Sacha Baren Cohen - the Marmite Man. You either love him or hate him. Personally, I can take or leave Marmite, for example: I wouldn't have it on my Bran Flakes, but I wouldn't have my mum's pastry wheels without it. But I digress, I was discussing SBC's latest movie, Brüno. Once again, it was cringeworthy, embarrassing and offensive - just what the doctor ordered!

Most of the population don't get SBC's work, seeing it purely as the three descriptives above, but they don't take into account that he's working along similar lines to John Agard:

"explain yuself
wha yu mean
when yu say half-caste
yu mean when light an shadow
mix in de sky
is a half-caste weather?
well in dat case
england weather
nearly always half-caste
in fact some o dem cloud
half-caste till dem overcast"

Sasha's work is about taking people's prejudices and forcing them to breaking point. Take Borat for example, he's not actually being offensive about Kazakhstan, he's just picked a country he knew very few British and American people would actually know about and worked with the assumations they develop. With Brüno, he's taking the mick out of us for our ignorance, picking on his victim's unfamiliarity with Austria. Let's face it, this time two years ago, even I didn't know Kazakhstan existed. I now know it's capital is Astanta and the favoured traditional instrument is the Dombra - a two stringed lute! It's not to reinforce incorrect views, but to show the audience how ignorance makes people look stupid! Sasha himself is Jewish, so casting "Borat" as an anti-semite reporter was bold, humorous and educational. (Pic: Harpers Bazaar)

"When will you Jews return the pyramids?" - discussing politics with the Hammas.

Tough To The Tax!

If you can get it, get Outrageous Orange hot chocolate. Add a tiny drop of good coffee and a splash of rum, and I promise you, it's the taste of Christmas. I use Bundaberg Royal, but sadly you can't get that here in the UK - I got lucky and a friend sent it back over from a visit to the Bundy factory a couple of years ago.

Here's a handy tip for Acer One users! I only found it because my scroller was being temperamental. If you go into device settings, you can programme "tapping zones" - so I can now open a browser with a quick tap to the top left, and my notebook likewise on bottom left. Superfast browser, huzzah.

TV RANT: All the other channels manage perfectly well on advertising. It's galling that BBC purports not to advertise - but they advertise their own programmes instead of normal adverts. If I'm going to have to put up with adverts anyway, I'd rather watch washing powder adverts and NOT HAVE TO PAY FEES! It takes the mick when I even have to watch BBC adverts at the cinema... Long live the other channels! Do away with the fee, go for advertising like the rest of the channels. I resent paying for what I rarely use. Come sign the Scrap the BBC Licence Fee Petition with me!

http://www.petitiononline.com/time2go/petition-sign.html - Viva la Petition! (Number 1053)

(Pic: Sky 3, Scandanavian boat that my Uncle spotted and snapped.)

We had spam, chips and eggs today for tea. It was just like being a kid again - Dad used to like Spam.

I also learned you can only fit 10 large grapes in His mouth until He looks like a turtle laying eggs... G says he can manage 16, but His Lordship mumbled (through the grapes) G has small grapes, small grapes don't count! I can manage 14.

Grammar drives me insane. If you can see the problem in the bracketed sentence, then thank goodness for that. (In a minute, A timer will be started.) I'm aware good English is becoming rare, but I hope that the upholders are not a species doomed to extinction just yet! And so, I have found my happy place - thank you to JChip8 for this picture of Fern Gully, it's like a vision in a dream.

"Please do not flush used teabags down the toilet" - some clever wit took tippex to it and it finished as "Please do not teabag the toilet."

Having taken my bike in for a service and discovering I am stranded on an industrial estate for the better part of two hours, I find myself in a small cafe, Ell's Kitchen. Somewhat frustratingly, the networks in the area are closed with WAP keys, thus looking unsecured until you try to tap them.

On the other hand, there are green and white checked plastic tablecloths, tattooed bikers eating "Hell's Breakfast" and thankfully they serve a fried egg and mushroom sammich. I feel right at home in my sleeveless shirt and biker bottoms. Not so with my book and my little blue laptop, but hey, you can't win everything.

Besides this freakin' sammich. I mean damn, this is the GOD of Eggshroom sammiches. The bread, I exaggerate not, is an INCH thick. Each slice! The mushrooms are fried into crispy submission, and the yolk exploded satisfactorially. And messily. Bread that thick is difficult to get around! So sitting here in this greasy spoon with a yellow smeared plate and a can of coke, noting the slightly odd smell of seaweed drifting in the door, I'm reminded very much of Home. Days working at Instores and nipping into the similarily greasy spoon next door. Marvellous. (Toast: Toastalicious.com)

Interestingly, Cineworld Screen 4 does have a WIFI network, but not currently accessible. However, just to prove a point as to how darn portable my nice new blue laptop is - I'm currently blogging in a packed out cinema, waiting for the adverts for Ice Age 3: 3D to start. ... And now I'm blogging as His Lordship tucks into the Sub Of The Day (Ham) at Subway! It does occur to me that companies could advertise by using WIFI - I'm sat here trying to access some more ports kicking around the area, and I don't know where they are. Little bit sad really, I'd be tempted to drop in the store to find if I could access the network. And once I'm in, I can see the stuff they're selling - which means I know it's there and might be tempted to buy! IP blockers are mean.

"D'ya want bready butter or toasts with that?" - Possibly Lady Ell herself. "There y'are, toasts."

Biker Beardie

My grandmother is deeply puzzled. She can't work out how a teabag managed to get into the duvet cover, but she has found out that it's left tealeaves all over the washing machine and clean sheets. Might be due to Grandad falling asleep in bed with his cuppa.

I bought a fig tree today, to have figgy yummy biscuits later! It's only a wee tree, but it has two big fig bulbs on already. I put it in a chocolatey red square pot and put it under my strawberry basket - the ultimate in recycling plant water. Water the basket, and the basket waters the fig!

Kyle had a moment today. She was rattling around as she often does, on the bedside table, when there was a thunk and she vanished. It took me a while to find her, as she'd climbed into the top drawer and made her way down the inside into His Lordship's pants drawer... (Pic: Not one of our dragons, but very cool. Unknown source, please contact for referencing.)

The Aircon at work is about as useful as most middle management - it's not doing much besides blasting hot air out. 26C in my cube, and I'm melting. I also discovered today that we pay more council tax than the Queen! She pays £1375 a year - for a house with 755 rooms.

"Pizza - Made of 10% Genius" - Himself

Fronds and Fresh Fruit

My mother's madness has taken an extraordinary new leap. I have to say, it's a unique fruitbowl... Talking of fruit, we've had a lovely week for fresh garden fruit. All my plants have gone insane, so His Lordship made rhubarb squares (Meranguits) and I served up raspberries and strawberries with chocolate icecream, still wet with rain.

Hopefully we've got some more strawbs to come, as I've purchased a nice strawb basket to hang from a bracket. I also bought some more shrimplets as, sadly, Paste passed away the other night. The original batch must be about three years old, but I now have 12 shrimp divided between the two tanks, including a teenytiny one called "Clunk".


Kyle is determined she'll move into Terry's tank, she's been knocking on the door, climbing the sides, getting her claws snagged in the galvanised roof - she's seen the new Tillandsia moss I put in there, a fine waterfall of pale fronds. Terry hasn't found it yet, but took a 0.2g poop on my scales. He's about 3.5g now.

I was overtaken by a van on the way to work yesterday, and it made me laugh - "Gurd & Flatt - General Builders." His Lordship got a surprising message too, after pulling a few alphabet candies out of a bag. Perfectly spelt on his hand: "FATASS." He also discovered I can fit one of my long handled sundae spoons up His left nostril...

Brilliant Bathroom!

Augh! Nan went home without seeing my bathroom! I did a quick sketch so you can get an idea of the colour and scheme. I've also got a showercurtain with grey and aqua green spots on and I hammerite silvered the rusted curtain pole.

And from yummy green to mmmmm shiny blue. I ordered my laptop very late on Saturday night - and it's here already. For just £179 I picked up this pretty little laptop, reconditioned and in perfect nick. The keyboard is slightly smaller than I expected, but certainly useable, I still have to get used to the way the mouse works as it's a bit odd.

8.9" Acer CrystalBrite™ TFT LCD
Operating System: Windows XP® Home
Processor: Intel® Atom™ processor N270
Memory: 1024MB RAM (2*512MB Configuration)
Storage: 120GB SATA Hard Disk Drive
Connectivity: Wireless LAN b/g, LAN: 10/100 Mbps Fast Ethernet
Webcam: Integrated 0.3Mp Acer Crystal Eye webcam
I/O Interfaces: 3 * USB PortsPort, 5-in-1 card reader (SD), (MMC), (RS-MMC), (MS), (MS PRO), (xD), SD™ Card reader for storage Expansion
Battery Pack: 3 Cell (3 Hours Battery Life)

I'm hoping my petrol expenses backdated for the last few months will come through soon, as that will pay for half of my shiny new toy! Mind you, at least my claim is genuine, unlike Fabian Hamilton, one of Leeds North East MP's. This benefits bamboozeler claimed £171,824. For an iPod Nano. As part of his "communications allowance". - Skynews

Hoping to make an angel smile...

Mum leaving Claire some flowers cheered me up, and I saw something I thought Claire would have laughed at too. In Denners department store, there is a HUGE makeup counter (Claire being one of the worlds brightest butterflies - like a backwards chameleon, always sparkling colours standing out from the background!) and they've brought out a wonderful new masacara. Lancome Oscillation Powermascara. To explain this (literally) revolutionary new product - imagine one of those battery operated cappucino whisks that were all the rage a couple of years ago. And then swap the whisky circle end with a spiky mascara brush. Somehow I don't even see the bravest of makeup wearers attempting to remove their eye with a black-gooped coffee whisk...

Talking of genius ideas, my sister excelled herself this week. She's currently working hard on her GCSE exams and came a cropper of this question: "Name two types of transplant." Her answers: "Kidney and Brain." Sounds like she could do with a brain transplant herself!

And continuing with embarrasing admissions, His Lordship told me something unusual earlier today. When he was a little younger, he accidently swallowed a red sparkly dice with white spots. His main observation on this issue was that he later noticed he rolled a 5. He's also decided the little fridge might be of Nazi decent, having discovered the light where we keep the drinks. "Yes - I illuminated all the juice!" ... Oh dear.

We've decided Gecko is definitely a Terry. Terry TacketyToes. S/he shed last night and is 3.5g with deep chocolate orange base colour and bright fruity orange patterns.

Quote of the week: "The world is my oyster - pity I'm kosher." - Vimrod.

Goodnight Claire

We're going to miss you so much honey.

Claire Wilson was a good friend of mine back home, and I've just found out she was stabbed and died in broad daylight on Sunday, just down the road from the Venue.

A bright and sparkly personality with ever-changing hair to match, kind to all and forever sweet - the world is a dimmer place without you. I know it all sounds supercliched, but I swear to above I never once heard her say anything bad about anyone, not even when we drove her loopy by staying late when she needed to close up - but who could turn down Claire-made pizza?!

People, Phones, Pools, Pizza and Pacman

A customer made me laugh today - having enquired if he had any accounts, he responded "None." Puzzled, I asked him if he was sure, he's a regular customer after all. "What would regularly dropping into the bank have to do with cows?!" I could only blink... Mind you, a staff member made a customer laugh earlier. Poor girl's had a funny tummy and was complaining on the phone to her Dad that she's "afraid to fart..." Unfortunately, one of our customers was sat out of sight at the table and fell about laughing. He asked her if she wanted him to go get her some Immodium from the chemist, but she fled through the back, bright red with the phone. I apologised to him - "She's a bit sick. A bit sick in the head." Thankfully she's seen the funny side of it. (Picture: Leenks.com - It's bad enough when your boyfriend dumps you by text, but being dumped by Bananaphone must be worse - it stops it being funny in the future. Ringringringnoooo...?)

The dragons have been enjoying the novelty that is the spray bottle. Kyle enjoyed it so much, it even reminded her what the empty bowl in the back of her tank is for - she threw herself in it and waited patiently as I sprayed her down, filling up the swimming pool! Neither of them used them in months, preferring the big bath normally, but they had a grand time swimming and drinking from it. Tsam was having a slight problem as he's so much bigger now - he kept getting stuck. So I kindly donated a spare casserole bowl for him to soak in, his very own personal jacuzzi! Clever boy showed off today - he'd been running around in the diningroom when I heard a clunk. I came in to see what it was and he was hanging off his Dragon Slope - which was leant against the wall! I turned it back round for him and he shot up into his house, happy as Larry and mission accomplished.

As it is games night for the boys (they've got a big green table in thelivingroom with toy robots on a big map and a bunch of dice) I ordered a bunch of pizzas to keep them fed and happy. Interesting fact for you: If you're ordering over the phone from Domino's and paying by card over the phone for delivery - you can tell them you have a 50% off voucher and they just take your word for it! Marvellous! Better yet, the delivery guy looked just like a toy lion I own. Even better-er, they're both called Norbert. (Image: Entensity)

In other news: My toilet seat has arrived and Rich is appalled. He secretly loves it, sparkly silver glitter! Also, Tackety Toes Gecko has put on .1g, making a total of 3.1g and 3.4".

Amazing Animals!

I discovered that Himself has bony elbows, my shins are pointy, and speedcameras think His Lordship is slow. Or at least, that's what the operator of said camera told us when we asked her as we walked on by.

The dragons are in mildly-psychotic mode, bobbing at anything. Tsam will even bob when he can HEAR Kyle bobbing in the tank below him. Amazing! I did play this to my advantage last night, Tsam sat on my knee and I asked him questions. "Would you like to hop on my shoulder?" nodnodnod "Would you like to hop on the back of the chair?" nodnodnod "Would you like to come down now?" nodnodnod "Are you a clever boy?" nodnodnod! Bal is growing fast according to His Lordship and his colours are coming out rather well! Bal's plants are growing and I've given him two bendy sticks to bounce and climb on. He hops like a little frog!

The bathroom is looking glorious already. Far from finished, but the Granite Grey coupled with bright silver mirrory tiles and the Cool Aqua green is heaven. The hideous green suite has been tamed and soothed by the new colours like Orpheus's Lyre to the animals. I carefully ripped up the disgusting pink carpet, having found that the basin is on top of it and found big wet patches underneath. Mmmm, stinky. The rubberised underside has got holes in.

Spyyk has forgotten he's only got one arm now and is scooting around on the exposed remaining bone of the other one like everything is normal. He's also been spoilt rotten with extra treats of ham. His new drainpipe tunnel has become a firm favourite and he spends all day going in reverse around the corners...

Quote for the Day: "Atheism is a religion like not collecting stamps is a hobby." - Google Suggestions

Frozen Food for Thought

I caught myself wondering when I found this link: http://www.good.is/post/picture-show-you-are-what-you-eat/?GT1=48001

Your fridge really is the window to your soul, isn't it? I took a photo of mine to see what it said about this household.

Top and second shelf: Owned by our batchelor, George. He's got a tub of Flora light and a packet of Leerdammer cheese. His way of life is "the hotter the better" and regularly scalds our tastebuds with his chilis - we bought him some superhotsauce made with the Dorset Naga for Christmas - and I swear, he puts it in EVERYTHING. I caught him putting some on a quiche with baked beans. For such a small man, he eats a lot. I can only imagine the chilis keep his metabolism so high... Oh, and the right drawer contains his half cucumber. Go figure.

Middle shelf: Hank's. Hank is braving the culinary world (especially now he's got a girlfriend - he can do a mean kungsour sauce!) so we sometimes see bags of lettuce and packs of mince. It's in it's default stage at the moment - Delmonte fruit and Muller. Quick and easy snacks, on the slightly healthier side.

Our shelves: Very cheese orientated lately, His Lordship has taken up a liking for it. We've got a mozzarella ball, some plain white cheddar, some Jarlsburg and some Ilchester Mexicana - orange cheddar with chilis in! (Great for toasty sammiches by the way.) We've also got ham, eggs, garlic mayo and coleslaw. In the broken topdoor shelf there's some pepperoni and a jar of peach and banana babyfood for the gecko (I need to turn that into proper food actually - will do that soon!) and the bottom has juice and the white cheddar cheese. The left drawer has gem lettuce, carrots and beets - perfect fridge for a ham and egg salad!

The freezer is a different story - practically empty besides our shopping. I do believe the second drawer has Hank's mince in, but that's it. We've got chicken, mince, fish and sausages, potato wedges, sweetcorn, peas, carrots, beans and brocolli - I think there may be an emergency lasagne at the back. There's also a tub of lemon sorbet (to go with passionfruit and banana for pudding methinks!) as well as bags of mice and beefheart, trays of bloodworm and a Vitalite tub with Green Flavour Gecko-cubes in. I'm making some yellow ones to add to it later.

So yes - there's an insight to our fridgefreezer. Just in case you were wondering - yes, both Hank and George earn more than I do. Hehehehe!

Snail Mail

I don't know if you got my email Mum, but here's a copy for you anyway!

I sent you a flower by snail mail.

I think the snail might have got hungry on the way though, sorry!

With much love from, Longthing and Thingthing.

Taunton's Terrifying Trial of Tuesday Trains

Tuesday had been one of those days. It should have been simple: go out to Taunton, see an advisor, get home. Having discussed it, we decided it probably wasn't a good route for me to drive and as none of us had ever heard of Lower Henlade, I quickly planned my journey by train and taxi. Simple!

Apparently not. I arrive at the station on time and wait. The train is running a little late, nothing unusual there. Got to Castle Cary safely, pleased to see the connection is running on time and make the switch following the announcer as there are no boards. Castle Cary smells particularly fetid at the moment by the way, lots of farming in the area. Happily trundling along on the train... only to look round in surprise 15 minutes later as we discover we're pulling back into the station we just CAME FROM. (Related pic: Pixdaus Demotivationals)

As the announcer had announced the wrong train and there were several of us now back at our original platform due to this mixup, the stationmaster agreed to ship us all by taxi. Fortunately my adviser was good natured as I rang ahead to let him know I'd be late.

Half an hour late for my appointment we arrived in Taunton and the taxi offered to take me down to Henlade as he was going thataway home. Turns out Henlade isn't the same place. The staff at Blackbrook's pub weren't exactly helpful, ringing a taxi company, telling me it was the only one local and it'd be at least an hour for another cab. I flipped a spare when I was told they'd never heard of Mount Somerset. Fortunately just next door there was a very helpful Premier Inn! Not only had they heard of it, they knew where it was. Better still, two of the assistants set to ringing up taxis - "I got one for 15 mins!" "Got one for 10!". Marvellous stuff girls. AND I got a free cup of tea.

To my general amusement, Mount Somerset was literally around the corner - a large, victorianesque pile of a mansion. Straight in, straight out, same taxi back to the station, nicely in time for my 12:55 train.

Except apparently that one wasn't stopping in Castle Cary at 12:55. They come every three hours today, and next one's at 14:22. Carefully I drew a breath and kept my temper. Thankfully I have a good book and a few pennies for lunch in my pocket, so I ensconced myself on the correct platform and purchased a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich. Or at least, that's what the wrapper said. Yon sandwich turned out to be CHICKEN and sweetcorn.

With a sigh (as let's face it, that's no hardship really) I consumed my sandwich and caught my train back to C-Cary. Whereupon we were notified of a delay and my connection train wouldn't be there. The next one would be at 16:10. Oh, nearly two hours, stranded on Stinky Central Station. Wuuuunderful. Once more I found a tough metal seat to place my already aching arse and while away more of my time.

As a rule, I don't mind children. But this one I bear exception to. For a start he was a mouth breather "scccchhh huuuuhhhh ... scccchhh huuuuhhhh" and snotty nosed "snrrrrrrk", but the Hula Hoops got me. Someone seems not to have taught this child to eat properly. Not only did we have the openmouthed "crunkcrunkcrunk" (I could have lived with that) we also had verbal appreciation "unnnnhhh" with each and every single one. Followed and interspersed with copious lipsmacking "tchicktchicksmack". I had to go stand outside in the stinky wind and rain to get away from the incessant "schhhhh snurk unnnng crunk tchicksmacksmack". Having got soaked in the wet, I was pleased to note the little grotesque had completed his treat (as was the poor shuddering chap hiding behind his Times in the corner) and I settled back in the warm.

Until the juicyfruit chewing gum came out.

Dear gods preserve me. This child has braces for craig's-sake! So now we had all of the above sounds, coupled with slurps of gum being pulled off metalwork and oy... bubbles too. It makes me shudder to recall. (Related Pic: Email handaround - sling me a link.)

Never mind. I got home in the end.

To discover the show I've been looking forwards to for months has just cancelled at short notice and that the gasman has declared our heating system to be the worst possible rating.

I'm going to go to bed now. Worst that can happen is I can fall out.

Geckos and Gubbage

I recently received an extremely minute baby crested gecko, a "flame" colour morph. It changes colour too, between chocolate orange to creamy beiges! Wee beastie has slightly brighter colours now, as shed yesterday.

Not sure what to call him/her yet, but I was thinking perhaps Bal. Short for Ballista Sauron Stickyfeet.

This breaks down into multiple meanings by the way - Ballista because s/he jumps like there's explosives in those little muscles, Sauron because the eyes are just like the one from Lord of the Rings (terrible movie) and Stickyfeet as Cresties are aboreal geckos (self descriptive.) Better yet, when spoken aloud it sounds funny - "Blister sore on sticky feet!"

What's your opinion? Also s/he pooped on my hand today.

Word of the Day: Gubbage - A word to describe introductory emails, signup information, password reminders, security confirmations and the like. Useful stuff usually buried at the bottom of old inboxes. Use: "It'll be hidden, so you'll have to look through all your gubbage." tags: junkmail, confirmation, signups, introdutions, emails, gubbige, gubbidge, gubbadge
Watch for it on UrbanDictionary.com!

↑Ξ©ĦļΣ ЯΔπ†

Here's His Lordship in Simpson form! He says: "Don't I look stunningly casual yet simplisticly handsome, even in my Simpson form?" May I point out, this is someone whom occasionally catches sight of himself in reflective surfaces and goes "yeeeaaaah." He also does the two handed pointing. Personally, I think his Simpsonian visage does him justice and is suitably geeky!

Windows 7: Top 10 features to look forward to - A response from His Lordship. (Article to be seen on http://lifehacker.com/5078582/top-10-things-to-look-forward-to-in-windows-7)

While perusing the interwebs we happened across the site boasting the 'top 10' things we, the almighty and wonderful computer consumer public, want.

Let’s be fair. I'll set out this rant with some background history.

When Win XP arrived, I pooh-poo'd it as worthless, over-complicated computerised junk. Over time I have come to terms with the fact that I now use XP as it has become the standard *sigh...* So when Windows Vista (see also: "cash cow") came about I instantly took a dislike to it, as being a somewhat techie nerd I was appalled by the system requirements. After having used this wondrous new system I... still hated it and, to this day, still use the lesser of two evils, XP.

Most people I know still use XP, except for a few blind fools suffering from the technological version of ‘ooh shiny’ syndrome: “It’s the latest. It’s new. It must be better than everything else simply because!” Well F*** that! Microsoft have already had money off of me more than once, as the saying goes: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice…" Ya get the idea.

So here comes Windows 7. Yip and may I say "Eeee." Due to retail at close to somewhere in the region of seventwobuhzillion pounds. (And that’s not accounting for the new computer you’ll need to run it no doubt!)

Enough, I digress; back to the point at hand. 10 things we have all been ignorant enough not to know that we needed previously, but now know we need them because we’ve been told we do.

Number 10:
Vista introduced a sidebar full of useful bits'n'bobs, Win7 will see the sidebar become a collection of free floating gadgets. As an XP user when I saw the vista gadgets, I liked what I saw. And now have Vista Rainbar running happily, complete with free floating gadgets.

Conclusion: I already have this feature. Win7 can go suck. (Get your free Rainbar here! http://gavatx.deviantart.com/art/Vista-Rainbar-V4-81263212)

Number 9:
An overhaul of calculator, paint and wordpad (and the removal of an OS native picture gallery and movie editor). Although IBF has come up with valid reason for some of the supposed changes in these features, quite frankly who cares about a mortgage calculator! Calculator: it’s a calculator. For anything more complex: use a spreadsheet. Which brings me to the other parts of this: Wordpad. Really? I can't think of the last time I actually used Wordpad. Hint here: OpenOffice. Nuff said.

Conclusion: Win7 can go suck. (Get your free OpenOffice here! http://www.openoffice.org),

Number 8:
Win7 will incorporate "intelligent battery saving features" enable your laptop batteries to last longer. I myself am typing this up on a laptop, albeit a huge, table-esque laptop and, I'm sorry windows 7, but I already have "intelligent battery saving features". I can right now pull the plug from my battery charger and before I have even let go I know my laptop would have turned off various unessential things, lowered screen brightness, etc etc…

Conclusion: We already have this. Win7 can go suck!

Number 7:
Windows 7 will have a ‘single click’ ability to swap between WiFi networks. I’m not even going to rant over this. Every laptop (and most desktops) I know of have this feature.

Conclusion: Not even worth ranting about. Win7 can go suck.

Number 6:
“You can decide what icons you have on the system tray!” Ditto 7, this is so irritating a statement to make. Win XP can, and always has been able to do, exactly this. True, it may not be an idiot-proof selection of various options and the layperson most likely doesn’t know about it, but the fact is, it can be done. This very machine has about half its system tray icons hidden at my choosing.

Conclusion: Win7 is beginning to take the mickey and I’m getting angry at the assumption that I am thick. Win7 can well and truly go suck.

Number 5:
"Get more out of User Account Controls." This is of course is a bit of Windows Backpeddling. Vista had a glaring huge problem, requiring Administrator Authentication for almost any action, including opening Notepad. Microsoft made a balls up and are attempting to correct it - and are now making a feature of it?!

Conclusion: Quite frankly, I’ve not once had any such issue with my Win XP installation. Do I need to confirm that with Admin? No… ? Ok, I’ll keep typing. Win7 can be confirmed by an administrator to go suck.

Number 4:
I had to read #4 repeatedly to realise that MS are apparently telling users that they can share stuff in a shared folder! Wait... what? I can do that right here on XP (and Win 2000… 98, and probably 95…) Great feature Gais, I can haz bucket too?

Conclusion: Win7 can check in my shared documents for the file named "go.suck".

Number 3:
I will at this juncture add that we're a BIG believers in Open Source and Copy Left; a shining example being the Linux operating systems. Why inform you of this? Well, #3 is Windows introducing a feature which has been quite standard on Linux for some time: The ability to use an extra "space" of desktop. Win7 allows users to "stretch" their work environment. Linux achieves the same by allowing its users to jump (with a single click) to one of just about any number of separate desktop environments. So, congratulations to MS for including a feature ripped off from a freely available and competing Operating System and then charging money for it! As well as this, there will be a new "gesture driven feature" to minimise all but the open selected window. Personally I’m already happy with the "Minimise All" feature that Win XP has.

Conclusion: Win7 can go and download the freely available Go Suck.

Number 2:
Win7 will start up faster, and a good 20% faster than Win Vista. Win Vista only takes 50% longer to start up than Win XP! So that’s a gain, no, a loss of 30% start up time?! Ooooh goody, I can barely contain my sarcasm. Let's face it folks, windows is a fat and bloated P.O.S and after a year (unless you re-install it anew) slows down enough that “making a coffee while the computer starts up” turns into “going out into town for a coffee, picking up a few bits at the shops, dropping into the pub on the way home and getting back before the computer starts up”.

Conclusion: Win7 can eventually, once it's booted, go suck.

Number 1:
I’ll make this point in English: Win7 will have a program launch bar on which you can have icons of programs to start them with 1 click, not even having to bother with the almighty strain of using the start menu. OH Good Lord! I must have Win7 installed because I already have this! A bar of icons for my most used programs that launch with naught but a solitary click of my trusty mouse pointer! "Huzzaaah!" I hear you all cry. So Microsoft, what’s the deal here? You're introducing me to a feature which I’ve been using for years. Needless to say, I’m a little confused. Is this not the same as walking up to a stranger in the street and advising them that breathing is a good and useful thing?

Conclusion: Win7 can right royally and completely go suck.

Overall conclusion of this overly expressive rant: I already have most of what this "technological miracle" is offering us and the tiny bits which I don’t have I actually don’t give a toss about, not in the slightest…

Windows 7 is a marketing exercise from a company that has long since seen its heyday. It will be peddled to the masses (and no doubt bought up by the same dribbling idiots that suffer from "ooh shiny" syndrome that made Vista lucrative). Its interface will no doubt be dumbed down to a point that anyone with an IQ above 50 will have to undergo a lobotomy just to be able to use it. (IBF: Well, they do advertise on TV that six year olds can do it.) Quite frankly, Windows Vista was too much. A spit-polished turd. Windows 7 brings me to a point of exasperation whereby I can no longer believe that people still fall for the same crap over again and pay money for it.

Blargh!?!

I am frankly amazed! Blargh is a real word accepted by the MIT - "The opposite of ping [...] an exclamation indicating that one has absorbed or emitted a quantum of unhappiness."

My blargh has been with the weather. Yesterday was pounding with rain. Today's blast of sunshine allowed us to go out, get safely to town and watch a film. And then tip water on our heads.

On a plus side we did hide from the weather in Tesco and did some yummy shopping. Next time you're there, pick up the new chocolate muffins - they're chocolaty sponge with soft plain muffin coating and a liquidy chocolate centre! It's like all my favourite cakes in one. Muffins, chocolate sponge and profiteroles. I also got my favourite icecream, B&J's Half Baked, another superfavourite. It's got cookie dough flavour AND fudge brownie mixed together.

His Lordship says he remembered to switch off Spyyk's new tank light. I need to get a timer for that thing, poor boy had a couple of um, bright nights...

Amazed by Adverts...

Spyyk has settled into his new tank very well over the last week, and is enjoying his tunnel, ducking in and out, peeping round the Y bends and reversing out of the L end. He's even figured out he can stick his tail out one end and curl enough to stick his head out of the other section in a big C shape!

http://gangstaname.com/pet_name.php - NSFW, very funny. Tsam is "Round Poo" - appropriate, and Kuleana Graeme Squishee is "Toodle Jiggles" - perfect!

My other laugh recently is television advertising. In the gym I was aware of a new dieting tablet being shown called "Alli". Swiftly followed up by a KFC advert. Timing: enjoy the feeling of losing weight, then have a guilt free grease bucket! Mind you, at home the other night I was watching a programme about pro-ana websites and the awful effects it has on girls as young as 10. (Pro-ana sites have mottos like "Being thin is more important than being healthy." and " Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty." One poor girl died age 19, weighing less than 4.5 stone and couldn't even lift her own head.) However, I'm not sure if it was supported or somewhat ridiculed by the adverts surrounding it. In one single block of adverts, I counted 8, yes EIGHT different food adverts and one about suntan lotion. Ironic or just bad taste?

Related Quote of the Day: "An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission." - Fred Allen

Tsilly Tsam

A little clip to keep you folks entertained whilst I'm busy painting the bathroom a delicate shade of green. His Lordship has worked hard at sanding it down, we've put the white undercoat over the biggest two walls and I'm applying the Cool Aqua shade now. It matches the suite perrrrrrfectly!

So yes, for your amusement this is Tsam, my little boy beardie, playing one of his favourite games: Eggbox! Watch out for Kyle in the background. Silly boy.

Baffling Bank...

There's been rumours ever since the new boss came down that there would be staff being moved. Being as we're running on minimal staff anyway I hadn't expected it to be our branch, and if it would be our branch, even the part timers figured it would be a part timer lost.

But no, it's me.

Thankfully, I'd worked with the new boss on Saturday (I almost didn't go because no-one told me I was working) and he decided he likes me - also I'm now too valuable a member to lose/fire because I can do the concerns systems as well as cashier and prospecting - so I'm being shifted into a different branch where they need extra cover. It seems they're getting clever with the staffing rotas and percentages to keep on more staff, so whilst they "got rid" of a lot of bosses, all they've done is move them around and put them on contract. It seems the idea is if they can't manage targets, then they've got a viable excuse to get rid of them on the probationary contract. Clever, if inconvenient for all involved. To make it even more efficient, they've also moved all the target goalposts; making the targets higher and the products have a lower point value.

But enough of the boring.

Spyyk is doing remarkably well, the remaining dead skin is sloughing off perfectly and his new tank is developing at a good speed - black sand and drainpipe in, terracotta pots and plants set up already.

I bought my tile paint online and am waiting for it to arrive, my mirror tile transfers turned up and my Cool Aqua paint is ready to roll. Well, roll-erbrush. My lovely bathmat is tucked away in the airing cupboard and I'll be looking at new flooring over the next couple of days - removing the old mats to wash them showed the carpet to have black mould in various places. I'm not surprised, but I do need to get rid of that carpet.

His Lordship says "I love you as much as lemon torte from Cafe Rouge... and then a little bit more."

Charity Cheese

We went to a charity gig for the hospital last night - I went in cobalt blue and black, His Lordship in a snazzy midnight blue silk shirt. We spent a great time there with a couple of friends and came home around 2am with some expensive cheese in my handbag and in our pockets, wielding a large sesame seeded baguette at any challengers for our cheese!

I do like spending a day mooching with my dragons. Tsam was busy sleeping, so I've had a nice lazy day with Kyle. She's been shooting around like a mad thing and deliberately went for a soggy poo on His Lordship's sock when he wasn't paying enough attention. She's had a grand time and is currently going to sleep behind the waste paper basket. Pic: "No pictures!"

Sadly Benny and Spyyk the axolotls have been scrapping again - poor old Spyyk has lost an arm but is doing well after some emergency surgery to remove the dead tissue. I was quite shocked by this - it's been a long time since the last argument and this one was worse I'm afraid. He's under observation and treatment in a hospital tank, recovering fast I'm pleased to say. We'll also be making arrangements to seperate them. Haven't decided if we're rehoming Ben or buying a new tank yet.

Positively Perfect Paint!

Today, I am pleased. We went for a trug round the shops, a shop schlep and found an ideal bathmat. His Lordship pointed it out and luckily I had my paint sample in my bag still. We pulled it out of the pile, dropped the sample tube on it - and the colours match perfectly. I was even more satisfied to discover the sale had an extra 20% off!

P.S; put the sample on the wall today, slightly bluer than expected, but deliciously fresh. Will look great and as expected, should soften the intense green of the suite. (<--- click to see true colour. DIY.com)

I have realised just how crazy this house is.

I don't mean the inhabitants, I mean the actual house. We all know about the bathroom fiasco, with the non-existent vent attached to the bathroom fan, as well as the failed roof, soggy cupboard and various other issues including the outdoor hosepipe tap that, whilst it has a pipe going INTO the house, doesn't actually appear to be attached to anything when you look for it inside. There's a surprise. But there's a new one I've just discovered. I went and wired in the old Digibox from upstairs into the downstairs TV, checked it over, switched it on... to find it all going to hell on the screen. Having recruited Himself to help me find the problem, we mulled over it, swapping cables around and trying to ascertain just what had happened.

It seems the entire aerial system wired into the house has been done backwards. We have female ports inside the house and male points leading to the mast itself. Thankfully we had a male-male cable handy and quickly rectified the issue. Whoever built this place, I commend your genius! Truly a remarkable move, one that kept us guessing for some 15 minutes.

Relevant Quote of the Day: "No, you haven't broken it. It's the house that's broken." - Him.

Fancy Flamin' Faucets...

The weekend was spent in a nightmare of basin tap prices. I can't believe a pair of plain silver coloured taps cost nearly £70. What the heck is THAT about? We spent literally 6 hours walking between DIY stores trying to find an idea to make our 70s avocado/jade green bathroom suite look a bit better. Fortunately, Retro is starting to make a comeback in bathroom suites - hopefully, if I scrub it up well enough, nobody will notice it's from the first time round... It seems most people with avocado suites tend to go Mediterranean but I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. I tried spending time in a bright yellow bedroom and it made me nauseous. Thus we are contradicting most of the Med advice and going with the uber-cool Akingsho reccommendations. Charcoals and silvers with pale green walls to gently neutralise and brighten the room/bath. And I'll just swap the upstairs sink taps for the downstairs taps - they match the bath!

Topps Tiles, whilst they didn't have tile paint, had a very nice heated tile demonstration going. Which was extremely useful as the sun had briefly tucked behind a cloud and Kyle was getting grumpy. (Imagefail: Topps Tiles homepage.)

"I'll do you a swap - you go get your coffee and I'll let you get me a drink too." - long pause - "What? ... No!"

Cadbury's Creme Crap

So far this week:
I have made my knee funny by jumping up too fast and falling over.
I have stepped on a VERY large thorn that peirced through my shoe and went deep into my foot.
Stepped down with the other foot out of the shed, misjudged it and gave myself a lump when my head made contact with the doorframe.
I had to put my bike on the floor instead of dropping it, as the front tyre caught on the ledge and my foot meant I couldn't catch it. (No damage thankfully.)
And to top it off, I leaned down the side of the bed to pick up an elastic band - the pillow supporting my elbow slipped and I fell forward, smacking my head on the wardrobe.
All I could do was laugh...

The Cadbury's Creme Egg Icecream, pilfered from a box that mysteriously appeared on our freezer shelf.... It looks a lot like a smaller Magnum, so automatically I expected something a lot like a smaller Magnum with a sweeter, syrupy, less vanilla flavour. The box is deeply alluring and I have to say it looks GOOOOOO-D. Sadly, it's not. Not at all. It's a bizarre consistency, almost marshmellowy and quite dry (although this might be due to our freezer - the outside of the icethings was covered in an odd, yellow and sweet frozen liquid which seems to have leached out of the icething itself). The chocolate covering is thin and poor quality; nothing like the solid CRUNCH from the Magnum or for that matter from a proper Creme Egg. Quite a disappointment. And so, I discovered that biting His Lordship's furry backside tastes much nicer (if hairier). Which is worrying, to have to go to such extremes to rid ones mouth of fake ice cream flavour. To paraphrase the advert: Goo-ing, Goo-ing, Gone - to be sick. YURK.

Bobbity-Bob

The Chinese National Circus has been postponed, so we can't go for two months, but that's ok as I still have to work on Saturday and no-one's told me when I'll get the day back (see last bloggage). This is worrying, because we simply don't have enough staff to cover anything much; days, sickness, holidays... The inspectors are still prowling round and several staff are unavailable, so our resources are very, very thin. There are already some concerns that we may have to temporarily close my small branch on a couple of days due to lack of staff. I know we were supposed to be cutting back, but quite frankly, this is ridiculous! How can we be expected to maintain quality service with such uneven staffing and uncertain prospects? But enough ranting.

The Dragons are beginning to improve alongside the weather - the finer the weather, the more interesting the lizard. Whilst not appreciated, the fresh dandelions are also proving to be good, as they're both more active. Tsam is now a master of the Stairs (much bobbiting) and Kyle has worked up enough guts to be territorial back at him. She's just started a brave headbob at Tsam, with a smudgy black beard. He goes absolutely nuts - but she's winning at last!

I was watching "Chris Ryan's Elite Police" today. I can't say I'd recommend it, but He's enjoying it. I can however summarise it beautifully: It's like a presenter fed a serious pill and a case of the obviouses; the camera man is high on ketamines, waving around a shiny new toy that he's excited about (the camera), attempting to film a cross between the weather announcement and a nature show... with some guns.

It seems this gym is working! I've lost 6lbs already, though it's half-killing me some days. They are quite brilliant at Goldenstones, however they do push you hard. 8 minutes on the crosstrainer is enough to make me want to quit, but I've worked it up to 15 like they wanted, in fact I did 20 the other day. It strikes me as odd that I work my ass off to get paid, and then use that money to work my ass off, but there you go.

"Spring is what winta, always gozinta" - Ogden Nash's doggerel

Finally the worst of the weather is over and I've just started the new spring's gardening. I put up my little greenhouse and I've planted some cayenne and red bull chilis as well as some worldbeater bell peppers and some dwarf lavenders. My rosemary, lavender, chive, two types of mints and two types of thyme have shot back up. Also the raspberries, gooseberries and rhubarb are leafing enthusiastically, and I have to start planting my radish, onion and lettuce soon... The front lawn dandelions are lush and bright, providing yummy Dragon Salads!

I've moved some of the smaller new raspberry stalks to more convenient locations in the patch and added a nice little plot of strawberry plants. The rhubarb is already delicious - it was a little out of hand already so I put a couple of the more ungainly stalks into a mixed fruits crumble. The passionflower has been shifted and has survived the first couple of days! Ooh, I've also begun planting my next hanging baskets with lobelia as last year's fuschia is beginning to sprout.

Still lots to do, but the garden is starting to look good - the lawn has been combed free from mosses, the entire back border weeded and raked. (Images: Pixdaus - Rachid Hankour and Unknown)

Tough Targets?

My list of things to do, in roughly this order:

Buy some new work/everyday shoes

Get a beanbag

Put a white suite in the bathroom (or at least repaint and replace the flooring with pine and green mats, to tone down the fruitbowl theme.)

Get a nice kitchen with a solid stone-like worksurface in bold colours (or fix up and paint the cupboards/fix floor to look newish)

See either Madagascar or New Zealand (or Holland at least...)
Get a leaner figure and do a photoshoot! (Well, maybe not the photoshoot...)

Do my bedroom in red and oak panel with bookshelves full of literature and curios (or just collect some curios for now. Ideas accepted. Curios not, until I've seen them.)

See more live shows/plays/go to the Albert Theater

Have a lift in a Bentley Flying Spur (No, a Yaris won't cut it.)

Get paid more than I currently do, preferably for something I enjoy. (So I can get nice things/better versions.)

Get an Acer One (Linux version) for it's pocketability (see above)

Own a Black-throat monitor (or funky up the lizard tanks a bit more!)

But y'know what? I'm good for now. (-Ish.)

Brrr? No, Grrrr.

It's been a busy couple of weeks I'm afraid - work has been extremely short of staff, so I've been working extra time and giving up my days off to cover. I'm most annoyed, having discovered that my day offs have essentially been given out - instead of alleviating the staffing issue. In fact, I'm even more annoyed, as when my only colleague had to go to the hospital to have an infected wisdom tooth removed in emergency surgery, we were told that "she may as well come to work and cry in pain rather than sit at home and cry in pain."

Also, a very good friend of mine has just been diagnosed with lung cancer - but what struck me most odd is that they've been giving up smoking for years, on off on off. I went round to visit and the house is completely free of cigarette smoke. It's a terrible shame something like cancer had to strike before actually doing it. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware it's a tough habit to break - but it's sad they've been able to stop so suddenly after this news. One can only wonder, if they had just stopped the first time...

His Lordship is still fighting with His bankruptcy and nothing concrete is being said. Ditto with the work - I grabbed a copy of the local paper to flick through for jobs and discovered the entire two pages of jobs contained a grand total of three jobs and lots and lots of adverts. We had a nurse, a teacher and a field salesperson. The sales job never responded...

So yes, I'm generally cheesed off. At least it's not snowed for a bit.

Quote of the Week: "I had 5p stuck up my nose and I liked it." - My colleague. The best bit is we both work in banks...

Wut?!

I'm not sure I like doing Tesco online shopping any more. Alright, so yes, it's a bit like Christmas time, when one of my loving grandparents sends me some very odd gifts (I have a rather interesting papier mache frog in Victorian flowers pattern in the downstairs bathroom...) - but it's not super practical. I'm not sure why, but I received five (yes, five) two litre bottles of lemonade, two different brands, both wrong. I'm most puzzled.

Weather here has actually nudged into the greenhouse style too - as I mentioned, the lizards were chuffed to be able to window bathe, He and I went out and decimated the front garden. There's a pile about five feet tall, slowly drying out up the side of the house to be burnt. I ripped out a tree that wasn't supposed to be there, He took after all the hedges. The lavender had it's base truly kicked and the hydrangea has been pounded into submission too. But, like yourself, I've also overdone it and eesh do I ache now! It hurts to laugh!

But, it's making learning the machines at the gym I've just signed up to fun! I've had a go on a few of the overgrown toys there. The best one is the "Crosstrainer" - I see where it gets the name from - you train on it and you get cross with it! You expect a sort of stair-climbing motion, but no, you lean BACK and sort of wiggle your bum. It's very like ice skating.

Quote of the Day: Woman sat in movie bar, trying out 3D glasses: "Doesn't look much different with these on." Partner responds: "Well, everything's already IN 3D, isn't it?"

Hell in a Handbasket?

It's not a good week. All is slowly going to hell in a hand basket.

My bike is costing more than I thought it would be, so finance is going to be very tight; I've hit the credit card to cover for it and put off my holiday. My concentration is shot so my till doesn't balance at work and I can't even escape into my books due to lack of focus. My sister's having teeth out and Mum's biopsy came back uncertain, so she's got to do it again. His Lordship's Mum's in hospital with pneumonia and my lift to work failed as the gearbox fell out earlier. There's still an ugly hole in my bathroom wall and the freezer still doesn't work properly. My new website keeps falling offline for no good reason and worst of all, Mum's discovered she can't eat baked beans any more!

Thankfully I have a mandarin cheesecake and Himself. Cheesecake is one of my greatest cures for the blues and cheesecake brings good luck. With cheesecake (and Him to slice it), I know things will get better.

Sharpshooter? More Like Dumb Bullet.

It was so bad, it gave me hiccups. You realise of course I was talking about the movie "Sharpshooter". Or rather "Shahurkpshoohurkter". You'll be pleased to know it was so great, it went straight to TV, never even making the big screen. Just my big screen, to my misfortune.

We noticed some glaring errors (in no particular order):

Flick (the black FBI agent/double agent/triple agent or something) recognised the gun waved in his face, and the scope as an "Acog" - when it was clearly an EO-Tech. The Acog is distinctive, rather nicer aesthetically-wise, as it is almost conical with straight lines, whereas the EO-Tech is a nasty cyclindrical peice of chuff.

I even commented on this one; when they're shooting in the boathouse, the guy grabs a dead hench's gun, only to discover the unused gun empty. What kind of guard goes around with an empty magazine in his gun?!

In the beginning of the hostage scene, the hostage's gag is round his neck. In the next moment, it's in his mouth all by itself.

Flick's beard keeps changing length near the end of the movie.

Talking of Flick, his deal starts off in very dark (one assumes early morning). All of a sudden when they're beating him about, it's bright daylight. You'd assume it was because he's being beaten later on - but no, they take him back to seal the deal, as if only a few minutes were rolling by. I'm a bit puzzled by the insta-dawn - this film's set in Canada, not the North Pole.

My personal favourite unfeasability was when Dillon (the hired gun - or "sniper") killed Flick. As his gun was empty, he pulled it off his shoulder, holding the stock horizontally and pulling back the strap. He then popped a stick (that he sharpened with a rock. Seriously, I'm not making this sh*t up...) through the trigger loop, pulled the strap back and shot Flick through the heart. I would like to point out how stupid it would be to have elasticated gun straps - imagine, yon soldier swings it round his shoulder, pulls forwards to shoot - and the elastic snaps it back into his face. Clever.

If I missed any glitches, I apologise - I didn't set out fail-hunting, I just couldn't help noticing them. With a sigh, my rant is over, summarising with "inconsistent and unimaginative." Worth watching, purely for fail value. Warning: your 89 minutes of wasted life are non-refundable.

So yes, the entire movie was about as smart as this goat:



Related Quote of the Day: "It was like a bad porn movie but without all the sex and nudity." - Noxidm, IMDB reviewer.

Corrections, Curses, Coins and Cheesecake...

Mum wants me to correct the comment on the antipsychotics - they're for other issues rather than just the fact that my family tend to be nuts. "I don't mind being called most things but I'm not psychotic - honest. Now I'm PARANOID." Mind you, talking of family madness, my uncle let me know he'd been reading my blogs. "You're as mad as I thought. Thank goodness." And then sent me a completely random picture of a cat he met, in Wiltshire, in November.

Actually, on the note of family, thanks Mum for encouraging me to buy lovely shoes and having a banter about boat sizes in relation to feet. The general consensus is Mum's are canoes and I have aircraft carriers. I had to send them back. You recall me saying I'd checked the sizes were right so carefully, size 8, Euro 42? Well, they sent both pairs in size 8 - but Euro 26. Kids shoes. I sigh, and ask for my money back as they don't have my size. G'dammit, how STUPID.

Mind you, if you think that's stupid, I discovered this week that stinginess comes down to a figure: seven pence. A lack of seven pence means you can't get a bus, even when you clearly can't walk any further. Ah well, my colleague made me laugh - when her boyfriend wasn't answering her calls, she left a message on the voicemail. A long, farty message, brought to a raspberry crescendo with a satisfied "oooh" at the end. Truly vulgar!

Quote of the Day: "Choose between me and cheesecake? I'd love to see you try to hug a cheesecake!" - Himself, point well made.

Small Snails...

I learned something clever today. You go back home, it looks the same, smells the same, heck, it feels the same. It's then you realise that YOU'VE changed. Getting older is no bad thing - wasting time is. Sometimes you gotta be patient, but you don't get it back, remember that. You've got to forgive the past for what's happened, especially when it's nothing you could have done about, but even if you could have then, you didn't. So let it go.

That's my wisdom for the day: enjoy what you've got. Alright, so my house occasionally has mysterious holes in the wall, unidentifiable coloured carpets in some rooms, a window that slowly falls out and needs thumping back into place, a strange smell that sometimes creeps from somewhere in the kitchen and a bizarre avocado shade bath suite... but it's home. It's warm (sometimes), safe (all the time, sometimes you can't get OUT!) and comfortable (when the empty pizza boxes are put in the kitchen pile and not the sofa).

But I've done some things I never thought I would have - I've travelled to far away places (India, Malta, Lapland etc) and to nearby places (The Tate, Natural History Museum, London Aquarium etc); I've had a go at kayaking; dealing with siblings; abseiling; discovering my mother's on anti-psychotics. I've been a member of Neopets over 7.5 years; bought a huuuuge TV on a whim; coped with living 450 miles away from everyone/thing I know. I've tried about a million different jobs; had a go at high flying on the trapeze; ran a store on my own (for my boss at the time) and helped friends pick up the peices when they've screwed up. I'm adoring extraordinary pets and forgiving the odd bite; went to college a couple of years later than I should have; had my heart broken and came back to love a wonderful man...

You know what? I may be a very small snail in a very big world, but I never realised I did so much!

Starting the Scalies Society

Hurray, we've nearly got the homepage of http://www.scalies-society.co.uk up and ready - and my god the previews are looking GORGEOUS! We went for shades of green, but I didn't want any old boring background - so we've gone for something different: random backgrounds! We've loaded a variety of images to appear each time it's refreshed, revisited or reloaded. It's not done yet, so patience. My webmaster is working hard on this one and doing a grand job of it.

I'd love to hear from you folks out there as to what you'd like to see on www.scalies-society.co.uk. We'll be putting a forum on there, links to local suppliers and odd animal stories, but if there's anything you'd like to see on there, email me at indigo_blue_fish @ hotmail.co.uk OR Tsam @ scalies-society.co.uk OR Kyle @ scalies-society.co.uk - we look forwards to hearing from you.

Watch this space for the full release!

Happy Valentines!

Here's your online blogger Valentine's card:
Happy Valentines Your Lordship!

(Pic: Not sure - comment to leave ref. Thanks.)

Friday 13th - Lucky for Shoes. Uh... I Mean, Some.

I'm chuffed to tell you that the Scooter Commuter's Nod is beginning to take off. Some of you may know there's a "cult" feel to owning a SmartCar: Smart owners recognise others by flicking up the index finger from the steering wheel. I've been working on a similar sort of idea, a sideways nod to other bikers - particularly the scooter commuters like myself. I've been trying this for a little while, and bikers are beginning to respond already, and I'm delighted I was the recipient of a Nod too. I have to admit, I was a bit surprised and returned it - yet I'm the one that started it! (I also got one off a Harley today - so the other scooters are clearly passing it on.)

I have bought some new shoes after great wisdom from my mother: "If you need new shoes, buy new shoes. Sell old shoes for new shoes." It went on like this for a while - v.funny! Doc Marten tried so hard to tempt me - sneaky Dr M had a pair of boots with my name on - literally! Sadly, I couldn't justify £75 for a pair of boots, so I passed this time, but I will remember them. Instead I bought some funky silver ones for £20, and some nice sturdy boots for work. I have to admit, the postage is VERY good, £4 for BOTH pairs combined. I was almost tempted to buy more, but I did very well. Oh wow, they've got some named after my brother too - check out those flamin' shoes! They come in black too.

"Ooh! I received a message from God!" - His Lordship, having renamed his mobile's bluetooth some while back, and forgotten.

Oh No. Ho Bo! So?

Today was another of those extraordinary work days where everything seems to deliberately go out of the way to try you. Thankfully, we didn't get locked out this week. We'd even managed to get the right sets of keys this week. Except someone had taken the TAN key and put it on the spare bottom set. Let me explain: the TAN key allows you to get into a little storage box which keeps all the other keys you need for the day, like the one for the office, the one for the wooden door on the safe, the one for your drawer where you put the till - pretty much all the keys you need. And thus, we were thwarted for the lack of ONE key. From there, tills went wrong, balances were lopsided - by the time I got home, I couldn't even concentrate to read any more. (Pic: pixdaus.com)

I had to laugh though, it doesn't matter if I have a bad day, I'm lucky enough to have some wonderful people around to make me laugh. Today Mum went through the alley in her village as a shortcut home, and got flashed by a crusty old hobo. Instead of getting flustered or angry, she just clicked her fingers and said "Bugger! That reminds me - I forgot to buy macaroni." I'm delighted to say she's currently enjoying macaroni cheese and wondering "Why are men so proud of their little noodles?"

Quote of the Day: "Luposlipaphobia: The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor." - A fictional phobia created by Gary Larson, author of Far Side comics.

Murphy, Motorbikes and Mr Muscle

It snowed! Snowed thick and beautiful - what a glorious blanket we have here. His Lordship is amazed, apparently they've not had proper snow down here for years. Next door's roof looks like a lovely alpine mountain, glittering in the bright winter sunlight. In fact, the neighbours were clearing the snow off their car, dad and one of the sons, when dad scooped a big armful off the side and all over the poor boy! Alright, it was brief, but it was pretty and enough to snow people in! The rhubarb will be good this year if it keeps getting so cold. (Pic: down our normally very busy road. Eerily quiet and beautifully white...)

Oh no. Now I'm really not a happy bunny. They've replaced the Mr Muscle guy with some animated science superhero. But I always preferred the geeky little guy, he always showed that even the most useless of us could do it. Oh well, I don't recon the new one will last as many years as the old one. (Pic: clicky for bigger - the snow on the bushes overhanging the garden.)

Murphy's Law hit me all over again. I recieved one of these "nice little" chain mails - but this time I appreciated some of the sensible comments it made: "smile when you answer the phone - you might not think it, but people really CAN hear it" and that sort 0f thing. So this time, I read the whole thing. The ususal send to so many people yadayada - "Within the next 6 minutes. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired!" Fair enough, heard it all before. Yawned at that bit and sent it on anyway (see previous comment on sensible) having BCC'd it.

After, I thought I better give this hire bike a quick try (Mine went over 1k miles some days ago and needed a look over) to get used to it. I thought I'd take it to the supermarket and top up the fuel. I pulled the little bike out of the garage, hopped on, started it. (It's LIKE a Suzuki Access in the pic - but even Google doesn't know much about TGIB Sport, unless you're looking for "Thank God It's Beer".) It made a funny noise. I tried again, wondering if it worked a bit differently to my lovely little Lead. It made another funny noise but started - took me to the top of the drive, coughed pitifully and died. They delivered it without fuel! I came back in to find I had received the email back from my uncle who asked if it helped. Apparently not.

"I'll just put the drill on 'Silent Mode' then- they come with silencers now doncha know!" - Our electrician.

Wibbly and Wonderful!

We've discovered that the ketchup bottle sounds just like a creaky pirate ship when you leave it on the bedside table. It makes a funny little skeeching noise. But I'm not worried about that today, because I'm having lemon and lime jelly with custard for breakfast, out of my Party-In-A-Box! It wibbles in wonderful circles when you empty it out of the pot. (image: Heinz.com)

We also had a spectacular pizza dinner. His Lordship's turned up lovely. Mine turned up on the wrong base, with the wrong sauce, with the wrong dippers and with the wrong toppings. It was quite spectacular, but at least they got the cheese and pepperoni on it. Ah well! My lovely bloke quickly did up some mushrooms to go on it. He also did a magnificent starter of garlic and herb crunchy topped mushrooms with cheese. It was as good as the ones they serve in my favourite restaurant - thank you honey! So my pizza was all fixed up - AND classy. One Million Bonus Points.

Quote of the day:
"Violets are red,
Roses are green.
There's something wrong
with my TV screen..." - from a random TV show.

With slightly more taste to the arts, I have found myself entranced by Robert Tiso's magic. The particular clip posted here is Bedřich Smetana "Moldeau", but Tiso also pulls off amazing feats such as Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Faerie", as well as Bach, Strauss and Beethoven. Bearing in mind these are played on drinking glasses, I'm extremely impressed. Bravissimo Mr Tiso, Bravo.

Party In A Box!

If I fiddled with the new teev, I could have a NIB HD LCD LG TV. With 3G, DVD, CD, MP3 and HDMI. Tinker a bit more to add AC. Mmmm. Acronymy. Also, our nice teev plays lovely patterns like this.

Today I stuck a brown peanut M&M up His Lordship's left nostril. He sat there with it for a while until it fell out. Then he ate it. I should have picked a green one...

Talking of chocolate, I got a Party In A Box this morning! I have to say, it is awesemo. Packing chocolate makes a lovely change from packing peanuts and Jellytot cakes are a huge thumbs up by the way. I spent hours playing with the bubbles, jiggling my new frog brooch, playing with a variety of sticky geckoes and we've balloons scattered here and there (His Lordship blew one up with a "hfffffff" then twoinked it off the end of the bed). I have a pack of party hats! I've got party clothes, party food, party decorations... it's a proper party in a box. Mmm, pine fresh and balloon tennis!

Awww. My article for Neopets was rejected this week, but I have to try again later. It's a food guide to Neopia, whipping you around the virtual planet to try dishes in every country and speciality bistro, restaurant and diner.

It's a big QOTD today, so linkied: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

Mystifying Mould?

I have finally cured Kyle's phobia of water - I put BOTH lizards in the bath at the same time. She's too busy watching how Tsam deals with it to worry about it too much. She watches him powering happily up and down the length of the bath and next thing I know she's having a go herself! Poor Tsam though, he got stood on plenty of times as she used him as a diving board. Thankfully he enjoys swimming underwater, otherwise he'd be quite upset each time she stomps on his head! They're both sleepy little babies as the weather is cold and glum, but they do so like their locusts. (Pic: "Yeahhh sexy man-reptile!)

We now officially have crazy huge teev, and it looks lovely. I'd forgotten it has Freeview AND HD built in! Teev doesn't like Tax adverts - it seems to deliberately wait for those to go bleupbleupbleup over the woman speaking! It seems to be happier with the old digibox in - even though the old box isn't feeding signal, just providing a powered aerial. But at least it's not like the rest of the house.

As you already know, the freezer is dodgy, the shower is broken, and as a rule there's black mouldy stuff in a large percentage of the house. I also recently discovered there's a hole in Georges ceiling from the flat roof and water coming in has made a pair of his trainers go mouldy! It seems the true cause of the mould has been discovered - our dodgy bathroom fan is dodgier than we thought. We had the electrician in to put a hygrometer switch in (to turn the fan on automatically when it gets too damp in the bathroom) - when he told us he couldn't. Why not? Because apparently someone cut corners fitting it. In fairness, I hadn't thought to ever look up at the bathroom wall outside, but come to think of it - I've never seen the outlet to the fan vent. Thus the truth is revealed - there IS no outlet to the vent. The fan powers the moisture into the cavity wall where the waste pipe for the plumbing runs which then seeps through the cavities making the insulation in the roof damp. Ergo, a losing battle to the mould! Hurray!

I asked the woman in the bookstore where I could find the self-help books and she said that would defeat the purpose! -astraya

Crummy Cracker...

I forgot about the cracker. As we were taking down the various decorations, we also packed away some crackers I had bought. I had only bought them for decorative purposes (they're creamy with gold swirls - go lovely in the living room) and not for actual pulling. Well - they were £1 for 6. His Lordship wanted to pull one though, and so we won the extremely generous prize of (I kid you not) an inch square, carefully perforated to create four little craptastic stickers! Hurray - just what we always wanted!

I was cooking Him a quick cake in the kitchen (He likes cake) when He complained about an item on the wrong shelf in the cupboard. I came over to see what the matter was when He suggested I ought to vacate the area. "Jayz!" I gagged. "Quick, shuttit in the g'damn cupboard!" Then it struck me. When poor Hank comes to get his chocolate, he'll be hit with a faceful of guff. His Lordship said that it wouldn't be in the cupboard, upon which He opened it and pulled a vile face. "Ough, it IS in the cupboard!" I ran off laughing. (Pic: Gross enough to make a lion go pale.)

"Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate." - e1234, cynical as ever.

Dreams, Driving, Dismay and Derision!

I had a dream that His Lordship was stuck under an exploded rocket, and 999 told me to ring Domino's Pizzas for their 555 deal - they'd give him a lift faster than the ambulance. "I'm sorry, you're just in a really bad area." Little bit puzzled by that one.

Driving to work was interesting - the wind has been significantly more blustery than it has been. It got to the point where I was just bombing along with blind hope. Consider how hanging on to the wing of an in-flight aeroplane must feel. It's kind of like that when you hit a hard headwind - and the lorries create a massive, damp sideblast somewhat akin to being hit with a queensized mattress. Also, I stand by what I have said MANY a time - I have been conned conned I tell you into moving Down South by the promise of warmer climates. Yeah blocks! I will not be so naive in the future, as it has been down to minus 10 on several occasions here. My hometown hasn't been that cold all year. The ice has been interesting; I was driving down the dual carriageway when I spotted my visor was freezing over. I wiped it - and realised the frost was INSIDE. By the time I got to work, I had frost in my visor, on my carbon-fibred knuckles, on my knees and all over my seat - so much so my bag slid off and the sudden sun caused my helmet to steam.

Our BBC license fee is paying for a wonderful new sport to be shown on TV: Walking. Impressed? Me neither. I really don't mind advert breaks, when you bear in mind that BBC put advert of their own between their programmes. I often find myself looking at the clock, see it nearing one of the quarters and think "ooh, I'll put the kettle on/I'll go to the loo/I'll grab the ironing etc" - only to discover that 10 mins after that, the programme is STILL going and I'm busting for a wee.

B&Q's plans came back and I shan't be doing the bathroom until the argumentative housemate goes. I'm fed up with the fight, and B&Q are trying to charge £1,800 to install the damn thing. I don't think so somehow. It's very pretty, but that doesn't justify an install that costs more than 3 times as much as the suite! Talking of arguments though, we've won one against him. Our freezer is gradually getting dodgier, for example my diced chicken wasn't actually frozen after a night in there, and the bread was soft. I happened to mention a very pretty freezer I'd spotted (NOT that I was intending on buying it, I just said it looked nice, an LG something) and George went off on one that it was fine. Hehehehe. I really can't believe he rummaged around in our stuff to prove me wrong. He found His Lordship's crappy Skinny Cow "Creamy Dessert" that I refused to eat on the point that it tastes AWFUL and discovered it to be liquidy. He quietly replaced it and retreated wordlessly to his domain. I've been laughing all week! (Pic: Pixdaus.com.The small things can be important, take each little win as a great prize!)

Quote of the Day: "I am no longer at risk of being called a bloody nuisance. I am a bloody nuisance." - The Prince of Wales

Happy Birthday To Me!

Some Jan 16th facts: I was born the very same day as Marta Domachowska: Polish professional tennis player. The only thing we have in common is that she can speak English, and she's female. And Ac-tor Mason Wilson Gamble: Played Dennis in the Dennis the Menace movie, sadly unrelated to the cartoon strip I used to love. This film wasn't that great. Sorry. The website http://www.sri.com/ was opened the day after my birthday - and still exists today! Nothing in common with me at all. Also on my birthday there was a 990 mb cyclone that swept over Southern Vancouver Island. Still nope.

Another interesting Jan 16th fact: Bandō Mitsugorō VIII was one of Japan’s most highly regarded Kabuki (a type of dance/drama) actors - so much so that he was declared a national treasure. On the 16th of January, the natural treasure decided to dine out on fugu liver (highly toxic) claiming that he was immune to it. The fugu chef who served him said that he simply could not refuse to serve the deadly livers to such an esteemed gentleman. Needless to say, Mitsugoro died within 7 hours. - thanks to listverse!

Three days after my birthday, the first PC virus, Brain, began to spread. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/(c)Brain

Which kinda leads me nicely to my chosen "birthday" song - the Cake is a Lie. A very sweet little song, sung by a rather wonderful, demented computer. For anyone out there that hasn't played Portal yet, I suggest you find a copy. It's not that it's not just any game, it's completely different to nearly EVERYTHING. It's not quite a puzzle game, nor is it quite a shooter game, it's not quite a platform game, but nor is it quite a survival game. It's distinctly a... thing.

Enjoy!

Broke into a Bank...

This week is one of those weeks. A colleague gave me a lift to work and on the way we encountered massive early traffic jams. Each time we turned round and tried a different route, we discovered a different obstruction or jam. In total we had: a tractor, a dustbin lorry, a broken down bus, a coach badly parked on a narrow blind corner and various queues at roundabouts. Today was an impressive variation on the above: I forgot my keys, and picked up the spares at our nearest branch to discover I had the wrong ones. On the way back out to go swap them, my colleague stepped forwards to tell a customer we wouldn't be opening just yet - and the security door clicked shut.

This doesn't sound too bad, I know. And it wouldn't be too bad, if it were a normal branch. A normal branch you key your code and you're in. However. This old and very small branch doesn't work like that. It's got a step lock, a little lever that flips up to stop the door opening that you have to stand on to release. That's fine, except for the fact that we were BOTH on the wrong side of this bizarre door. No-one to step on the lock.

So this morning I had to break into a bank. Please note, this isn't useful to anyone wanting to actually steal anything or hold up a bank - it's not fast enough or fluid enough, it'd be too easy to trap the wannabe for the cops. It's a unique feature of our weird branch that I was able to do it and the fact that I had plenty of time to do it. Basically, we have a two sided cupboard for passing through larger items; when one door is open, the other is locked. I had to take off my jacket and shoes, spend several minutes unhooking the dual door mechanism (otherwise trying to open one door means the other shuts), climb in and unscrew the locking mechanism the on OTHER door, lift it out and slide through on the rails. If there was a cashier, the first door would have been locked down and I would never have been able to open it, never mind get through. But if there WAS a cashier the other side, I would have just asked them to open the step lock. Sorry wannabe - it's just not doable if you're after cash.

Kind-of-Quote of the Week: His Lordship hasn't been having an easy ride of it either this week - his persistent cough turned out to be the symptom of a mystery allergy, so now he has to use a spray morning and night. He says "it smells like perfumed ARSE." I had to giggle, poor blokey. When He came to bed, I leaned over to give Him a g'night kiss and stopped. "Hey. Your nose smells." I go. "I know, that's what it's for." says He. "No," says I, "I mean it really smells. Your nose smells like perfumed ARSE."

Sod the Sales, Buy a Bathroom?

SALES! I will admit, I have bought more wrapping paper. I am sorry. But I do now have bright YELLOW! A roll that's red with the other side orange. Bright blues and metallic bronzes.... I did buy a couple of bits to stash away though, but a lot of the sales are pretty pants this year. The 50% off Thorntons chocolate hasn't helped my waistline any either - but who cares! I would be obsessed about my size but in honesty there are several problems with this. I'm too lazy to do anything about it or give a damn, I like sleeping and I like food. Heh!

We've got our New Year's Resolutions off to a flying start: I've already had a surveyor chappie in to have a look at our kitchen, price it up stupidly high and have a look at the bathroom with a far more decent quote. One day (not soon though) our lurid avocado green suite, broken shower, orange-cream tiles, lackadasial extractor, pink flowered peeling off wallpaper, mildew and supposed-to-be-peach carpet will be DESTROYED! MU WU Ha Ha haaaaaa. Cough. Aaaanyway. These I have planned to be replaced by a nice new white suite including a glass shower curtain, slate on the floor and halfway up the wall, silver opera rail (with matching tube brushed steel radiator!) and a rich blue top of walls. Oh and a super new shower. Mmm yummy. I may have to get rid of one of the housemates first - 7 days is too long to cope with having to use a different shower. Everybody synchronised... Raiiiisee - eyebrows! B&Q did manage to bugger up the first time round though, not only did they try to make us pay £50 for their surveyor for doing a free quote (Good try, but no.) they also managed to book us for our final deciding review the day AFTER the offers all finished. (Also good try but no.) They're going to honour it if we DO decide to do it, but we have to think about it. (See comment re: housemate. Request for solutions ideas please!) No hurry mind, just I'd like to do it in the next three years. I'm sick of the mould. And the pink carpet that's grey.

We also bought a gorgeous decanter for the bathroom to store until it's done - clear glass with black tracing a platinum pattern of triangles. That will look great filled with bubble bath, and will go lovely with the silver details and the funky Laura Ashley wall metal things I already have.

"Om Nom" - Katie Melua describing chocolate. Just as it should be.

P.S: Good heavens. I've just noticed. I'm grumbling about buying a bathroom. I must be growing up!

Home and Thanks!

A slightly belated Happy New Year to all! I am returned to the South, and have opened my remaining presents. Thank you very much for my Present-Wreck, and the blue pots are lovely!The chicken Nan gave us is brilliant fun, as we set traps for people with it. Mandarth came round and had to move it to put his computer on the table and swore at it when it yelled "HEY!" at him. I got both the the housemates and Himself previously with much the same thing. Kyle thinks it's funny to sit on. The cuddly frog went down very well with Himself - He's spent a surprising amount of time with it on His head for some reason. Pic: Local AND National News! The Holleys sculpt two bushes into a magnificent pud.

We took down the Christmas tree on the first and packed it away safely. It took its revenge by chucking around bits of gold, so His Lordship put each collection of branches in their own Jiffy-bags. Genius I tell you! Will make rebuilding it a doddle. Then we wrapped all the delicate glass baubles in newspaper, including my brother's Cadbury's Carrot and ravelled the lights up on old pizza box pieces. Before we put my big suitcase style cardboard box in the attic, I nipped to the garden centre and bought some wicked baubles for next year with some of my Christmas money. Next year will be peacock colours. I found sequinned baubles sparkling like fish scales, kitsch feathered peacocks with embroidery bead jewellery, purple, green and blue individuals and metallic greeny-blue glass ones that look like someone stuck magic in glass globes...


Ky loves locusts, has learned to climb up and down the stairs and is still terrified of water (but improving - the bathtub seems to help.) and Tsam still loves water and is improving his swimming in the bathtub. He even took a bath with me recently and had a whale of a time swimming up and and blowing bubbles before taking a huge poo. Fortunately I got out just in time.

Since returning to work it seems I'm being shipped to South Petherton for a while. Which is nice. The hours are shorter for the same pay and being as they're still making me do Saturdays at Yeovil I'll be able to charge the petrol to expenses.

Quote of the YEAR: "We not only saved the world..." - Gordon Brown draws howls of derision from the Opposition during Prime Minster's Questions. He meant to say 'banks'.

Christmas Cheer

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Feliz Navidad and Joyeux Noel as says His Lordship! Even the lizards say *clickkrrrrcklick* which pretty much means the same thing. I'll be Up North at the moment, so hello and have a great day to the folks down south, and a big Christmas Kiss to His Lordship at his mums too!

I hope you're all having a great time, and that you all enjoyed your presents! I got some really rather odd gifts, but all of them wonderful, especially our new little greenhouse! I shall be planting lots of growy-green things, some to eat and some to look nice (and no doubts the dragons will probably make off with the safe versions of both.) Thank you, and will blog an update soon! Happy New Year until then!

Love,
IBF

Ahzez ponim! (Impudent fellow!)

Ah, sweet befuddlement retaliation! I visited my mother today to drop off presents (and have managed to get myself invited for Christmas dinner there as well - two for me tomorrow!) and tuck into some lovely salmon. After we'd finished, a little knock came on the door. My brother stuck his head out and this solitary little boy started singing. Well, my mother and I looked at each other, caught my sister along the way and stood at the door singing "Hava Nagila!" back at him, complete with little dance. Serve the little beggar right, in my opinion you should at least have two mates with you to go carol singing.

We're very proud of my brother, he's developing a wonderful Jewish nose like the rest of us. My Yiddish may be schreklech, but Bubbe doesn't mind. "Hava, hava nagila, hava nagila....!"

(Bild fun http://www.menorah.com/)

I -am -going -home, I'm going home, I'm going...!

I'm coming home Mum! By now I'll probably be on the train, but I look forwards to getting home and see everyone. Mostly because the train is long, slow and awfully boring, but hey.

I'm going to miss His Lordship, but I'm proud that He's busy with his Book keeping, so keep up the good work Honey, I'll call you when I get there and I'll be coming home again soon. I hope you enjoy your Christmas present too - I picked it just for you.