

Q: Personally this car is worth a lot of money because after this internet success your eBay ID will be passed about and all of your future adds will gain appreciation for their descriptions. You are an absolute legend dude... I have never laughed so much while still trying to read on... to laugh more. I hope your Focus sells because its actually a good example for a car of that age. 14-Apr-11
A: I accept you offer of £1million US Pounds, please deliver the money in unmarked potato sacks to the address I am sending you.

Q: genius... 14-Apr-11
A: I think you will find genius is spelled Jeanius! Not so clever after all are we Mr darren6tv4

Q: hey, does your flux capacitor, flux? 14-Apr-11
A: It is currently in a state of non flux, I am having difficulty extracting the 1.21 gigawatts from the car lighter socket.

Q: Dear seller, if I test drive your mint green Ford Focus can I make pretend fighter jet noises with my mouth? 14-Apr-11
A: Only if I can play Maverick. Goose was a loser!

Q: Hi, does the vehicle come bundled with the sense of humour and ingenious originality? Yours truly, Ricky Gervais. 14-Apr-11
A: Thank you for showing interest in my humour filled ingenious and original mint green ford focus. P.S I loved you in The Office

Q: Meow ? 14-Apr-11
A: oo oo I love these games, are you a cauliflower?

Q: mate i dont even car about the minty green love machine but may i take this moment to congratulate you on making a grow man piss himself we may never meet shit we may never even talk but i love you like life itself you can make love to my sister in my eyes you are a LEGEND and i salute you i bid you farewell i like the cut of your jib very much 14-Apr-11
A: I chose laminate flooring for my bathroom for that very reason, you know how sometimes you need a wee before you go shopping but cant be bothered, then all the way round you are busting but just want to get the shopping finished, so you finally get in and dash for the toilet but the pressure is too high in mr pinky pipe and you and up hitting everything! Laminate, its the future of incontinence.

Q: Your a legend mate, before I come view your focus how hot on a scale of 1-10 is your neighbour? 14-Apr-11
A: I like you too LUKElotsofnumbers believe me I would like to shove a thermometer under her arm pit to find out. But she is very intelligent and would see through my stupid attempt to touch her arm pit in that way.

Q: Best listing I've ever read! 14-Apr-11
A: I liked the one about the wetsuit, its almost like he borrowed my mint green focus went forward in time and stole my sense of humour. Obviously a bit of car envy going on there.

Q: Hi mate thankyou for making a boring day very happy , great read and I hope you sell the focus for lots of cash. You need your own website to write whatever comes to mind and I would happily donate one to you cos your wit is destined to make you famous. 14-Apr-11
A: May you be blessed with tickles, giggles and mars bars all day long. Thank you

Q: Thank you for your prompt reply. Because of your speedy answer I will let you off the fact you have called me sir when I am actually a female of the species and therefore more deadly than the male. That is, if Space are to be believed. 14-Apr-11
A: Beg your pardon maaam! I bet if you had an issue with facial hair growth that you wouldnt have seen the funny side of it though. Dont let this put you off mint green focus's

Q: If this does not make the news at Ten there is something wrong!!... wicked! 14-Apr-11
A: Hello Taylormade-debs. A taylor (tailor) once touched me in a place that shouldn't be touched, the apples blew in the wind.
Q: Will you take 1k cash? 14-Apr-11
A: Dear lotsofnumbersROB, I am obliged to allow this auction to run its course. Thank you for your offer.

Q: Lovely looking car you have for sale. The location really brings out the best in its colour. Which brings me to my question. Where is the car located? You, yourself, and no doubt Michael, I think that's his name, reside in Middlesbrough according to the ad on ebay. However, I have doubts as to whether the car is there too as I don't recall seeing anywhere that green up there. Where would the car be posted from if I was the winning bidder? 14-Apr-11
A: Dear sir, since I have yet to gain my 'Safety with bubble wrap' certificate I am afraid you will have to collect the vehicle from Middlesbrough where it is I assure you, firmly located.

Q: Hi, is your boot big enough to fit a grots worh of repack boxes in? plus do you know anyone who would like to swap a harry von turbo draft an work with a bunch of civvies in uniform!!?? 14-Apr-11
A: Your words scare me. Please can we be friends?

Q: Hi, I have read your description and I noticed that you made a vague reference to the colour being a shade of green, however when I look through the photos it would seem to me that the car is silver and maybe it's just the reflection of the trees that make it look green. Could you be mistaken? 14-Apr-11
A: Quite the opposite, the trees are actually silver and reflecting the awesome minty greeness of my 2001 Ford Focus Ghia?!

Q: i promise to make you excessive amounts of beans on toast and to pretend i don't know what the neighbors are talking about when they say you're sitting in all of their cars pretending to have your way with yourself while your friend takes photos. 14-Apr-11
A: He isn't my friend any more because I put too much about him on an ebay auction for a mint green ford focus, he made me promise not to mention the time his dog was dreaming and had a sex accident on his arm. Thats why dogs should sleep in their own beds.

Q: I myself am also allergic to the feline population but you have mentioned that one of your close friends is a cheetah. I'm just wondering if you are allergic to Michael as well? If not I think I may consider finding my very own cheetah to befriend because I hate being the only one of my friends that doesn't have a cat! Are they quite loyal companions? 14-Apr-11
A: Michael is treated with mole urine which lessens my allergic reaction to him. To be quite frank with you Michael is a proper cunning little b@$$tard, he isnt loyal at all. Do not buy a Cheetah.

Q: Hi Pistolfleet. Your advert will go down in history - so funny! If only more ebay adverts were like this... Good luck with the sale. 14-Apr-11
A: I remember I laughed in a history class when I heard that King Harold was shot in the eye with an arrow, I had to write one hundred times "History is not funny, it is important" whilst I was doing this my mates kept passing me notes saying "Ha-Ha" or "arrow" when I inevitably laughed again I was made to stand outside and think about King Harold, I thought he was stupid for not ducking.

Q: this is the funniest thing i have ever read. it must of taken you a long time to think of it all, everyone i have showed they just laugh, hope it sells:) Anna 14-Apr-11
A: I am replying to you from my mobile conferencing and business suite, your email had been read and filed in the glove box for future consideration. We (Pistolfeet and I) thank you for your kind words but would like to remind you that vehicles of this calibre and colour should have no problem selling at all. (Michael wrote that last bit, I dont think it will sell even though its dirty little mincer of a motor)

Q: Just wanted to say that this is one of the funniest things I have ever read. You sir are a genius. I have sent this to my Dad who is at Heathrow Airport working, I'm sure it will be doing the rounds soon. It's also on a clan website I am with under Tilly's Cantina if you wanna see comments. www.warriornation.net Pure gold mate. 14-Apr-11
A: Thank you street_bullet if that is even your real name! You really shouldn't distract your dad at work, especially if he is a pilot? I dont want my ebay auction recorded on the black box data recorder. I have always wondered why they dont make airplanes out of the same material as the black boxes or even out of dolls heads because both always survive impact although I do find charred dolls heads a bit creepy. Thank you again for your email, if you and your clan are planning a picnic this summer I would love to come, is there a dress code?

Q: Hi! I'm enjoying the sale of your minty number a lot! Just one quick question, as you've stated, it's not advised to lick the interior of the mint ford focus, as your cleaning products are not tongue friendly. However, if I was to lick the exterior, would this provide me with some minty tastefullness? All the best with the sale 13-Apr-11
A: oh tef1981 its like we have know each other for minutes, me with my mint green focus, you with your personal licking questions. You really would expect the focus to taste minty, have you ever put Mentos in to a bottle of coke? I have but it was a disappointing climax much like that night with Krista from Belgium but in my defense it was my first time and cheap vodka has its downfalls. I would say if you are really rich then pay some one to do a lick test first or just lick it a little bit. If you like the taste of polish (not the people from poland) maybe this car is for you.

Q: Unfortunately I recently purchased a doom gloom green Chrysler Neon or I could have possibly been encouraged to purchase your mint green temptress. It came with some optional extras such as dents and odd colour paint work. Though it has a cd player! I dont know whether its capable of time travel but it gets me to work and back in 30 minutes. My question is should I leave my wife she gets on my nerves. 13-Apr-11
A: Good evening, I quite like your name DJ_KELLOGS2003 but I think I would be scared to meet you even if it was at a soft play area with a free bouncy castle. Me and my mate Miles (no joke) once had a Chrysler Neon as a loan car through work. We literally thrashed the goolies off it, I hope it isnt the one you have now, it was a 2.0ltr automatic if it is I am really sorry and will ask Miles if he is sorry too. Being a bit older now we would drive it with more respect but would probably still pump in it if the need was there. Dont feel bad about the time travel thing I have it on good authority that chrysler neons lack the suspension required for reentry in to normal time. Dont you find the boot lid is made out of the same metal used to make yorkshire pudding trays? I might take this opportunity to point out that women are precious, sexy, annoying, irritating but still sexy and precious and best of all have boobies with n!pples on them. Treat her like a queen and she will stop getting on your nerves and you WILL benefit in the long run. Unless she is really ugly and picks her bum, then drive her in to the countryside and leave her there.

Q: Mate you are actually hillerious, thanks so much you have had me in tears reading this ebay listing and my family !! please keep me updated with other things you sell :) 13-Apr-11
A: Hi, if I get backing from a venture capital consortium I will soon be manufacturing and selling wellies for frogs on ebay (they will have frog logos and waterproof bows on the side) so I hope very much that you come back and buy some. You sound like the type of person that likes to keep their family happy, ford focus's (especially mint green ones) are well know for making families happy. If you are going to continue to cry though I suggest seeking medical advice, you may be suffering from depression, ebay is very depressing because it makes you want to spend money. As a kid I used to find Rod, Jane and Freddy very depressing - Do you think they were all involved in 'that' way or just chums?

Q: Hey From Boro, your advert just made me lmao. Hope it sells. 13-Apr-11
A: Hey right back at you mpr214h (which is my personal favourite ebay name ever), I think I might have seen you around and remember thinking to myself wow he looks buff, wish I could work out and look that good but you know what, he would look so much cooler driving a mint green ford focus. On a serious note, I hope your a$$ grows back. I used to have ROFL syndrome which didn't work in my favour on a visit to glass recycling plant with comedian Rob Brydon.

Q: hi i need to check the colour and if white i may be interested, if not then please view the below attachment for your enjoyment, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS6I-dEO9W8 13-Apr-11
A: Regarding your inquiry as to the colour of my MINT green ford focus I can confirm it is white. Well I say white but I really mean magnolia because for some reason that colour emulsion is cheaper in B&Q. Your attachment provided me with roughly 7 seconds of loud chuckling. It reminded me of a time when I was drunk at a party, stripped naked and clipped a pager to my pop-up pirate. It was funny until my parents found the photographs, then it was about 15% less funny.

Q: I love the colour but my poor aged Mother is allergic to the colour green. As I have to transport her to the local outpatients clinic on a weekly basis I have to ask do you have it in a slightly less green colour? Perhaps a blue or black? I know that the colour green would be handy for sneaking up on animals when taking the car on safari but it's all down to my mother. 13-Apr-11
A: Thank you fatboy_1972 for showing a huge interest in my slightly more green than desired ford focus. Firstly am sorry to hear about your mother, I have one of those too so can sympathize. This car has never to my knowledge been on safari but I can include some black spray paint should you wish to disguise it as a Zebra for example. As a boy my mother would take me to peoples houses that had cats even though she knew I was allergic, by the end of the night I would be a snotty, sneezing mess - the kind of sneezes that leave candle sticks running down over your lip in to your mouth, snot is not quite as bad to the taste as you might expect. I suggest you get tough with your mother - greens are good for you. If that doesn't work, give her to charity.

Q: trying a little too hard to be funny and OMFG SO RANDUM LOL!!111!!! PENGUIN OF DOOOOM!!!! LOL ROFL COPTER!!! CHEESE!!!!! omfglol rofl but seriously, stop trying so hard 13-Apr-11
A: Thank you for the interest you have shown in my mint green ford focus (which is Penguin of doom friendly) I like text speak too, I once got a text from a wrong number which read "Hi, we still on for lunch? Alan" and I replied "Sure, you you bring the baby oil" Since I never turned up for the lunch I have no idea if Alan took any baby oil with him or not - I hate not knowing, dont you? Thank you for your kind words, I will stop trying so hard. Michael and I wish you and your Pengiun of Doom all the best for 2013

Q: Hi Pistolfeet, you deserve to double the reserve for the writing along - I cried several times, which a week and half away from getting married, made a nice change in reasons to be crying (just kidding, love you baby xx) thank you! So to business.. I love your minty number and the potential for mayhem and roadside antics it possesses.. However, I am now living in a country where they drive (very insanely) on the wrong side of the (very insanely surfaced) road; Bulgaria to be specific. Not to be put off I note that you seem pretty skilled in areas of design, gaffer tape, dolphin training, brown sauce placement, and sausage rolls, so could I ask if you'd consider ripping the steering column / rack et al out and moving it a bit over to the left? Hope you'll agree this is a better option than traveling back in time to the point when some prat in europe decided they wanted to do 'it' differently and killing them, though am open to other options.. How does that sound? 13-Apr-11
A: Your kind words regarding my special and not much loved green focus are a deep warmth to me and my cheetah Michael. Michael says he has been to Bulgaria and they make lovely sandwiches, I personally have not been to Bulgaria but that is to do with my fear of places beginning with the letter "B". A quick glance at the process for exporting a vehicle to Bulgaria left me wondering if I had gotten all incontinent in my privates pouch - I hadn't, it was just a little sweat that had rolled down there most likely caused by the fear of Bulgaria. Michael and I agree that on this occasion we won't be able to assist you. I am sorry to hear about the roads there, I recommend self levelling jelly to resolve the issue, Michael says Jelly and custard but he would because he is a greedy cheetah.

Q: hi i like your car, but too be honest with you i am more interested in your pictures so i can have them supersized and have them on my side of house as a bill board thanx 13-Apr-11
A: I will speak to the intergalactic rule lined paper art commission on your behalf. I can have the document rights in your name by tomorrow but the financial grant board wont dish out the funds for house fitting until you prove beavers cant spell Pokemon.

Q: With all due respect for the greatness of your mint green Ford Focus, but it's not the car I want to buy... it's you. May we begin a discussion on this? 13-Apr-11
A: Thank you for not being interested in my mint green ford focus, I regret to inform you that I personally do not come with ABS as standard, a heated front windscreen, a conference area or a CD player. My bodywork is far superior to that of the ford focus being relatively unblemished, has no rust or bad paint jobs but I also have no air bags. I feel you would be disappointed. I once went on a date with a girl and fell down a hill when the swing rope snapped, I was only 11 and admit to crying. It was this life lesson that has taught me the colour of a car is not embarrassing, falling down a hill is embarrassing

Q: This hasn't been covered in the auction, but the photographs also include trees, shrubs, houses, the ground, the sky and at one point, your knee. Are these all included in the auction? 13-Apr-11
A: Dear ebay friend, thank you for your question regarding my bird poo splashed but then removed mint green coloured Ford Focus from the year 2001. That was the year I attempted to shorten a shoe lace with a hand saw and removed a substantial amount of flesh from my arm. The flesh has now grown back, as will the shrubs, trees and grass if you remove then from the car park that I took the pictures in. My knee is still required for several positions I like to perform, I have no rights to the houses, ground or sky but if you have suitable transport containers I have no issue with them being removed, I suspect however that these will not grow back. I cant stop eating today, so far I have had biscuits, more buscuits, some sandwiches and then some chocolate biscuits. I have have several cups of coffee and 2 Bovrils. Do you like hot chocolate? I think its proper disgusting but my mate Will likes it, he once coffed with some in his mouth and it flew out of his nose on to his mothers new carpet. I did a little wee that day.

Q: Wot colour is it? 13-Apr-11
A: Color vision is the capacity of an organism or machine to distinguish objects based on the wavelengths (or frequencies) of the light they reflect, emit, or transmit. The nervous system derives color by comparing the responses to light from the several types of cone photoreceptors in the eye. These cone photoreceptors are sensitive to different portions of the visible spectrum. For humans, the visible spectrum ranges approximately from 380 to 740 nm, and there are normally three types of cones. The visible range and number of cone types differ between species. Mammals in general have color vision of a limited type, and are usually red-green color-blind, with only two types of cones. Humans, some primates, and some marsupials see an extended range of colors, but only by comparison with other mammals. Most non-mammalian vertebrate species see color at least as well as humans, and many species of birds, fish, reptiles and amphibians, as well as some invertebrates, have more than three cone types and probably superior color vision to humans. A 'red' apple does not emit red light.[1] Rather, it simply absorbs all the frequencies of visible light shining on it except for a group of frequencies that is perceived as red, which are reflected. An apple is perceived to be red only because the human eye can distinguish between different wavelengths. The advantage of color, which is a quality constructed by the visual brain and not a property of objects as such, is the better discrimination of surfaces allowed by this aspect of visual processing. In some dichromatic substances (e.g. pumpkin seed oil) the color hue depends not only on the spectral properties of the substance, but also on its concentration and the depth or thickness. Mint Green

Q: Hello, I don't really want a car, what I really want is a fishtank, have you got one of these to sell? 13-Apr-11
A: Your question regarding my mint green ford focus is most welcome. When I was a child I wanted to take my goldfish to the shops with me. My mum said 'no!' but I plucked it out of the fish tank with a fork and put it in my pocket all the same. I think it died but I was too young to remember, it's a story my mother reminds me of frequently when I discuss my desire to train frogs to make toast. Ford Focus's (especially mint green ones) make fantastic mobile fish tanks, for an additional cost I can provide silicone sealant and under water breathing apparatus.

Q: Hi, im wondering if you would consider selling the Flux Capacitor separately, as i have a Moss Green Focus which i intend on travelling through time in. Ive got the time circuits all in place as well as the jars of plutonium, ive even kidnapped Dr E Brown... I am debating travelling back to 5 minutes before you put this advert on. Just to see if i could persuade you to swap for my Moss Green Focus, as i love Trebor Green. As yours has partial privacy glass id love to test it out with the lass from the chippy up the hill aswell. Your reply will be much appreciated. If your not interested in my half complete Moss Green Focus i wish you all the luck in the sale of your Trebor Focus. 13-Apr-11
A: Hello, thank you for viewing my auction for a Mint Green Ford Focus. If I were to sell the Flux Capacitor separately I am afraid the cost of the masking tape used to construct it would price the device out of any ones financial reach so for this reason the FC remains attached to my mint green ford focus. Moss Green is my 4th favourite Ford Focus colour but I am sad to inform you that Moss Green Ford Focus's are not permitted to time travel under section 45b of the time travel code. You are requested to at once desist from any further time travel plans and must remove all time circuitry from the vehicle. If I still have my mint green ford focus when the girl from the chippy gets back from her holiday in Tunisia you can borrow it. Please dont drink the bovril though as its promised to the winning bidder.

Q: Do you write scripts for HSBC or Barclays television advertisements? If not, WHY not? 13-Apr-11
A: Thank you for contacting me regarding my mint green ford focus I feel obliged to inform you that it has never been used to fish for sharks. Regarding the banks, I am unable to discuss that matter whilst they still have their restraining orders in place.

Q: Your advertisement is hilarious. If I were to come and pick the car up I think you would own me with your witty banter. 12-Apr-11
A: My mate once tried to own a dolphin but it splashed water at him and he spent the next 40 mins walking around looking like had peed himself. Dolphins are very intelligent and apparently have a sick sense of humour. Thank you for your kind words, they unfortunately do not change the colour of the car. You are not entitled to a postage discount or a dolphin.