Happy Halloween!

The Halloween party was great fun! Everybody recognised His Lordship, complete with retro phone and a handful of Ugandan dollars. He pulled off some impressive impersonations, from Terry Tibbs to Mouse: "Can I has a cheeseburger? But without the burger? Or the bun?" Interestingly, His dinner works out about 86,000 Ugandan shillings - roughly £26!

Bless him, He's been so helpful - he spent two hours wearing my wig whilst I shaped and bound it, and then helped me through another four hours of makeup - foundation, powders and colours. Some of it is actually modelling paints, finished off round the edges with miniature black rhinestones! (Although I'm still catching myself trying not to touch my face - even though I took all the makeup off last night...)

It was a great night out and a good laugh with friends - Jana literally didn't know what to make of us all! One of the gang looked just like the girl from the latest Sweeny Todd movie, with her fishnets and her wee top hat - she made the full outfit herself! Drinking beer through a balaclava has an art to it apparently; it makes you look somewhat like a butterfly sipping from a flower. Or a deranged fish...

Himself and I had a lovely meal (as per usual - this is Mulberries after all) with starters of smoked salmon with new potatoes and cream sauce, and a chicken and bacon salad with balsamic reduction. He went for a 10oz rump steak with peppercorn sauce, whilst I took the coq au vin with mushrooms. Garthy's coc au vin red sauce tastes fanTAStic with onion rings.

Bex: "Rumour has it that in 2 years time Youtube, Twitter & Facebook will all join 2 make 1 huge social networking site... it will be called Youtwitface"

Dragon Soap!

Soap trial, test day one, assistant: Kyle.

Phase one - introduction.

Enter soap. Green with yellow highlights. Smells extraordinary, a delicate combination of plasticine and licorice at first sniff. Picture taken shortly after her first lick, considering the flavour. My personal initial lick is that it's quite salty. Himself and I had a nibble off a corner each (as promised) and have deduced it's quite like a salty margarine. He's never tried soap before, and has classed it as definitely quite salty. Not a surprise there, as soap is technically a salt. You've got the olive oil, a fatty acid, and lye, a powerful alkalide. Chemistry says combine the two, you get a salt.

Phase two - trial.

Scrub down.

One wet dragon plus soap equals one very foamy dragon! A nice, fine lather, no extravagant bubbles, but a very pleasing cleansing effect. My secondary lick decides that it would probably be alright on toast with a savoury topping, not that I recommend anyone try it. The slightly bitter yucca flavour is quite dominant. Interestingly, yucca extract is often added to dragon food as it helps reduce the smell of the waste! Not the most flattering angle for Kyle there, but you can see a fine layer of foam across her scales.

Kyle enjoying her scrub, not a trace of grey in her usually grumpy features - in fact, a happy orange glow is just deducable in her soapy beard. She has a lick of the foam at this point and declares it bubbly on the tongue. Another lick confirms. A fine lather, but doing a grand job of cleaning the muck off her - the stains on her tail lifted admirably due to the lemon and yucca combination. Antibacterial properties and not only smelling nice, but also reduces smells!

Phase three - rinseoff.

Cleaning away the foam.

Looking much cleaner as we start to rinse her off. I noticed at this point that it'd been about 15 minutes and I still hadn't got prune fingers. Her scales are also surprisingly shiny - this soap's got some pretty good moisturising leet skills! I've never seen her ACTUALLY glitter! That's really added some extra sparkle to her glossy surface and she feels lovely and conditioned.

Phase four - cleandown.
Shiny and polished!

One very clean, surprisingly happy dragon. Kyle's not known for her smiles unless she's either eating or shoved in a jumper. The blend of fruits and herbs I've used has produced a good cleaning effect, and a rather good dragonstank neutraliser, rendering her normally yicky wet dragon smell (akin to wet dog with coffee thrown on it) to dragony but sweet smelling.

Some hours later, she's still smelling pretty decent, her scales are still very smooth and I'm rather impressed!

A Comment On Consumerism

Regarding the last blog - I bought the bag. Materialism is a rife disease, and I proved not to be as resilient as I had hoped. Talking of which, I've noticed the game "Brutal Legend" looks just like World of Warcraft crossed with Guitar Hero. Hmm. Appealing to a wide range of pasty men. I suppose £40 is fairly cheap for protecting your son's virginity for the next few months.

On the subject of games, I have long been a fan of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, AKA "Zero Punctuation" for his rather funny, sometimes a bit rude and certainly unique reviewing style. Snip from escapistmagazine.com : "Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com." NSFW, due to occasional outbursts of fully justifed expletives. However - this particular one "Wolvenstein", is most extraordinary...

It turns out driving through a puddle to splash bystanders is an offence of "careless, and inconsiderate, driving" under the Road Traffic Act section 3 and carries a fine of up to £2,500. Thankfully, nothing to do with me, but a driver who admitted soaking a workman by driving through a puddle was fined £150 and given three penalty points by magistrates in Yeovil. - from Skynews

Bumends, Bagels, and Burritos.

Some very strange things happen around me - some plain odd, some gross, and some just... WHY?

On my way out of Tesco this afternoon, I noticed a bloke picking fagends. Not just off the street either, which is bad enough, but out of an overflowing dustbin. Normally I'd feel sorry for him, but this bloke just did a pile of shopping, two tills down from me. If you've got enough money for crisps and crap, why not avoid getting contagious diseases to go with your cancer? Ugh.

Discussing dinners with Shroom earlier, he had this to say to the readers: "Well, like a man once told me: Hot dog. Bagel. Put em together and now they have a purpose. It's rather weird, seeing a man put a hot dog slowly in a bagel, then just set it on the table and tap it. Don't think I'll ever do that in front of a mirror again. Tastes delicious though." - gives me a wonderful vision somewhat akin to a punchbag session, but with a hotdog... (Pic: Oddee.com)

A friend of mine has discovered he has a rather bizarre condition, meaning he can't read anything in yellow... "It turns out I'm not stupid, I just have screwy eyes!" He describes the effect of yellow writing as - it makes his brain somewhat like a dodgy PC, it forces too much into his head at once and his processor can't handle it.

I was shocked when I heard one of the girls at work had recently been given a bag worth over £900 by her boyfriend. I don't think I could ever buy a bag that costs almost a grand - I could never justify it when there are too many other practical things I could be buying. Being as I'm still pondering buying a bag, and have been trying to justify it for some time - at the grand price of £3.99.

Mum sent me a quick email that made me laugh: "I was walking down the village with Deif, when this girl walks up to me and says: 'That's one of them 'Chimichanga' dogs, isn't it?' Me - 'No, he's a chihuahua.' Her - 'You're WRONG!' Me -'Ooooookaaaay......excuse me, I have to go home and feed my burrito.' ... " (Pic: I-am-bored.com

Bearing in mind I don't smoke, very rarely drink, and have yet to have my long awaited hash brownie (still haven't got round to going to Amsterdam) and don't condone the use of illegal substances - I have learned some rather practical tips over the last few years, from how to prepare your herbs for better cookies (use best butter and lightly fry) to producing a proper green brick (bread tins work best). Also, here's a handy bit of advice for anyone that does it - soaking your mushrooms in honey for a week and consuming the honey instead allows for less risk of a bad trip I'm told. Plus it would preserve the mushrooms I guess.

Still, I prefer being in full control of my systems - that's why I don't like getting drunk. I don't see the fun in spending so much money, just to wake up with my head in a toilet and have no idea of where all my money went. I just believe in learning - it's fascinating what you can find out!

Here's a thought for you: Why don't lizards yawn when you yawn at them? I noticed they like a good yawn - heck, Kyle's set ME off a few times, and it works with dogs if you yawn at them...

Failed Florentines and Better Bathrooms

I have got much more done in the last couple of days. Having left the downstairs bathroom for a considerable number of weeks, I realised yesterday men are not disturbed by thick layers of filth in their living areas. Confronted by the considerable mess, I pondered what to do about it.

In the end, I removed all items not fixed down - pulled the door almost to, and sprayed most of the contents of a large can of cleaning foam into the room. Walk away for ten minutes, laugh at the male that wandered in and subsequently fled choking. I spent a considerable time then cleaning it - but now it's white, as opposed to brown and grey.

I had a go at making Florentines L'Orange today. Lots of almonds, a drop or two of citrus oils and vanilla, some dried citrus peels, dark orange Bournville and some possibly-not-going-to-set sugar mix . Yes, I got my sugar mix slightly wrong, and now I have a brilliant liquidy caramel! I wanted a more Rolo texture, but I got "Big Purple One" instead by accident. Still tastes good though. My florentines did NOT look anything like the picture, but the recipe on freerecipes.org is probably more practical than mine.

We've picked up the train tickets for going up North in December, and I'm fully stuck in to proper Christmas shopping. I'm only buying for close family, because I only have limited space in the suitcase, and we do have to carry everything after all!

There was a nice little plant going for 75p in Tesco - one of those pretty orange/red bromeliads. It's now tucked happily in the back of Terry's tank, adding a splash of much needed, vibrant colour.

Apples and Pears (and Bananas?)

What a truly pleasant week off. I've had my grandparents visit, we've been out some nice places, had some great meals and done absolutely nothing I intended to do this week! (Literal pic of the week: www.I-am-bored.com)

We went Mulberry's for dinner and had a row with Grumps about who'd pay. He's really firm when he puts his foot down - he was NOT going to let me pay! I rave about Mulberry's a lot, but Garth does some wicked-good foods. Grumps, being an avid ginger muncher and warned about it, was still quite surprised at the ferocity of the ginger icecream! Good stuff!

We watched two seperate carnivals in one day, I bought a wonderful bit of Kyanite and shared a toasty bag of chips with His Lordship late at night on the way home - perfection.

My favourite day had to be that "Apple Day" in Sturminster Newton. After promptly ignoring the SatNav, it took us nearly an additional 25 minutes to get to where we were going, and then discovered that this highly acclaimed apple day was little more than 10 trees, an apple press and a couple of stalls. And the apple cake had already sold out! But nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoyed it. That's what these days out are all about - and I picked up some delicious pear cider.

High point of the day? Nan: "Ooh, what have they got on that table over there?" Me, blinking: "A dirty nappy Nan. That man's changing his baby. Ask nicely and he'll probably give you a good deal on it though."

Baskets for Beardies and Peaches for Geckos...

I have bought a nice wicker basket with a butterfly-style lid on eBay. I figured Tsam was getting a bit big to wrap in his towel and drop in my canvas bag, so this new basket will be far roomier for the pair of them, and better protection from being squished. I can still store my stuff with them, as well as a hot water bottle and a heatmat! Must remember to collect it though - it's in a little village! Progresser75 sells some really funk-tional willow and wicker stuff.

Terry is 8.4g and growing fast. It seems the little lizard has taken to sleeping on the floor wrapped in a favourite leaf - but after some browsing this is actually quite normal for a small percentage of crested geckos.

I've had a fabulous weekend for orange chocolate. Bendicks are doing their bittersweet orange tablets in tubes again, I found a bottle of orange essence to add to my normal (but free!) hot chocolate, Bournville had an offer on their version with real orange pieces AND Terry's have brought out yet another flavour: chocolate orange with popping candy!

(Try singing the title to "Raindrops on roses"... I'm still trying to think of some ideas for the next line, so do submit your entries!)

Mmmmmmould

We were trying to find out exactly what kind of mould was growing in our kitchen. George had left another of his unique rice pans lying in an undiscovered spot, and it had gone almost.... pretty. George has a talent for creating a thick, gluelike layer of starch in his rice pans and, as you can see, the different moulds love it. We've got pink jelly beans, fluffy green hillocks and a delicate yellow slime. We figured out that the pink is most likely Serratia marcescens, and I think we've got some Fusarium families (green) and quite possibly a rather pleasant case of Aspergillus Flavus (yellow). A.Flavus comes with a nasty toxin that can cause hepatitis, brain necrosis and cancers! Hurray! On the other hand, had we kept it and avoided all the nasty toxins, a nice side effect of mouldy rice is... Sake! Sadly though, you need koji mould, which doesn't appear to be present in this case.

I happened to stumble across a rather amusing website when trying to find out what sort of moulds they were that George had left growing in his rice pan. Here's some extracts for you, and the full link:

http://www.ucc.asn.au/~alastair/biohazard/

"6-Apr-2000: Isn't it funny how milk doesn't smell much different when it first goes off, but when you try to pour it onto your cereal it's more like cheese with salad dressing?.... 9-Jun-2000: I have discovered that stale & mouldy rye bread bounces well. 11-Jun-2000: The rye bread doesn't bounce too good any more. So I threw it out."

"Confidence Boosters" - the in-depth review.

Milling around on the internets, which I occasionally do, I found this on MSN from Match.com - Confidence Boosters by Nina Malkin. So here's the full article, complete with our interview-style "His'N'Hers" input.

What’s the secret to a truly successful date?
The assurance that you’re an amazing person who knows how to have a great time. Adopt that attitude and you will have fun. OK, while science has yet to develop confidence in tablet form, there are plenty of things you can do to pump yourself up, trounce pre-date anxiety and be the attractive, witty, wonderful woman you are. We’ve got the tips—from makeup tricks to mantras—that’ll get you there. (pic: nutfactory.com)

The true secret to a successful date is to find someone you actually LIKE and start a conversation - remembering to let THEM join in too. Straight talking is a good thing - I don't think I can cope with a giggle and twee girly girl, or stuck up. Just be normal. Humility is good, in terms of being able to realise your own flaws, so that if someone else sees them, you're not bothered by it - make it a part of your plus points - nobody is perfect!

Create a lovability inventory.

“Make a list of what makes you instantly attractive—things like your great smile, sexy legs, fabulous hair, etc.,” says dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of MANifesting Mr. Right: It’s Never Too Late to Find the Love You Want. “Then list why you’re a great catch—qualities like sunny disposition, good listener, quick-witted.” Read these reminders daily and give ‘them a scan before your meet your date. Most of all, remember that they’re so true!

It's always nice to remember what you like about yourself, yes - but if your high point is your elbow, you're just a little bit stuck. I'm sorry girls, all blokes notice of is boobs, bums and legs - and that's if you're lucky. By all means go for an ego boost, but don't get carried away and list them all to HIM. There's nothing wrong with a bit of self-flattery, but don't be a stuck-up b*tch. Those that think they're "all-that" with the snotty, snide attitude, I don't have the time of day for. Anyone whom is going to be like that in any social setting isn't likely to pay me any attention - or worse, be very NEEDY. "Sharon sez I should get my hair done for anuvver freehunnerd powns..."

Get fresh.

It may seem obvious, but cleanliness is key to success. “I bathe, brush my teeth, spray on perfume and I’m good to go,” says Adriana Williams, 36. So don’t dash straight from the office to a special date. Schedule it a little later in the day so you can go home and hit the showers. That little bit of primp time in your own zone will get you primed to feel glamorous and have a great time. (pic - BBC - gilbert from "Get Fresh")

Basic common sense - don't turned up smelly and creased from a long day at work. Also, if you're eating out, or having food before you go out, remember to avoid the usual culprits - garlic, fish and cigarettes. There's NOTHING worse than cigarette stank to a non-smoker. Would you like him to turn up smelling like old feet? Cleanliness is next to godliness, fair enough. If she turned up mingin' with her hair matted like she's been in a gorilla sh*t fight, I'd be quick to get out of there. I've um, got a plane to catch to get to Guatamala - I should have told you before, but I only just remembered!

Gain the home-court advantage.
Is there a place where everybody knows your name? Where the lighting, the seating, the menu makes you feel at home? Go there on your next date! “Nothing is nicer than having the support and approval of people who know and acknowledge you,” says Donna Spangler, author of How to Marry a Rich Man: The Princess Formula. A friendly hello from your

favourite host, waitperson or barista can boost your confidence, big-time.

Practical - but then you get the judgemental side of the people you know seeing you turn up for different dates. Also, what about the guy?! He'll be thinking: "Jeez, how many times has she brought blokes here?!" But on the other hand, if he wants to take you somewhere flash, roll with it honey! He clearly thinks you're worth spending the money on! Always check if he wants to go Dutch, but don't push it. Be wary of those that try to wiggle out of paying altogether - but if they have a tab for the Ritz... Oh nonono. No, find somewhere neutral. He's going to be thinking"Crap, who are all these people, I'm a spare wheel here!" If a friend passed by in a pub, fair enough. Otherwise it's daunting, you know everyone, and I don't - I'd be completely out of place. It's a kick in the nuts for the other guy.

Give yourself a pep talk.
“The greatest confidence booster for women in their forties is the conversation they have with themselves,” says relationship counsellor Joyce Morley-Ball, author of Seeds for the Harvest of a Lifetime. “Embrace statements like ‘There is no one like me’ and ‘I am the best thing he will ever meet’ before your next date.” Say it, believe it, and kick your self-esteem up a notch.

Whilst this tends to be good advice, you might also want to see an actual counsellor to help with your esteem issues too - if something in your past is "blocking" you, it needs to be dealt with, not avoided and placebo'ed. Plus the name of the book sounds a bit rapey - don't let him see it for god's sake! Yeaaaah, that's a bit bunny-boiler. Eekeeekeeekeek, knife in hand.

Check in with your biggest fan.
“Surround yourself with positive people who make you feel really good inside,” says dating coach Liz Kelly, author of Smart Man Hunting. “Call your best ally on the way to a date for a confidence boost.” You needn’t say you want a pre-date pick-me-up—you’ll get good vibes just hearing this person’s voice. (pic: on10.com - for the nerds!)

Why would you be friends with someone who doesn't like you? Don't get neurotic, but do make sure you've got proper friends. Could you rely on any of them if, say, you needed help sitting a nephew? Find real friends, and don't be afraid to stand up to two-faced people. Bitching doesn't make a real connection. Pre-game warm-up for blokes, if anything, it's like a blokey chat in the pub, a very informal chat. "Go you mate, get some." A very lowbrow thing, but you know, it works. I know it happens in the bathrooms, so try it properly with your friends - you lot like your details. The after game party for women is a lot bigger, for blokes it's just "Whoar mate, yes." or "Cor yeah, right on" or "Nah, don't think so." That's about it. The other guys think "You lucky b*stard." After that it's always polite to ask how your mates are doing on their current game or preferred sporting activity, 'cause by that time we've probably forgotten what we were talking about.

Treat yourself right.
Schedule that spa appointment the night or afternoon before a big date. “If you consciously include extra me-time into your schedule, you’ll feel more powerful and in control of your life,” says makeup artist Suzie Galvez, author of The Thrifty Girls Guide To Glamour: Living the Beautiful Life on Little to No Money. The only caveat? Those who tend to break out after a facial might want to opt for the massage or pedicure instead.

Oh how glamour girlie. How Sex in the City. How... expensive. I agree to treating yourself, by all means, but you can have a nice "Spa Day" at home if you set aside a few minutes and some of your favourite things. As a not-girly-girl, my pick-me-up is a nice apple hair conditioner. Men DO notice soft hair and a delicate perfume , but don't overdo it. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference if you'd been to the spa or been running errands for Jimmy Saville all day! It sort of goes back to the cleanliness thing - if you've turned up smelling nice, looking clean and sparkly, that's great. But you don't need to go spending a fortune having a mud massage up your arse or whatever.

Keep it real.
You want to sizzle, but don’t try something totally new and different, fashion- and beauty-wise. To really feel on top of your game, you’re best off looking like you. “If downtown diva is your thing, don’t show up in Laura Ashley,” says Raya Premji, co-owner of Rodeo Drive Resale in Los Angeles. One easy way to reveal your personality through fashion, she adds, is to simply wear your favourite colour.

On the other hand, don't go wearing joggy bottoms and a disintegrating old jumper. That may be what you look like most of the time, but it's not attractive. Would you want to go home with a bloke that turned up looking like that? Dress to the standard you would require of your partner. Fair comment. On a first date, I'd notice a particularly striking haircut, (thinking time) I'd notice what she was wearing in terms of dress or top, because at some point I'm going to be thinking about her boobs. If I can see cleavage, it's "Nice top." If not, it's "Nice hair." I'm not saying hooker cleavage, but enough to be interesting.

Break out the sexy underwear.
Go for silk or lace, black or red, skimpy or demure—whatever makes you feel special. “It’s not for anyone else to see– just for you!” says Ryan. “You can’t help but feel your allure amplified with nice lingerie on.” (pic: believe it or not, that's underwear - the C string. ttnet.net)

The only reason you think about sex more when you're wearing sexy underwear is because it's so damn uncomfortable that every time you move, you remember you're wearing the goddawful things. If only YOU are going to see them, that seems a bit of a waste of time. Quite frankly, if only YOU are going to see them, you might as well have the big old comfy pants on. But sure, if you've got that inkling that you might get action later that night, then go ahead and wear that skimpy number in black lace - take down your evening dress and be revealed in lovely neglige - mmmmmm.

Carry yourself—in your purse.
That snapshot from your last holiday, with you looking so happy and healthy? The picture from the awards dinner in your honour, when you heard all that applause? Keep it handy. Glancing at it will remind you of how amazing you are. And you might want to share it, if the opportunity presents itself. Giving your date a gander can spark discussion of how amazing you are. “Fun photos paint a picture of confidence that’s irresistible,” says Kelly. “Imagine you're back on that beach when describing your last vacation photo with a big smile.”

And just how're you going to explain THAT when he spots it in your purse? "Oh, that's my twin sister?" Yeah. By all means, keep a great pic on the fridge or in a frame by the door, somewhere you'll see it on the way out, but not in your purse. Put a pic of something you enjoy in your purse - I keep one of my lizards, because they make me feel good, plus I have conversation material ready if it gets noticed and don't sound completely self-centred. I'd be a bit confused. Purses are for your puppy, boyfriend, your baby sister or something, something that makes sense.

Be comfortable, be confident.
“No need to hold your breath in tight jeans; opt for something with a bit of stretch,” says Premji. Same strategy for shoes. “Your dogs will be barking in minutes if you go with too-high heels. Try leg-lengthening wedges instead or a sandal that laces at the ankle.” Finally, unless you’re totally at ease dressing like Lil’ Kim, be sexy while leaving something to the imagination. “Try peek-a-boo styles: sheer tops over a tank, slit skirts,” Premji says. And remember the rule to only wear one revealing item – for instance, if you’re wearing a short skirt, keep your top demure. Want to show off your shoulders in a pretty camisole? Then keep the skirt longer for more leg-coverage. Leaving something to the imagination is always more alluring than full disclosure on date number one.

If your trousers don't fit, you're going to feel fat. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bigger woman and I'm comfortable with it. Hell, I KNOW I look good when I make a go of it. But if you feel your waistband pinching, it's going to annoy you and make you snappy. Be PRACTICAL. Or if not practical, buy something that fits, looks and feels nice. Take a real friend shopping for feedback and advice - or if you're alone and like something, ask a complete stranger how it looks! Strangers are more likely to be polite too! I'd feel VEEERY awkward if I had too small pants on for a date. I have the luxury of boxers. If I have a belt that suddenly pulls in the evening, I can politely excuse myself from the table and go and release a few notches!

Get your story straight.
“Everyone has at least one great story from her real-life experience,” says relationship expert Wendy Allen, Ph.D., author of How to Survive the Crisis of an Affair. “Telling it—and telling it well—lets you express yourself in a poised, self-assured way.” Figure out what your story is, and practice telling it in the privacy of your own home. Self-deprecating stories can work well; just steer clear of anything too heavy. Lead in by saying, “Want to hear a great story?” and when you have his attention, begin. Make sure your tale has a beginning, middle and end, and don’t ramble. Bonus tip: If you know a funny (not dirty—at least not yet!) joke and can deliver it like Leno, go for it.

Be prepared to listen to him. Men like talking about themselves, so ask them stuff about themselves. Try doing some basic background work before you meet up - ask some people what kind of things he likes, hobbies etc. No. I wouldn't want to sit through story-time. Unless it's like the most godlike of stories, really, quite frankly no. Interactivity is what a date should be about, not "is everyone siting comfortably?" Anecdotes are fine, short and concise, but not the "Sharon and I went to the zoo, got an icecream, she did but I didn't, saw some monkeys and..." I'd be switched off and all like... empty dial tone ooooooooooo.

Wear a conversation piece.
You’ll feel special sporting something you love, says Premji. Plus, even a fashion-challenged man will notice a unique treasure—like a family heirloom or that exotic necklace you found during your travels.

Yes, because he's going to notice, let alone mention, your pretty necklace. Excuse the raised eyebrow, but I have yet to meet a bloke that comments on jewellery unless I've asked him first. We really don't know. We're just not tuned that way. Intricate things we don't tend to notice, unless you've got, I don't know, two PSPs as earrings. Then I'd notice.

Clinch eye contact.
Want your date to gaze into the windows of your soul? Place a dot of a gold or light-reflecting eye shadow on the centre of your eyelid, then blend softly. “Humans beings are

naturally attracted to light,” says Galvez. “When you blink, your date will notice and be drawn to the light area but won’t know why.” (pic: Helix Nebula (NGC 7293) - Nasa)

What, are men moths now? Why didn't anyone tell me? Why isn't your man paying attention to you in the first place? Heck, you could just get some nice false eyelashes with the rhinestones on - that'll work. Or carry a lazer light. That'd do the trick and provide some "light entertainment"!

Lip it good.
The right lip colour is an instant lift. Red is a classic choice for women forty-plus, says Galvez. It makes teeth look whiter, which helps encourage you to smile, which exudes confidence. Another option? “Slightly frosty, non-Eighties pink works for me!” says Jenny Sucov, 38. “It flatters every complexion and makes you look tanned.”

Bright red also shows off your facial hair like a beacon, so you look like somebodies granddad with a 'tasche like that. "Lip it good" by going to a tester counter and getting one of the girls to do your colours properly - that way you'll know what really suits you, rather than some generic advice. The whole lipstick thing - some shades can help form a face, but some can make her look a lot like a rubber doll. Find the right lipstick.

See your success.
“Visualise success on your date—this process forces your mind to create a plan of action,” says life coach Eric J. Aronson, founder of DASH Systems, LLC. “Imagine yourself enjoying yourself on the date; picture yourself as beautiful, sexy, fun and outgoing in the perfect atmosphere.”

Wow, did you remember your plan of action and your battle fatigues? Chill OUT. You're here for a nice time, not to trap your male, fertilise your eggs and eat him. Quite! Haha... It's about having a good time and seeing if you get on, not a military operation.

Wear blinders.
Nothing blows confidence like thinking every other woman in the joint is a supermodel. “Stand tall, and don't compare your physical appearance to others,” says Aronson. Stay focused on your date and learning about him.

Darling, he's going out with you, not that silly bint in the corner. Go out to enjoy yourself, not to be Kate Moss. Kate Moss looks like a matchstick figure anyway. As to standing tall, I'm tall and that doesn't make the blindest bit of difference. However, holding your shoulders back and walking straight DOES help. Practise your posture, try the books on your head trick. You don't want to look all slumped and office-y in the evening. Who cares about them? Stop worrying about the people. If he's so sh*t that he'll wander off and chat up the barmaid on your date... Clearly he's not worth it. What ARE you women thinking?!

Get physical.
Try to fit in a pre-date workout—you know how great kicking butt in tae-bo makes you feel! “A bit of physical exercise before a date increases blood flow and hormone levels to psych you up,” says Aronson.

Just don't forget to, you know, have a shower. This is one of the few points I'll actually agree with. It has been proven that exercise is beneficial when you're feeling low - I don't mean sign up to a gym straight away, even something as simple as a brisk walk will make a big difference to your day. Obsessing over your weight and what you eat is a huge turnoff. Exercise is good. Keeps you healthy and reasonably trim - the whole "I haven't moved in ten years look" doesn't do it for everyone. Toned is nice, but bear in mind not all blokes like scary muscular - be healthy and don't worry about the rest. Malnutrition is not a big turnon either, a healthy appetite by all means, but know your limits.

Keep things in perspective.
Unless you’re going to the Oscars or a coronation, a date is still just a date. “I have a calming ritual to clear my head of expectations,” says Robin Glenn, 48. “I tell myself, ‘This is not a big deal’ and ‘Don’t try t0o hard.’ I always have a better time when I don’t expect it to be mind-

blowing.”

About time. Obviously, stick to some standards, and try not to drink too much. I know people think it's a confidence booster, but it also lowers your inhibitions and makes you liable to do something completely stupid. There are a few stages of drunk - sober/drunk: you laugh at not so funny stuff, but that's not a bad thing, blokes tend to have crap jokes. There's giggly drunk: where everything's funny. Stop here, this is the best bit. Don't knock em back like there's no tomorrow. Because there IS a tomorrow and you're going to have a baaaad head when it arrives. If you don't stop, you progress to the paranoia drunk: not good. The slurring, hiccupping drunk: not good at all. Which is followed by the staggering possibly vomiting drunk and the last stage of drunk which is falling unconscious in a puddle of your own vomit. Mm, what a great night out THAT was.

Revel in your sensuality.
“Walk into a date with a big grin because you are a hot commodity in your sexual prime,” says Kelly suggests. “At this age, you know who you are and what you want, which is a huge turn-on.” So work it to your advantage!

This last tip works with guys that have massive egos. Pandering to these humongous egos later on is no fun. Be prepared to seperate dream and reality. Quite honestly, we blokes are a bit crap. Be realistic - if he's chisel jawed, craploads of money and perfect job and house, he's probably going to want the most bimbotic girl going, and he'll most likely love himself more than you.

Hey You, Fancy Plants!

Most people know I enjoy growing plants, although I seem to have little skill for it. However, I have found another plant I would dearly love to attempt growing - and should be fairly me-proof. All it needs is a pot to grow in, sunshine on a windowsill and watering when the soil is dry.

Introducing: Codariocalyx motorius. The Semaphore Plant.

"This plant is famous for its movement of small lateral leaflets at speeds rapid enough to be perceivable with the naked eye. This is a strategy to maximise sunlight by tracking the sun. Each leaf is equipped with a hinge that permits it to be moved in order to receive more sunlight, but the weight of these leaves means the plant must expend a lot of energy in moving it. To optimise movement of large leaves, each large leaf has two small leaflets at its base. These move constantly along an elliptical path, sampling the intensity of sunlight, and directing the large leaf to the area of most intensity." From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codariocalyx_motorius

Butternut and Bobotie

Terry update: 8.2 today and getting MUCH springier. If that little hopper bounces any higher, I'll be peeling those toes off my nose!

We had our second African Night at Mulberrys, another delight of unusual foods. For starters, we enjoyed a carrot and pineapple jelly, and butternut and sweet potato soup.

Now, I've had butternut soup before, just once, and I vividly remember although the cook was supposed to be the box deluxe - I will have to be honest and say that it was like lumpy warm sick in not just texture, but in colour and flavour too. Garth's butternut though - that's the reason I try things twice. Oh what a rapture of sunshine yellow! I went back this evening to buy some cold - we've enjoyed it for tea with some fresh bread.

Bobotie is another delicious dish served to us, although many choices were on the menu, we found the name captivating and far less embarrassing sounding than "Chakalaka". That made me cringe, the Eddie Muphy-esque sound, although I know it to be a vegetable stirfry. Anyway. Bobotie is a spiced meat dish - fruity with curry essences, a layer of egg on the top and served with spiced rice.

Pudding was an interesting infusion for both of us, His Lordship taking on ginger icecream with pumpkin pie and mine a "Peppermint Crisp". He says "I've never had an icecream so hot!" and I will agree with him, a bold, clean flavour. The peppermint crisp was surprisingly delicate in flavour, pleasingly so, although I still can't quite define the textures. I had been expecting something akin to a cheesecake, but this was entirely different. It wasn't quite a cream and not as stiff as, say, Angel Delight, but it had yummy crunchy biscuits in and sponge chunks. Not sure about the sponge (but I am not a sponge lover) but the cream and biscuit combination was a sure thing for me!

Ryvita and Roaches

I have decided to get back in touch with my "Bad Girl". It's no fun being stressed and working too hard. Time to put your foot down ladies - especially if it's wearing a nice slinky stiletto! After weeks of prodding people, I got annoyed and sent an email to one of our in house dragons. She's got a ferocious reputation, but my god, does she get the job done! I aspire to put the fear into people the same way she's done. There's a shakeup starting AND my extra hours are being paid - not just excess hours pay (normal rate) but overtime pay (double rate) - so I can't exactly complain!

I have also decided to lose weight. I tried houmous and Ryvita - and it's actually quite tasty as a lunch thing. Nuthin' compared to my kickass curry. Sweet and light highs, fruity melodies, with a Scotch Bonnet synthkick and caramelised onion and pepper bassline.

Kyle's happy because she pigged so hard on roaches she hocked up a live one again. She's got good at it now, she catches and eats it before it gets away from her, thank goodness. Tsam is sulking because I've taken out his ratty old leaves and haven't replaced them. Terry is growing fast, 7.4g at last feeding. I'm attempting to get him to fend for himself, but it's going slowly...

Beetles and Butterworms

Cleaned all the aquatics tanks and noticed to my dismay that the miniature strawberry plants didn't survive the transition from cold outside to warm inside. Never mind.

The beetles have been transferred to their winter habitation as the temperature is dropping rapidly in the shed, and a nice big box of butterworms arrived today. These bizarre insects have a very distinct smell - almost pleasantly sweet, with an odd fruity smell. If anyone's stuck as to what to get me for Christmas, I would love some more! www.butterworms.co.uk The dragons absolutely LOVE these juicy fat worms.

Chicken in pepper sauce with mushrooms, baked mushrooms, veg and spicy wedges for dinner - yummy!

Solved an argument about how to become a great carving craftsperson. "Remove any parts that do not look like the object you are looking for. For instance, if it does not look like a tiger and you want to make a tiger, simply remove all the bits that do not look like the tiger."

I had to laugh at "Most Shocking Fights & Wild Riots 4" - one of their starting features was a "riot" in New Zealand. A man's hat was knocked off.

Appropriate Anagrams

I've been playing with an Anagramater and found some lovely perfect 'grams.

Kuleana Graeme Squishee (Her middle name is a promise to a friend of mine, that one of my animals would have the name!): "As I am keen, huge squealer..."

Tsam Wilhelm Eatdaleaf (Tsam's middle name is a reference to his breeding - he is of course, a German Giant): "Ahem, well-made fatalist!"

Eden Cali Kingsnake - "Dance, like sneaking." Particularly appropriate for such a large snake; she hides very well and moves like water.

Those that know me - check this out for downright creepy. Go to http://www.deanjackson.dj/nameanagram, type my FULL name in and search. His Lordship was most amused.

Dragonflies and Disguises

I stunned His Lordship today; we went for a walk in the lovely sunshine with the dragons and I spotted a red dragonfly flitting around. As he watched, I spoke to the insect and called for it to land on my outstretched palm. It lit gently down, turned a circle and contentedly spread its wings in the sun. "Cor blimey," says he, "well, would you look at that!" You only have to ask them nicely if you want to summon dragonflies.

I would like people to make me a promise - I was thinking about it on the way home from work on my little motorbike. I saw a flatbed truck with some weebly portaloos, green ones this time, I see a lot of blue ones too, and I thought to myself: "If I ever get killed by something embarrassing, like being crushed by a portaloo, then please would someone twist the truth a little? Make it, make it a truck full of money or gold bars, or something cool at the very least." I don't want to be remembered like poor Luther Burbank - his last words were "I don't feel good." (Worldofquotes.com)

I'm also planning this year's Halloween costume - we're looking a bit Final Fantasy, photographed in Black and White... Could be tricky, but I have a gorgeous wig being shipped over from China already. I'm thinking to wraptie the a few inches at the back, about halfway down, loosely with a wide black silk bow. Should go nicely with my black PVC ballgown.

Derren Brown next week - attempting to literally glue you to your seat. Friday 9pm, Channel 4.

AWESOME!

Today has been an awesome day. I had one hundred trillion dollars land on my doorstep. Which is freakin' awesome! Thankfully it's Zimbabwean (pre-decimalisation), so we didn't kill the postman lugging all those sacks down the street; practically worthless but I thought it sounded pretty damn cool. Let's face it - when was the last time any of YOU could say you owned one hundred trillion dollars? I can't even remember how many zeros that's supposed to have.

I have watched a special Derren Brown skit where he attempts to guess LIVE the lottery numbers of today. Awesomely, he got all 6 right! I look forwards to seeing how he did that, Friday at 9pm on 4. (pic: Tvscoop.tv)

More awesomeness today:
I found my dragon shirt.

I found my GameBoy adapter.

I found my MP3 player and good headphones.

AND I found my passport.

Which is AWESOME!

I wanted to find my MP3 player and suddenly had a flash of yellow. I searched high and low, discovering why I couldn't find everything - someone had moved it! My yellow bag with all these things I wanted (including the passport, which I've been looking for, for over a year) turned up tucked behind some chairs, behind someone's storage box, behind a bag in the bottom of the pine shelving.

Lovely Lizards...

Kyle has been in a terrifically good mood all weekend, she's had plenty of basking time and all her favourite dinners. Tsam has submitted to her when she's on the windowsill which has been a huge ego boost for her - not that it makes her boss, but it makes her feel Top Lizard for a while; she's quite happy to submit to him the rest of the time. He might be the Big Cheese but he still can't resist duvet snuggles. Note: however big a lizard is, if you treat him or her like when they were small, they will LOVE it. The fact he submits when she's higher is interesting, he's not really fussed about being Boss, he just does it because it's his job and Kyle can't be bothered to knock him into line. He is big after all.

Terry is growing at a lightning rate now - 5.9g on Thursday, 6.1g on Saturday, 6.6g Wednesday and maintaining those lovely markings and colour patterns. Still not sure of Terry's sex, but I've never been worried by that - I've got it wrong for most of them in the first few months anyway!

Progress with Snek is slow, she's more Sneak than Snake - but we'll get there. I have respect for her and a distinct lack of trust - she knows that and appreciates it thankfully. I upped her mouse size and she's getting used to being stroked with the toughglove again. I've used the glove often in the past when she's gotten a little crazy, it discourages her from biting - not that I think she will, it's just a precaution. She can be snippy when grumpy.

Our new bottle of olive oil exploded too. We're still not sure what happened, but George heard a smash and was puzzled when there wasn't anyone in the kitchen. Until he got hit by a tidal wave of finest virgin oil. It was a brand new, unopened bottle which has mysteriously blown out at a bottom corner, causing the side and top to drop into the middle. Most odd. But it's done a lovely job of waterproofing my cork mats on the side...

Plum Jam and Wine

Going home to the north was deeply pleasant. I'll be exhausted for the rest of the week, but I'm glad I did it sooner than later. Amazing how I took lots of books, with the intention of reducing my stockpile, and ended up coming home with even MORE of the darned things! It's a good job I love reading.

I also have a pot of Grumps Cats best golden scrumpy plum jam (plums stolen from the local park, gives them extra flavour!), two bottles of Echo Falls Rose, a large stack of old Reader's Digest magazines, a box of coffee fudge (I'll give that to Himself, he likes coffee and fudge...) and two tubs of Vitalite. I know, it's an odd thing to receive as a gift, but I love the stuff and it's quite hard to get down south. (Pixdaus: Connie "Cluster of Plums")

Proper spoiling has gone on this weekend; two chicken dinners, cheese toasties with coleslaw, cheesecake and not one, but two portions of strawberries and cream.

Mum's Hua behaved himself this week too - rolling a submission he was spoilt silly with about an hours worth of headscratchies. Dogs do make you very warm though. You don't get that with lizards. I was glad to see everyone, and even more relieved that they were glad to see me too!

The sun is beginning to set - no dramatic skies this evening, just a sulky, dove blue cloud layer, a flash of metallic colour, coppery orange, puncturing a hole in its rubbery side; looking for all the world like a new two pence peice glinting through grey washing up water. Higher up there's a frosted fern tracery of cloud, but in honesty, it's nothing worth writing home about.

"The World I love, the trains I hop, to be part of..." - Chilis. "The birds that blow the meaning into Beebop."

Jaded Journeyer

My Nan made me laugh: She said I ought to get the earlier train, because I don't really want to be doing the Tube in the dark. It occured to me a short while later that, hang on, the Underground is, well... underground. It's going to be dark anyway! (Flikr "Tiedye" - The colours I see in the dark.)

So here I am, on the train home to Somerset, having a laugh at scaring the conductor silly. I got a headsup that my train would be coming in on Platform 7, so I swiped my ticket through a codebarrier and hopped on down. The train pulled in, the people got off, and I got on.

Interesting fact for you - if a train is going to be waiting at station for a few minutes, the cleaner will lock the doors when he or she gets off. And thus the conductor found me comfortably ensconsed in my forward facing, sunside, airconditioning ported with good view of all services table seat LONG before anyone was even allowed on!

People are finding the remaining Ninja'd BookCrossings, a young blonde girl has picked up the Bergdorf Blondes - sadly I can't see the other hidden books from here. From the noises, it sounds like people have discovered them. Hurrah! I'll take a trip along the carriage and see where they've wound up when we set off; I'm not risking my cushy position!

It always tickles me that folks are determined to get their "reserved seats" - even if the train is already full. Poor saps haven't learned like the wiser, jaded riders like myself - there's no such thing as "reserved". It's purely first come first served, very few travellers will actually give seats back to the ticketholders. (Pixdaus: HWMcDaniel "The Green Jade Vine")

Train drivers don't get stuck on last trains - the trains either return to terminal or bank close by - our particular driver will be doing the last train on this line and lives just a few miles from his final destination.

The other books have vanished and a lady is curled up with "The Other Woman" against her partner - lucky him!

New Wanderings and NumberWang!

The early morning fog was a delicate, wispy veil at dawn; tinted a juicy, fresh shade of apricot against the bruised plum purple clouds and kingfisher blue skies. Glorious!

So far the BookCrossing mission is going great guns! The trip in distributed a total of 11 books, my favourite being a ninja delivery to the sleeping guy a row ahead of me - he woke up to find a book propped up against him and wandered happily off with it.

Three more went to some people on the Flying Scotsman - one lady looked bored, so I gave her it, another lady wondered what BookCrossing was about, and her husband on the row behind stuck his head over. "Tom Clancy?" says I. "You've got me perfect!" says he, so he now has a copy to enjoy and pass on.

Various others were deposited on busy station benches - a Steven King outside of Body Shop in Waterloo, Alchemist's Cat at the waiting point at King's Cross and Stupid Cupid on a tubetrain seat - as I got off, the fellow opposite picked it up and started reading. Success!

I have always liked That Mitchell and Webb Look, and they're releasing a book soon - This Mitchell and Webb Book.

Thanks to that, I found a nifty little link to their website (see below) where you can play their famous game NumberWang for yourself! Very difficult, see if you can get further than I did.

Statutory Health Warning: This game is designed to, and will, drive you insane. Good luck! (Sometimes letters help.)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/thatmitchellandwebbsite/numberwang/round1.shtml

Engrish

Ha - I was saying to my cousin about "Engrish" foods earlier. I found some wonderful ones on EngrishFunny. Great restaurant offerings: "Squid to be monolithic", "Prawns to the pill pill", "Squid mustache" "Popsicle roasts the intestings" "Chicken with herpes" "Vegetarian in oil" "Starfish usually cooked in a soup with crude drugs" "You inhabit a child's overall with ham" and my personal favourite: "F*ck a bullfrog"

Today's Quote: "You couldn't be any more thoughtless. Oh, wait no... That's not right. Selfless, that's the one." - Himself. "mnnnngggggh"

Continued: "If your family remembers me for my red hot pea-ness, then it must be good!" Long story.

Picnics and Plants

We had a lovely picnic today, as I made an effort to make this washout season feel a bit more like summer. We had scotch eggs, crisps, fresh fruit, baked ham, applewood smoked cheese and fruit chutney sammiches and a truly summer desert - gooseberry fool. Asda's own is surprisingly nice, a rich mouthfeel that vanishes, somewhat akin to candyfloss.

The gecko will be pleased - I nabbed a patch of moss growing near the building at work yesterday and planted it in the strawberry corner of the tank. Already, from a pale yellowy colour, it has gone a deep glittering green and will look lovely when it matures in and starts growing. Gecko is an impressive 5.4g now. [Edit: 24/08/09 - 5.6g!]

We suddenly realised Snake hadn't been fed today, so I said I'd feed her in the morning. His Lordship asked if that wouldn't take her off guard. I responded "It'll keep her on her toes." And then realised what I'd said. Hang on - snakes don't have feet. (Epic Fail - Awwww: rettungsdroge.com)

I've been eating garlic cream cheese. With a spoon. Yummy.

Stop - Book Crossing!

Today we used my award vouchers at Pizza Hut after a good afternoon at the cinema, which was nice - but the nicest thing happened on the way home. I spotted a book abandoned on a bench in the middle of town and strolled across to pick it up. I stopped in surprise at reading a sticker on the front: "This book is not lost!" Fair enough thinks I, looking for the owner. The rest of the sticker explained: "It's a travelling book, waiting for you to find it!" How wonderful!

I'm now a member of BookCrossing - a team that's best described as guerilla librarians. It's really rather a beautiful system for sharing a book you've enjoyed and want to pass on. BookCrossing gives it a unique BCID Number and you then "release it into the wild" to be found by a passing stranger. Whomever finds it, like myself with this book, "Witchcraft & Black Magic" (BCID: 003-7425446) is to read it then log a record of it and it's release on the website. You can even follow my BCID to see where it has been, and where it goes!

This book (along with some of my own BCID'd novels!) will be released somewhere on my travel home to Lincolnshire in a couple of weeks, so if you're in any big train stations between Somerset and Lincolnshire, have a look round - you never know!

Weightloss Water and Cream Cakes

That's just grand. After a month of fussing and promising, I only found out that I'm not being shifted after all. Now I'm deeply annoyed - I don't want to be where I am. I wouldn't mind so much if anyone actually asked before swapping my role. I turned down a nice admin position out of "loyalty" because I knew we needed staff and I thought they were doing their best to help me too. I won't make that mistake again.

But anyway, enough rant. We did have giggle at work for a change today - one of our regular phone customers called up again in his ah... influenced state and offered us all free holidays in Brittany.

I heard THE most ridiculous thing today. "Bio Synergy Skinny Water!" - low calorie water?! What the - Contains "L-Carnatine, a vitamin-like nutrient." Having done a little looking into it, this "miracle substance" hasn't been proven to help increase weight loss. Snakeoil anyone?

On a plus note, and not "lo-fat", we're making apricot and rhubarb cookies again! I smell of ground cloves. Also, I have a fridge and freezer full of yummy, yummy cream cakes. Get this - Tesco normally order 2 cages of creamcakes for the weekend. Due to an administrative error, FIFTY NINE arrived in our local branch. Everything half price! We've had eclairs, cheesecakes, slices, doughnuts, custard, choux pastries... It's going to be a good defrostables month.

"Halle Berry's boobs - slightly more interesting than Pokemon" - Himself

Chicken and Chilli...

Wowwee. Well, I've recovered from the week of crazy that was the family visiting - small dog and all. His Lordship was... impressed is the wrong word, with the ability of the dog to choose the nice carpet to go to the toilet on. I wouldn't mind the livingroom carpet so much, but it was the nice carpet.

Oh well! It was good to see everyone, chicken gravy just as I remember it should be and a fiiiiine pot of chilli. My great big stockpot didn't even last the evening, it was that good! My Mexican Chilli cheese was greatly appreciated by my sister - she likes the spicy. I may have to post some, but I haven't decided yet.

So much for recovery - I just found this shocking photo of one of my old friends... Augh! Get me some eye bleach, quick!

It's my own fault, I've been looking for a friends of mine from back home. Properly weird though is another chap I know, whom I lost touch with at least five years ago. He's turned up living less than 30 miles away. What are the chances of that?! I hate to admit it, but Facebook's actually really handy for this kind of thing.

I spent a good couple of hours on the terrarium the other day, carefully layering the hydroleca, netting and potting compost. After, I released some earthworms and woodlice to create a natural biocycle and topped it with some dead magnolia leaves. I planted two miniature palms, Terry's favourite peace lily and my own special treat for the gecko - miniature alpine strawberry plants, so when they fruit, s/he can eat them fresh. Thankfully the nice old gent of the magnolia plant didn't think it weird that I wanted dead leaves. I must pop a pic of the tank through his door as a thanks.

Ridiculousness and ROLLED!

Our lager, which art in barrels; hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk). At home as it is in the tavern, give us this day our foamy head snd forgive us our spillage as we forgive those who spill against us. Lead us not into incarceration but deliver us from hangovers, for thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager. Barmen. - Anon.

Interesting fact for you: the loose skin on your elbow is called a "wenus". His Lordship started rubbing his wenus on me, and asked me if I liked him.

GinjaNinja just dropped a pile of baccy on the floor - and used the dustpan and brush to sweep it up - then proceeded to roll a fresh one using it!

Schoolboy gains bus qualification

"A schoolboy has gained a qualification for getting on a bus - despite not knowing he had taken the test. Bobby McHale, 15, received a letter from an exam board recognising his ability to walk to the bus stop, wait for it to arrive and to board the vehicle

It came from the Assessment and Qualifications Alliance, the largest of the three English exam boards, and was titled Using Public Transport (Unit 1)." - With thanks to UK MSN News.

Pensarn, Pensarn...

What a journey. We got on multiple trains as of silly o'clock on Saturday morning, having discovered my party earrings had not arrived. The dragons were sound asleep wrapped in their towels and the journey was perfectly planned to the minute - connection after connection made beautifully (I realised I had forgotten my specially bought hat on the second train) and almost pleasant if it weren't for the extraordinary amount of Scouts. In fairness, they were wonderfully behaved and great entertainment for the dragons, whom had a fabulous time watching the humans and out of the window. (Points A through D on the map to see our trip!)

We arrived in Pensarn a couple of minutes late - and couldn't see our taxi. The conductor, just preparing to head off, suddenly said "Is it Abergele you're going to?" We agreed and asked if he knew a taxi number, being as ours hadn't turned up. "Oh

." he says. "This isn't it."

Apparently, the Pensarn the trainline was advertising isn't OUR Pensarn. Our Pensarn is Abergele. In fairness, our Pensarn is big, with a little town (Abergele) just down the road and the inhabitants of our Pensarn didn't even know there was another one! The Pensarn we ended up at was simply a train track with a shelter... There was one house across the road, and some sort of traveller's day centre. That's it. And we were now late for our friends wedding.

Thankfully a lovely girl called Rachel in the Pensarn day centre sorted out a cabbie to take us the 50 miles completely across Wales to the right Pensarn. He was fantastic, and I'd like to thank him and his two little boys who had a bit of a long trip to get us back to Abergele. We got to the Bull Hotel whom kindly let us borrow their phone to call the Black Lion accross the road from the community centre where the reception was being held and let the bride know we hadn't got killed - just delayed by four hours.

The reception was lovely, the bride was delighted to see us, which made my day, Tsam and Kyle had a brilliant time tiring themselves out running around on the grass, taking Wee C for a walk, Rich discovered he didn't like Belgian lager but the cake was just right for him (no marzipan) and I found a yummy carrot, orange and lemon juice goes well with sparkling perry. The bride looked fantastic and the blushing groom was as happy as jam scones. Wee C made me laugh - on receiving and taking a big bite of her very own cake, we asked her what it tasted like. "Hmmm. It tastes like... cake."

We finally got back to the Bull - if you ever end up in Abergele, please do visit the Bull Hotel at the very least. The landlord and his family are lovely souls, the rooms peculiar in shape and with luscious dark wood furniture. Our room had a curved wall that leant in on the one side... We slept in a very comfy, creaky bed and awoke to enjoy a huuuuge cooked breakfast.

We got to the local trainstation and had to wing it from there... F-J on the map. We explained to each conductor the Pensarn-Pensarn situation, and they let us continue on our way. With some creative map reading and sensational timing, we managed to knock four hours off the journey! The lizards always enjoy train trips, but Tsam had a particularly good journey, flirting with a nice lady passenger. She got this great picture of Tsam showing off how big and male he is... (Pic credit K1m)

Colours and Carbons...

I got my hair done ready for my friend's wedding on Saturday - chestnut brown, a few shades darker than my normal colour and venetian red - C80815 to Hex coders. When told the colour was innappropriate for work, I politely pointed out that it couldn't be - I'd chosen it specifically to match the colour of my uniform!

I have discovered something cool though - I have been quite interested by Nanotech development over the years, and they're putting some awesome technology to use properly now.

Carbon nanotubes are being developed to replicate muscle fibre - adding special compounds allows this supertough material to "flex" when a small electrical charge is applied. Imagine the possibilities - muscle repairs, patched into and running off your own nervous impulses...

The second coolness I will tell Dad I want for Christmas. It is commercially available, but it is one of the funkiest materials available.

SLUUUUUUUG!

We saw a slug, and it was THIS big! Yes, that is a two pound coin for comparison. Notice this slug is in a sleeping state - I have no idea how long it would be awake, but it's the size of your average dog poop, making it a big-ass slug. We have lots of them in the basement at work - they come and go through the ventilation bricks, I often see them when I go to check the cellar safe... "Hello Slug!"

For the third year running, the summer is a two week long burst of sunshine - and the rest rain. Not that I mind, but I'm aware the weather has been better up north! The rain has been good for the rhubarb though, as it's now got arm thick stalks with two foot wide leaves. We've been eating rhubarb everything! We were also debating (as a household) exactly what group rhubarb falls under - turns out it's a vegetable.

His Lordship made me laugh, he asked me whether the voice in my head sounded like my actual voice. "Which one?" says I. I wanted to know what the voice in his head sounded like then, and he responded "Hang on, let me just think of something then."

"Food comes for free on vegetable trees, so we should like, sell it at the farmer's market." - Girl at Santa Cruz Council Testimonies (slightly edited for ease and glee of use!)

Google Chrome - Great Creation!

Google Chrome is a HUGE improvement to IE. Not only is it so much faster, it's deeply intuitive, loads up faster - I timed it, it's about 5x faster load (both the browser and webpage)! It even makes FACEBOOK posts near insta-load and when you start typing in the address bar, you don't have to select the title you want before hitting enter - it loads it into the bar and you just hit enter. I am also amused by the fact there isn't a "Stop" button - it's been made redundant because the pages load so damn fast, by the time you'd get there, it's already loaded and done!

GC utilises space so much more practically, putting the tabs up in the title bar rather than wasting valuable screen space and sizes the webpage in the most efficient manner for your screen. IE always has it too big for my little lappy. You can even create direct shortcuts on your desktop to favourite websites... That's cool. Better yet, you can grab a tab, drag and dump it onto your desktop for a whole new window - AND you can do it in reverse and put it back!

It's the little tweaks that have won it for me, things that Microsoft should have implemented years ago: it has a built in automatic spellcheck, phish&malware protector, a little highlighter for when you're using text boxes in pages, tweaks for multiple page starts and taskmanager - including "stats for nerds"! I love the personable style, the little comments like "Minor tweaks and Under the Hood" - it's not stale and stuffy like old Great Grandad IE.

Stuffy old GGrumps IE doesn't have Incognito Mode either - ideal for you blokeys that don't want people seeing what pages you've been visiting! GC is much more open minded and up to date.

It takes a lot for me to get out of my comfy ways, programmes I know, for example I refused to look at firefox because it was too lumpy - but Chrome's sumthin' else... I'm so looking forwards to downloading the new operating system in 2010.

"Google - thinking not quite out of the box. Oh hang on - the links come out of the edges!" - Him, realising Google are so far out of the box, they knew Microsoft were stuck in it and avoided making the same mistakes.

A Reptile Dysfunction (and A Ruined Dessert)

We've decided anyone whom has forgotten what it was they meant to do and are standing there looking blank is suffering from "a reptile dysfunction". This of course comes from Kyle's "reboots", where she will be running and suddenly stop, mid-step, and switch off. Several minutes at a time on some occasions and nothing will distract her.

Men's styling products contain rocks, salt and iron minerals. Have you noticed women's styling products contain flowers, bamboo, fruits? Talking of fruit, Tsammo eated de fruit. Tsammo eated lotta fruits. He's a whopper lizard now - we measured him at over 20" long, and over half a kilo, easily pushing 600g, with a three inch wide skull. Terry on the other hand, whilst growing fast, is certainly the smallest of my menagerie at only 4.2 grams.

Tsam's been very helpful, eating bits of leftover fruit from my attempted sorbet, all except the rhubarb. Sadly, sorbet is far beyond the capability of our crummy freezer - 28 hours later and it's still a nicely chilled syrup. Never mind, it'll be great on my vanilla cheesecake - it's rhubarb, raspberry, pear, passionfruit, pomegranate, cherry, lemon and vanilla. "Very fruity, the passionfruit really emphasises the raspberry."

Sacha Baren Cohen - the Marmite Man. You either love him or hate him. Personally, I can take or leave Marmite, for example: I wouldn't have it on my Bran Flakes, but I wouldn't have my mum's pastry wheels without it. But I digress, I was discussing SBC's latest movie, Brüno. Once again, it was cringeworthy, embarrassing and offensive - just what the doctor ordered!

Most of the population don't get SBC's work, seeing it purely as the three descriptives above, but they don't take into account that he's working along similar lines to John Agard:

"explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean when light an shadow
mix in de sky
is a half-caste weather?
well in dat case
england weather
nearly always half-caste
in fact some o dem cloud
half-caste till dem overcast"

Sasha's work is about taking people's prejudices and forcing them to breaking point. Take Borat for example, he's not actually being offensive about Kazakhstan, he's just picked a country he knew very few British and American people would actually know about and worked with the assumations they develop. With Brüno, he's taking the mick out of us for our ignorance, picking on his victim's unfamiliarity with Austria. Let's face it, this time two years ago, even I didn't know Kazakhstan existed. I now know it's capital is Astanta and the favoured traditional instrument is the Dombra - a two stringed lute! It's not to reinforce incorrect views, but to show the audience how ignorance makes people look stupid! Sasha himself is Jewish, so casting "Borat" as an anti-semite reporter was bold, humorous and educational. (Pic: Harpers Bazaar)

"When will you Jews return the pyramids?" - discussing politics with the Hammas.

Tough To The Tax!

If you can get it, get Outrageous Orange hot chocolate. Add a tiny drop of good coffee and a splash of rum, and I promise you, it's the taste of Christmas. I use Bundaberg Royal, but sadly you can't get that here in the UK - I got lucky and a friend sent it back over from a visit to the Bundy factory a couple of years ago.

Here's a handy tip for Acer One users! I only found it because my scroller was being temperamental. If you go into device settings, you can programme "tapping zones" - so I can now open a browser with a quick tap to the top left, and my notebook likewise on bottom left. Superfast browser, huzzah.

TV RANT: All the other channels manage perfectly well on advertising. It's galling that BBC purports not to advertise - but they advertise their own programmes instead of normal adverts. If I'm going to have to put up with adverts anyway, I'd rather watch washing powder adverts and NOT HAVE TO PAY FEES! It takes the mick when I even have to watch BBC adverts at the cinema... Long live the other channels! Do away with the fee, go for advertising like the rest of the channels. I resent paying for what I rarely use. Come sign the Scrap the BBC Licence Fee Petition with me!

http://www.petitiononline.com/time2go/petition-sign.html - Viva la Petition! (Number 1053)

(Pic: Sky 3, Scandanavian boat that my Uncle spotted and snapped.)

We had spam, chips and eggs today for tea. It was just like being a kid again - Dad used to like Spam.

I also learned you can only fit 10 large grapes in His mouth until He looks like a turtle laying eggs... G says he can manage 16, but His Lordship mumbled (through the grapes) G has small grapes, small grapes don't count! I can manage 14.

Grammar drives me insane. If you can see the problem in the bracketed sentence, then thank goodness for that. (In a minute, A timer will be started.) I'm aware good English is becoming rare, but I hope that the upholders are not a species doomed to extinction just yet! And so, I have found my happy place - thank you to JChip8 for this picture of Fern Gully, it's like a vision in a dream.

"Please do not flush used teabags down the toilet" - some clever wit took tippex to it and it finished as "Please do not teabag the toilet."

Having taken my bike in for a service and discovering I am stranded on an industrial estate for the better part of two hours, I find myself in a small cafe, Ell's Kitchen. Somewhat frustratingly, the networks in the area are closed with WAP keys, thus looking unsecured until you try to tap them.

On the other hand, there are green and white checked plastic tablecloths, tattooed bikers eating "Hell's Breakfast" and thankfully they serve a fried egg and mushroom sammich. I feel right at home in my sleeveless shirt and biker bottoms. Not so with my book and my little blue laptop, but hey, you can't win everything.

Besides this freakin' sammich. I mean damn, this is the GOD of Eggshroom sammiches. The bread, I exaggerate not, is an INCH thick. Each slice! The mushrooms are fried into crispy submission, and the yolk exploded satisfactorially. And messily. Bread that thick is difficult to get around! So sitting here in this greasy spoon with a yellow smeared plate and a can of coke, noting the slightly odd smell of seaweed drifting in the door, I'm reminded very much of Home. Days working at Instores and nipping into the similarily greasy spoon next door. Marvellous. (Toast: Toastalicious.com)

Interestingly, Cineworld Screen 4 does have a WIFI network, but not currently accessible. However, just to prove a point as to how darn portable my nice new blue laptop is - I'm currently blogging in a packed out cinema, waiting for the adverts for Ice Age 3: 3D to start. ... And now I'm blogging as His Lordship tucks into the Sub Of The Day (Ham) at Subway! It does occur to me that companies could advertise by using WIFI - I'm sat here trying to access some more ports kicking around the area, and I don't know where they are. Little bit sad really, I'd be tempted to drop in the store to find if I could access the network. And once I'm in, I can see the stuff they're selling - which means I know it's there and might be tempted to buy! IP blockers are mean.

"D'ya want bready butter or toasts with that?" - Possibly Lady Ell herself. "There y'are, toasts."

Biker Beardie

My grandmother is deeply puzzled. She can't work out how a teabag managed to get into the duvet cover, but she has found out that it's left tealeaves all over the washing machine and clean sheets. Might be due to Grandad falling asleep in bed with his cuppa.

I bought a fig tree today, to have figgy yummy biscuits later! It's only a wee tree, but it has two big fig bulbs on already. I put it in a chocolatey red square pot and put it under my strawberry basket - the ultimate in recycling plant water. Water the basket, and the basket waters the fig!

Kyle had a moment today. She was rattling around as she often does, on the bedside table, when there was a thunk and she vanished. It took me a while to find her, as she'd climbed into the top drawer and made her way down the inside into His Lordship's pants drawer... (Pic: Not one of our dragons, but very cool. Unknown source, please contact for referencing.)

The Aircon at work is about as useful as most middle management - it's not doing much besides blasting hot air out. 26C in my cube, and I'm melting. I also discovered today that we pay more council tax than the Queen! She pays £1375 a year - for a house with 755 rooms.

"Pizza - Made of 10% Genius" - Himself

Fronds and Fresh Fruit

My mother's madness has taken an extraordinary new leap. I have to say, it's a unique fruitbowl... Talking of fruit, we've had a lovely week for fresh garden fruit. All my plants have gone insane, so His Lordship made rhubarb squares (Meranguits) and I served up raspberries and strawberries with chocolate icecream, still wet with rain.

Hopefully we've got some more strawbs to come, as I've purchased a nice strawb basket to hang from a bracket. I also bought some more shrimplets as, sadly, Paste passed away the other night. The original batch must be about three years old, but I now have 12 shrimp divided between the two tanks, including a teenytiny one called "Clunk".


Kyle is determined she'll move into Terry's tank, she's been knocking on the door, climbing the sides, getting her claws snagged in the galvanised roof - she's seen the new Tillandsia moss I put in there, a fine waterfall of pale fronds. Terry hasn't found it yet, but took a 0.2g poop on my scales. He's about 3.5g now.

I was overtaken by a van on the way to work yesterday, and it made me laugh - "Gurd & Flatt - General Builders." His Lordship got a surprising message too, after pulling a few alphabet candies out of a bag. Perfectly spelt on his hand: "FATASS." He also discovered I can fit one of my long handled sundae spoons up His left nostril...

Brilliant Bathroom!

Augh! Nan went home without seeing my bathroom! I did a quick sketch so you can get an idea of the colour and scheme. I've also got a showercurtain with grey and aqua green spots on and I hammerite silvered the rusted curtain pole.

And from yummy green to mmmmm shiny blue. I ordered my laptop very late on Saturday night - and it's here already. For just £179 I picked up this pretty little laptop, reconditioned and in perfect nick. The keyboard is slightly smaller than I expected, but certainly useable, I still have to get used to the way the mouse works as it's a bit odd.

8.9" Acer CrystalBrite™ TFT LCD
Operating System: Windows XP® Home
Processor: Intel® Atom™ processor N270
Memory: 1024MB RAM (2*512MB Configuration)
Storage: 120GB SATA Hard Disk Drive
Connectivity: Wireless LAN b/g, LAN: 10/100 Mbps Fast Ethernet
Webcam: Integrated 0.3Mp Acer Crystal Eye webcam
I/O Interfaces: 3 * USB PortsPort, 5-in-1 card reader (SD), (MMC), (RS-MMC), (MS), (MS PRO), (xD), SD™ Card reader for storage Expansion
Battery Pack: 3 Cell (3 Hours Battery Life)

I'm hoping my petrol expenses backdated for the last few months will come through soon, as that will pay for half of my shiny new toy! Mind you, at least my claim is genuine, unlike Fabian Hamilton, one of Leeds North East MP's. This benefits bamboozeler claimed £171,824. For an iPod Nano. As part of his "communications allowance". - Skynews

Hoping to make an angel smile...

Mum leaving Claire some flowers cheered me up, and I saw something I thought Claire would have laughed at too. In Denners department store, there is a HUGE makeup counter (Claire being one of the worlds brightest butterflies - like a backwards chameleon, always sparkling colours standing out from the background!) and they've brought out a wonderful new masacara. Lancome Oscillation Powermascara. To explain this (literally) revolutionary new product - imagine one of those battery operated cappucino whisks that were all the rage a couple of years ago. And then swap the whisky circle end with a spiky mascara brush. Somehow I don't even see the bravest of makeup wearers attempting to remove their eye with a black-gooped coffee whisk...

Talking of genius ideas, my sister excelled herself this week. She's currently working hard on her GCSE exams and came a cropper of this question: "Name two types of transplant." Her answers: "Kidney and Brain." Sounds like she could do with a brain transplant herself!

And continuing with embarrasing admissions, His Lordship told me something unusual earlier today. When he was a little younger, he accidently swallowed a red sparkly dice with white spots. His main observation on this issue was that he later noticed he rolled a 5. He's also decided the little fridge might be of Nazi decent, having discovered the light where we keep the drinks. "Yes - I illuminated all the juice!" ... Oh dear.

We've decided Gecko is definitely a Terry. Terry TacketyToes. S/he shed last night and is 3.5g with deep chocolate orange base colour and bright fruity orange patterns.

Quote of the week: "The world is my oyster - pity I'm kosher." - Vimrod.

Goodnight Claire

We're going to miss you so much honey.

Claire Wilson was a good friend of mine back home, and I've just found out she was stabbed and died in broad daylight on Sunday, just down the road from the Venue.

A bright and sparkly personality with ever-changing hair to match, kind to all and forever sweet - the world is a dimmer place without you. I know it all sounds supercliched, but I swear to above I never once heard her say anything bad about anyone, not even when we drove her loopy by staying late when she needed to close up - but who could turn down Claire-made pizza?!

People, Phones, Pools, Pizza and Pacman

A customer made me laugh today - having enquired if he had any accounts, he responded "None." Puzzled, I asked him if he was sure, he's a regular customer after all. "What would regularly dropping into the bank have to do with cows?!" I could only blink... Mind you, a staff member made a customer laugh earlier. Poor girl's had a funny tummy and was complaining on the phone to her Dad that she's "afraid to fart..." Unfortunately, one of our customers was sat out of sight at the table and fell about laughing. He asked her if she wanted him to go get her some Immodium from the chemist, but she fled through the back, bright red with the phone. I apologised to him - "She's a bit sick. A bit sick in the head." Thankfully she's seen the funny side of it. (Picture: Leenks.com - It's bad enough when your boyfriend dumps you by text, but being dumped by Bananaphone must be worse - it stops it being funny in the future. Ringringringnoooo...?)

The dragons have been enjoying the novelty that is the spray bottle. Kyle enjoyed it so much, it even reminded her what the empty bowl in the back of her tank is for - she threw herself in it and waited patiently as I sprayed her down, filling up the swimming pool! Neither of them used them in months, preferring the big bath normally, but they had a grand time swimming and drinking from it. Tsam was having a slight problem as he's so much bigger now - he kept getting stuck. So I kindly donated a spare casserole bowl for him to soak in, his very own personal jacuzzi! Clever boy showed off today - he'd been running around in the diningroom when I heard a clunk. I came in to see what it was and he was hanging off his Dragon Slope - which was leant against the wall! I turned it back round for him and he shot up into his house, happy as Larry and mission accomplished.

As it is games night for the boys (they've got a big green table in thelivingroom with toy robots on a big map and a bunch of dice) I ordered a bunch of pizzas to keep them fed and happy. Interesting fact for you: If you're ordering over the phone from Domino's and paying by card over the phone for delivery - you can tell them you have a 50% off voucher and they just take your word for it! Marvellous! Better yet, the delivery guy looked just like a toy lion I own. Even better-er, they're both called Norbert. (Image: Entensity)

In other news: My toilet seat has arrived and Rich is appalled. He secretly loves it, sparkly silver glitter! Also, Tackety Toes Gecko has put on .1g, making a total of 3.1g and 3.4".

Amazing Animals!

I discovered that Himself has bony elbows, my shins are pointy, and speedcameras think His Lordship is slow. Or at least, that's what the operator of said camera told us when we asked her as we walked on by.

The dragons are in mildly-psychotic mode, bobbing at anything. Tsam will even bob when he can HEAR Kyle bobbing in the tank below him. Amazing! I did play this to my advantage last night, Tsam sat on my knee and I asked him questions. "Would you like to hop on my shoulder?" nodnodnod "Would you like to hop on the back of the chair?" nodnodnod "Would you like to come down now?" nodnodnod "Are you a clever boy?" nodnodnod! Bal is growing fast according to His Lordship and his colours are coming out rather well! Bal's plants are growing and I've given him two bendy sticks to bounce and climb on. He hops like a little frog!

The bathroom is looking glorious already. Far from finished, but the Granite Grey coupled with bright silver mirrory tiles and the Cool Aqua green is heaven. The hideous green suite has been tamed and soothed by the new colours like Orpheus's Lyre to the animals. I carefully ripped up the disgusting pink carpet, having found that the basin is on top of it and found big wet patches underneath. Mmmm, stinky. The rubberised underside has got holes in.

Spyyk has forgotten he's only got one arm now and is scooting around on the exposed remaining bone of the other one like everything is normal. He's also been spoilt rotten with extra treats of ham. His new drainpipe tunnel has become a firm favourite and he spends all day going in reverse around the corners...

Quote for the Day: "Atheism is a religion like not collecting stamps is a hobby." - Google Suggestions

Frozen Food for Thought

I caught myself wondering when I found this link: http://www.good.is/post/picture-show-you-are-what-you-eat/?GT1=48001

Your fridge really is the window to your soul, isn't it? I took a photo of mine to see what it said about this household.

Top and second shelf: Owned by our batchelor, George. He's got a tub of Flora light and a packet of Leerdammer cheese. His way of life is "the hotter the better" and regularly scalds our tastebuds with his chilis - we bought him some superhotsauce made with the Dorset Naga for Christmas - and I swear, he puts it in EVERYTHING. I caught him putting some on a quiche with baked beans. For such a small man, he eats a lot. I can only imagine the chilis keep his metabolism so high... Oh, and the right drawer contains his half cucumber. Go figure.

Middle shelf: Hank's. Hank is braving the culinary world (especially now he's got a girlfriend - he can do a mean kungsour sauce!) so we sometimes see bags of lettuce and packs of mince. It's in it's default stage at the moment - Delmonte fruit and Muller. Quick and easy snacks, on the slightly healthier side.

Our shelves: Very cheese orientated lately, His Lordship has taken up a liking for it. We've got a mozzarella ball, some plain white cheddar, some Jarlsburg and some Ilchester Mexicana - orange cheddar with chilis in! (Great for toasty sammiches by the way.) We've also got ham, eggs, garlic mayo and coleslaw. In the broken topdoor shelf there's some pepperoni and a jar of peach and banana babyfood for the gecko (I need to turn that into proper food actually - will do that soon!) and the bottom has juice and the white cheddar cheese. The left drawer has gem lettuce, carrots and beets - perfect fridge for a ham and egg salad!

The freezer is a different story - practically empty besides our shopping. I do believe the second drawer has Hank's mince in, but that's it. We've got chicken, mince, fish and sausages, potato wedges, sweetcorn, peas, carrots, beans and brocolli - I think there may be an emergency lasagne at the back. There's also a tub of lemon sorbet (to go with passionfruit and banana for pudding methinks!) as well as bags of mice and beefheart, trays of bloodworm and a Vitalite tub with Green Flavour Gecko-cubes in. I'm making some yellow ones to add to it later.

So yes - there's an insight to our fridgefreezer. Just in case you were wondering - yes, both Hank and George earn more than I do. Hehehehe!

Snail Mail

I don't know if you got my email Mum, but here's a copy for you anyway!

I sent you a flower by snail mail.

I think the snail might have got hungry on the way though, sorry!

With much love from, Longthing and Thingthing.

Taunton's Terrifying Trial of Tuesday Trains

Tuesday had been one of those days. It should have been simple: go out to Taunton, see an advisor, get home. Having discussed it, we decided it probably wasn't a good route for me to drive and as none of us had ever heard of Lower Henlade, I quickly planned my journey by train and taxi. Simple!

Apparently not. I arrive at the station on time and wait. The train is running a little late, nothing unusual there. Got to Castle Cary safely, pleased to see the connection is running on time and make the switch following the announcer as there are no boards. Castle Cary smells particularly fetid at the moment by the way, lots of farming in the area. Happily trundling along on the train... only to look round in surprise 15 minutes later as we discover we're pulling back into the station we just CAME FROM. (Related pic: Pixdaus Demotivationals)

As the announcer had announced the wrong train and there were several of us now back at our original platform due to this mixup, the stationmaster agreed to ship us all by taxi. Fortunately my adviser was good natured as I rang ahead to let him know I'd be late.

Half an hour late for my appointment we arrived in Taunton and the taxi offered to take me down to Henlade as he was going thataway home. Turns out Henlade isn't the same place. The staff at Blackbrook's pub weren't exactly helpful, ringing a taxi company, telling me it was the only one local and it'd be at least an hour for another cab. I flipped a spare when I was told they'd never heard of Mount Somerset. Fortunately just next door there was a very helpful Premier Inn! Not only had they heard of it, they knew where it was. Better still, two of the assistants set to ringing up taxis - "I got one for 15 mins!" "Got one for 10!". Marvellous stuff girls. AND I got a free cup of tea.

To my general amusement, Mount Somerset was literally around the corner - a large, victorianesque pile of a mansion. Straight in, straight out, same taxi back to the station, nicely in time for my 12:55 train.

Except apparently that one wasn't stopping in Castle Cary at 12:55. They come every three hours today, and next one's at 14:22. Carefully I drew a breath and kept my temper. Thankfully I have a good book and a few pennies for lunch in my pocket, so I ensconced myself on the correct platform and purchased a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich. Or at least, that's what the wrapper said. Yon sandwich turned out to be CHICKEN and sweetcorn.

With a sigh (as let's face it, that's no hardship really) I consumed my sandwich and caught my train back to C-Cary. Whereupon we were notified of a delay and my connection train wouldn't be there. The next one would be at 16:10. Oh, nearly two hours, stranded on Stinky Central Station. Wuuuunderful. Once more I found a tough metal seat to place my already aching arse and while away more of my time.

As a rule, I don't mind children. But this one I bear exception to. For a start he was a mouth breather "scccchhh huuuuhhhh ... scccchhh huuuuhhhh" and snotty nosed "snrrrrrrk", but the Hula Hoops got me. Someone seems not to have taught this child to eat properly. Not only did we have the openmouthed "crunkcrunkcrunk" (I could have lived with that) we also had verbal appreciation "unnnnhhh" with each and every single one. Followed and interspersed with copious lipsmacking "tchicktchicksmack". I had to go stand outside in the stinky wind and rain to get away from the incessant "schhhhh snurk unnnng crunk tchicksmacksmack". Having got soaked in the wet, I was pleased to note the little grotesque had completed his treat (as was the poor shuddering chap hiding behind his Times in the corner) and I settled back in the warm.

Until the juicyfruit chewing gum came out.

Dear gods preserve me. This child has braces for craig's-sake! So now we had all of the above sounds, coupled with slurps of gum being pulled off metalwork and oy... bubbles too. It makes me shudder to recall. (Related Pic: Email handaround - sling me a link.)

Never mind. I got home in the end.

To discover the show I've been looking forwards to for months has just cancelled at short notice and that the gasman has declared our heating system to be the worst possible rating.

I'm going to go to bed now. Worst that can happen is I can fall out.

Geckos and Gubbage

I recently received an extremely minute baby crested gecko, a "flame" colour morph. It changes colour too, between chocolate orange to creamy beiges! Wee beastie has slightly brighter colours now, as shed yesterday.

Not sure what to call him/her yet, but I was thinking perhaps Bal. Short for Ballista Sauron Stickyfeet.

This breaks down into multiple meanings by the way - Ballista because s/he jumps like there's explosives in those little muscles, Sauron because the eyes are just like the one from Lord of the Rings (terrible movie) and Stickyfeet as Cresties are aboreal geckos (self descriptive.) Better yet, when spoken aloud it sounds funny - "Blister sore on sticky feet!"

What's your opinion? Also s/he pooped on my hand today.

Word of the Day: Gubbage - A word to describe introductory emails, signup information, password reminders, security confirmations and the like. Useful stuff usually buried at the bottom of old inboxes. Use: "It'll be hidden, so you'll have to look through all your gubbage." tags: junkmail, confirmation, signups, introdutions, emails, gubbige, gubbidge, gubbadge
Watch for it on UrbanDictionary.com!

↑Ξ©ĦļΣ ЯΔπ†

Here's His Lordship in Simpson form! He says: "Don't I look stunningly casual yet simplisticly handsome, even in my Simpson form?" May I point out, this is someone whom occasionally catches sight of himself in reflective surfaces and goes "yeeeaaaah." He also does the two handed pointing. Personally, I think his Simpsonian visage does him justice and is suitably geeky!

Windows 7: Top 10 features to look forward to - A response from His Lordship. (Article to be seen on http://lifehacker.com/5078582/top-10-things-to-look-forward-to-in-windows-7)

While perusing the interwebs we happened across the site boasting the 'top 10' things we, the almighty and wonderful computer consumer public, want.

Let’s be fair. I'll set out this rant with some background history.

When Win XP arrived, I pooh-poo'd it as worthless, over-complicated computerised junk. Over time I have come to terms with the fact that I now use XP as it has become the standard *sigh...* So when Windows Vista (see also: "cash cow") came about I instantly took a dislike to it, as being a somewhat techie nerd I was appalled by the system requirements. After having used this wondrous new system I... still hated it and, to this day, still use the lesser of two evils, XP.

Most people I know still use XP, except for a few blind fools suffering from the technological version of ‘ooh shiny’ syndrome: “It’s the latest. It’s new. It must be better than everything else simply because!” Well F*** that! Microsoft have already had money off of me more than once, as the saying goes: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice…" Ya get the idea.

So here comes Windows 7. Yip and may I say "Eeee." Due to retail at close to somewhere in the region of seventwobuhzillion pounds. (And that’s not accounting for the new computer you’ll need to run it no doubt!)

Enough, I digress; back to the point at hand. 10 things we have all been ignorant enough not to know that we needed previously, but now know we need them because we’ve been told we do.

Number 10:
Vista introduced a sidebar full of useful bits'n'bobs, Win7 will see the sidebar become a collection of free floating gadgets. As an XP user when I saw the vista gadgets, I liked what I saw. And now have Vista Rainbar running happily, complete with free floating gadgets.

Conclusion: I already have this feature. Win7 can go suck. (Get your free Rainbar here! http://gavatx.deviantart.com/art/Vista-Rainbar-V4-81263212)

Number 9:
An overhaul of calculator, paint and wordpad (and the removal of an OS native picture gallery and movie editor). Although IBF has come up with valid reason for some of the supposed changes in these features, quite frankly who cares about a mortgage calculator! Calculator: it’s a calculator. For anything more complex: use a spreadsheet. Which brings me to the other parts of this: Wordpad. Really? I can't think of the last time I actually used Wordpad. Hint here: OpenOffice. Nuff said.

Conclusion: Win7 can go suck. (Get your free OpenOffice here! http://www.openoffice.org),

Number 8:
Win7 will incorporate "intelligent battery saving features" enable your laptop batteries to last longer. I myself am typing this up on a laptop, albeit a huge, table-esque laptop and, I'm sorry windows 7, but I already have "intelligent battery saving features". I can right now pull the plug from my battery charger and before I have even let go I know my laptop would have turned off various unessential things, lowered screen brightness, etc etc…

Conclusion: We already have this. Win7 can go suck!

Number 7:
Windows 7 will have a ‘single click’ ability to swap between WiFi networks. I’m not even going to rant over this. Every laptop (and most desktops) I know of have this feature.

Conclusion: Not even worth ranting about. Win7 can go suck.

Number 6:
“You can decide what icons you have on the system tray!” Ditto 7, this is so irritating a statement to make. Win XP can, and always has been able to do, exactly this. True, it may not be an idiot-proof selection of various options and the layperson most likely doesn’t know about it, but the fact is, it can be done. This very machine has about half its system tray icons hidden at my choosing.

Conclusion: Win7 is beginning to take the mickey and I’m getting angry at the assumption that I am thick. Win7 can well and truly go suck.

Number 5:
"Get more out of User Account Controls." This is of course is a bit of Windows Backpeddling. Vista had a glaring huge problem, requiring Administrator Authentication for almost any action, including opening Notepad. Microsoft made a balls up and are attempting to correct it - and are now making a feature of it?!

Conclusion: Quite frankly, I’ve not once had any such issue with my Win XP installation. Do I need to confirm that with Admin? No… ? Ok, I’ll keep typing. Win7 can be confirmed by an administrator to go suck.

Number 4:
I had to read #4 repeatedly to realise that MS are apparently telling users that they can share stuff in a shared folder! Wait... what? I can do that right here on XP (and Win 2000… 98, and probably 95…) Great feature Gais, I can haz bucket too?

Conclusion: Win7 can check in my shared documents for the file named "go.suck".

Number 3:
I will at this juncture add that we're a BIG believers in Open Source and Copy Left; a shining example being the Linux operating systems. Why inform you of this? Well, #3 is Windows introducing a feature which has been quite standard on Linux for some time: The ability to use an extra "space" of desktop. Win7 allows users to "stretch" their work environment. Linux achieves the same by allowing its users to jump (with a single click) to one of just about any number of separate desktop environments. So, congratulations to MS for including a feature ripped off from a freely available and competing Operating System and then charging money for it! As well as this, there will be a new "gesture driven feature" to minimise all but the open selected window. Personally I’m already happy with the "Minimise All" feature that Win XP has.

Conclusion: Win7 can go and download the freely available Go Suck.

Number 2:
Win7 will start up faster, and a good 20% faster than Win Vista. Win Vista only takes 50% longer to start up than Win XP! So that’s a gain, no, a loss of 30% start up time?! Ooooh goody, I can barely contain my sarcasm. Let's face it folks, windows is a fat and bloated P.O.S and after a year (unless you re-install it anew) slows down enough that “making a coffee while the computer starts up” turns into “going out into town for a coffee, picking up a few bits at the shops, dropping into the pub on the way home and getting back before the computer starts up”.

Conclusion: Win7 can eventually, once it's booted, go suck.

Number 1:
I’ll make this point in English: Win7 will have a program launch bar on which you can have icons of programs to start them with 1 click, not even having to bother with the almighty strain of using the start menu. OH Good Lord! I must have Win7 installed because I already have this! A bar of icons for my most used programs that launch with naught but a solitary click of my trusty mouse pointer! "Huzzaaah!" I hear you all cry. So Microsoft, what’s the deal here? You're introducing me to a feature which I’ve been using for years. Needless to say, I’m a little confused. Is this not the same as walking up to a stranger in the street and advising them that breathing is a good and useful thing?

Conclusion: Win7 can right royally and completely go suck.

Overall conclusion of this overly expressive rant: I already have most of what this "technological miracle" is offering us and the tiny bits which I don’t have I actually don’t give a toss about, not in the slightest…

Windows 7 is a marketing exercise from a company that has long since seen its heyday. It will be peddled to the masses (and no doubt bought up by the same dribbling idiots that suffer from "ooh shiny" syndrome that made Vista lucrative). Its interface will no doubt be dumbed down to a point that anyone with an IQ above 50 will have to undergo a lobotomy just to be able to use it. (IBF: Well, they do advertise on TV that six year olds can do it.) Quite frankly, Windows Vista was too much. A spit-polished turd. Windows 7 brings me to a point of exasperation whereby I can no longer believe that people still fall for the same crap over again and pay money for it.

Blargh!?!

I am frankly amazed! Blargh is a real word accepted by the MIT - "The opposite of ping [...] an exclamation indicating that one has absorbed or emitted a quantum of unhappiness."

My blargh has been with the weather. Yesterday was pounding with rain. Today's blast of sunshine allowed us to go out, get safely to town and watch a film. And then tip water on our heads.

On a plus side we did hide from the weather in Tesco and did some yummy shopping. Next time you're there, pick up the new chocolate muffins - they're chocolaty sponge with soft plain muffin coating and a liquidy chocolate centre! It's like all my favourite cakes in one. Muffins, chocolate sponge and profiteroles. I also got my favourite icecream, B&J's Half Baked, another superfavourite. It's got cookie dough flavour AND fudge brownie mixed together.

His Lordship says he remembered to switch off Spyyk's new tank light. I need to get a timer for that thing, poor boy had a couple of um, bright nights...

Amazed by Adverts...

Spyyk has settled into his new tank very well over the last week, and is enjoying his tunnel, ducking in and out, peeping round the Y bends and reversing out of the L end. He's even figured out he can stick his tail out one end and curl enough to stick his head out of the other section in a big C shape!

http://gangstaname.com/pet_name.php - NSFW, very funny. Tsam is "Round Poo" - appropriate, and Kuleana Graeme Squishee is "Toodle Jiggles" - perfect!

My other laugh recently is television advertising. In the gym I was aware of a new dieting tablet being shown called "Alli". Swiftly followed up by a KFC advert. Timing: enjoy the feeling of losing weight, then have a guilt free grease bucket! Mind you, at home the other night I was watching a programme about pro-ana websites and the awful effects it has on girls as young as 10. (Pro-ana sites have mottos like "Being thin is more important than being healthy." and " Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty." One poor girl died age 19, weighing less than 4.5 stone and couldn't even lift her own head.) However, I'm not sure if it was supported or somewhat ridiculed by the adverts surrounding it. In one single block of adverts, I counted 8, yes EIGHT different food adverts and one about suntan lotion. Ironic or just bad taste?

Related Quote of the Day: "An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission." - Fred Allen

Tsilly Tsam

A little clip to keep you folks entertained whilst I'm busy painting the bathroom a delicate shade of green. His Lordship has worked hard at sanding it down, we've put the white undercoat over the biggest two walls and I'm applying the Cool Aqua shade now. It matches the suite perrrrrrfectly!

So yes, for your amusement this is Tsam, my little boy beardie, playing one of his favourite games: Eggbox! Watch out for Kyle in the background. Silly boy.